


The White Fence

by eleinuin



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, BAMF Shuri (Marvel), Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Dark Steve Rogers, Depression, Dissociation, Drug Use, Eating Disorders, F/M, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mental Anguish, Mental Health Issues, Not A Fix-It, Obsession, Panic Attacks, Past Peggy Carter/Steve Rogers, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro, Shuri Is A Gift, Suicidal Thoughts, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, anger issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-01
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:14:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 63
Words: 66,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21635689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eleinuin/pseuds/eleinuin
Summary: Now he has a chance to be with Peggy, the love of his life. She was witty, incisive and funny, and among them was a spark worth fighting for. Steve can see a future together, children and grandchildren, even a house with a fucking white fence and a golden retriever in the garden, damn it.What can go wrong?
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Sam Wilson, James "Bucky" Barnes & Shuri, James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers & Sam Wilson
Comments: 127
Kudos: 171





	1. Week 1

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [The white fence](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20927108) by [eleinuin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/eleinuin/pseuds/eleinuin). 



> This fic is the translation of "The White Fence" written in Spanish. As you can see, English is not my first language, not even the second. There will be mistakes and I hope you can forgive me, as well as correct me.  
> I expect to translate a chapter every two weeks, but if you want to know more or want to practice with Spanish, you can also read the original fic.  
> Thank you for reading!

“Don't do anything stupid” Steve tells him with a small smile as he squeezes Bucky in a big hug, his eyes sad as much as he tries to hide it.

He has explained what his plan is, stay in the past and try to be happy, live the life that Stark recommended. After all, he owes a dance to Peggy Carter.

Bucky has wished him happiness and luck, and as he is a practical man he has also recommended that he look at the past lottery numbers so he can pay the best universities to the Rogers Juniors.

Steve's heart skipped a little, disappointed when Bucky let him go so easily. Bucky doesn't fool anyone. He has been in love with Steve all his life, he has broken 70 years of mental programming for him and despite all the courage and strength he has shown, he still does not dare to take a step forward.

Steve sighs tiredly of speculating. Sometimes (many times) he has thought about what it would be like to be together. In his youth, it was a danger, of course, but currently being queer is not something that should make you fear for your physical integrity. But Bucky ... the Bucky of now is not the man who left the United States on the way to II World War. He is not a confident, funny, arrogant and sweet man. This Bucky is complicated, scary, reserved and guilt consumes him. Steve loves him but ... but it's hard, complicated. They have been trapped in a dependent and dangerous friendship.

And now he has a chance to be with Peggy, the love of his life. She was witty, incisive and funny, and among them was a spark that was worth fighting for. Steve can see a future together, children and grandchildren, even a house with a fucking white fence and a golden retriever in the garden, damn it.

“Yes, for us it will only be 5 seconds. Above all remember to return them at the same time, ok?” Bruce repeats as if Steve could ever forget something.

Look fondly at Sam. Poor man, he hasn't said anything to him. Nor does he owe him anything, not anymore, and Steve will follow the dictates of his heart without receiving a lecture.

The last look is for Bucky, and Steve wants the future to be merciful to him for once. Now he is ... semi-stable, and he seems to be able to overcome Steve's absence. Surely he will find someone to trust, with whom to get intimate.

It hurts to leave, but Peggy waits

*** *** ***

Peggy looks at him in wonder when he opens the door of his house. The years have been good with her, although now she has some wrinkles next to her mouth she looks beautiful and her lips are still red and juicy as Steve remembered them.

“I owed you a dance ...” Steve says to break the ice, smiling for the magic and impossible moment. That same afternoon, to the sound of Billie Holiday (one of Bucky's favorite singers), they kiss in the living room of her house.

Steve explains enough but not everything and Peggy is not an idiot, she knows that he has his secrets but decides that the benefit is greater than the risk and soon an intense and passionate love erases all other doubts that both may have.

At least the first three years.

From the fourth year on, things between them have stopped being easy. It turns out that Peggy was never interested in having children, much less by becoming director of the young Shield organization. Steve can't even blame her for knowing how difficult it is for a woman to occupy a position like his and the good he will do in the future. They discuss like lions and one of the reasons is Bucky. Steve cannot tell him that Sergeant Barnes has also survived and is being tortured and abused, that he knows every trace he goes through because once he read the Winter Soldier's report he spent the next two years searching for it. Fights are frequent because both have short fuses and they are not willing to give in. Steve never considered himself a difficult mate and only now can he appreciate how Bucky handled him tactfully, which Peggy thinks he doesn't need.

Steve also doesn't know how to stand still, having knowledge of the future and knowing that he can't intervene. He’s sick with inaction; he is allowing injustices even having the knowledge and ability to stop them. He is allowing Bucky to be tortured

But it is the price to pay for staying with Peggy in the past.

As it turns out that affects their relationship and is one of the many reasons why they fight. They love each other, of course, but Carter's strong personality is not what he remembers in his memory.

Or worse, it turned out that they didn't know each other that well either.

There comes a time when Peggy can no longer and breaks the coexistence of six years. Steve can't bury Captain America and it’s eating him alive. He knows that if he rescues Bucky from Hydra, he won't get his friend from 1944 either.

And now he also knows that there is not, and never has been, a right path that ends in a happy ending for him.

He must make a decision. Save the Bucky from now and try it with him, or return with the Bucky of the future.

So he says goodbye to the white fence house and Peggy Carter. He does not want to disappear overnight.

“Where you come back, Steve, I hope you find the happiness you are looking for. The place where you can be yourself in your totality”

Steve hopes that place will continue to exist.

*** *** ***

When he returns not only 5 seconds have passed. Bruce seems relieved when he finally appears “Oh, thankfully! I thought the machine had failed and you were going to be stuck forever in the past!”

Sam smiles, still pale “Wow, what a fright you have given us, huh?” he says hugging him. God, how he missed him, he thinks while holds him tightly. When he opens his eyes he sees Bucky a few meters, surprised, and Steve makes a shy smile. He leaves Sam's arms but he doesn't allow him to move forward one step “Hey! But isn't that a few gray hairs?” he asks smiling, patting him on the shoulders. “And some wrinkles! Well, well, I see that serum does not prevent aging, nor marriage as I see ...” Steve looks down at his finger and sees the gold ring that has never been removed.

His gaze immediately searches Buck with guilt and there he is, motionless but radiating tension. Steve carefully moves Sam away and slowly approaches Bucky.

“I'm at home, Buck” he says with a shit smile and hugs him tightly, smelling the scent of his best man. He has longed for him with every cell of his being, with every gram of his soul. There were never secrets between them and now he could appreciate the patience of the man, the space he gave to grow as a person and the unconditional support in every decision he made.

“Ehem, Steve” interrupts Sam again putting his hand on his shoulder. "I need you to pay me a moment of attention, okay?" He says taking his hands and pulling him toward the house. “It is very important that you tell us ... hmm, if you have changed something in the line of the past, huh?” he says putting an arm over his shoulders and leading the way “And in the way explain us about Mrs. Rogers” Steve looks at Sam and smiles. Yes, he can do this for them. He turns to see if Bucky follows them and stops dead.

Bucky is pale, sweating an ocean and panting with difficulty. Bruce is approaching him carefully while making arm movements, setting an example of the pace at which he should inspire and expire.

What the hell is going on? If Bucky is sick it should be him who was by his side!

“Don't stop, Steve. Bruce has it under control and will help him better than you could, okay?”

Steve doesn't understand why Sam insists on removing him from the place and taking him inside the house. What has happened in the few seconds that is supposed to have been out? “Is Bucky sick? What do you ... “practically babbles Steve, but Sam hasn't changed the pressure to get him out of the place.

“Steve, look at me. Bucky will be fine, okay? He only needs a second. It seems that he has taken a considerable fright, nothing more. Now when your boy recovers from the emotional impact he will join us. For now, give him a few minutes to recover”

Steve keeps moving towards the house but can't look away from Buck. He trembles so much that he has to lean on a tree, while the great figure of what was once Hulk, stands by his side lending his support.

When Steve enters the house he sees many familiar faces. Faces he has not seen in almost 7 years, and although for them he was there just 5 minutes ago, they soon begin to realize the differences. Steve greets each of them with tight hugs, feeling the warmth of friendship. He has felt isolated and lonely in the past.

Nevertheless, every few minutes he looks out the window looking for the familiar figure of Bucky that does not arrive. Sam notices and tells him that he will check how he is doing.

The minutes pass and neither of them returns, so Steve can't wait any longer and leaves the house. The afternoon is dying, the cold is more intense, and the leaf litter cracks in its path but despite the low light he can still see Sam, standing and looking at the bottom of the road.

“What happened? Where is Buck?” asks Steve.

Sam turns to him, his face tired and sad. Take a few breaths and Steve's stomach is writhing in anguish.

“He's gone, Steve. He needs time to establish his situation regarding the world and he is gone. And I also think he needs time and space”

Steve gaps at him, betrayed “How ?! Is that why you turned me away from him? To allow him to run away?” he reproaches him.

“Steve, I turned you away from him because you caused him a panic attack and you didn't even notice. I don't know what the hell you talked about before your temporary leap but it has affected him deeply and you don't want to corner a man like Barnes. Nor does he deserve it”

Steve curses himself for his lack of foresight and prays that Sam is right and all Buck needs is time and space.

But suspects he's wrong.


	2. Week 1

Buck understands, really. Why would Steve want to stay with a deranged, unsettled friend with the count of victims that he has in his back, having the possibility of returning with the fabulous Peggy Carter? An elegant woman, with character and a good pair of tits. A woman, to start. One that can give him children.

He wished his best friend the best of luck. He loves him and can do this for him, and in the future he will even be happy for him, although now he feels as if he was being stabbed in the gut.

He just needs time, nothing more. Learn to stop being a burden. Learn to live without him and respect his choice.

After all, Bucky wasn't worth it.

How can he not understand if he is the first one who can't stand to see his reflection every morning in the mirror?

His hands tremble and despair eats his soul. He is not worth it, he has always known. He wasn't enough for Steve to stay.

He forces his lungs to breathe and smiles bravely. Steve is going to live the good life in a place (in a time) in which his best friend cannot join, but everything is fine. Steve leaves him behind but everything will be fine.

And suddenly ... there he is. He has aged at most a decade but he is still handsome. At least that was what he thought until Sam mentions the ring.

Bucky doesn't know what happened that brought him to the present but he knows it's not him.

Because Bucky is not worth it.

 _Better get used to being left behind, to have your back turned_ , he tells himself.

_Get used to being abandoned._

Bucky feels his legs shake when Steve gives him a big hug but is so blocked that he is unable to give it back. He feels ... feels fear, a sickly and sticky terror that curls in his intestines and feels a sharp pain in his chest.

When Sam interrupts the hug Bucky is not at home, he is seeing what happens in the third person and is not even able to turn his eyes to watch them go. Bruce in Hulk's body slowly gets into his vision range and starts making hand movements. The words that pronounce those green lips enter and leave through his ears without reaching the brain and it is only the international gesture of inspiring and expiring that makes him react minimally.

And here, 10 minutes later and collapsed against a tree, Bucky can see the worry in Hulk's eyes. Seriously, if he has to be pityed by a man of 3 meters of green color and who barely knew how to shout “smash” 5 years ago, he is much worse than he thought.

When he finally stays alone, he doesn't understand what he's doing there. He can hear the rumble of Steve's voice in the house, the voices of his friends.

Steve's friends.

And Bucky is one of them, of course, but he doesn't want another look of pity and maybe he just needs some time to be ... well, that. One more friend. Someone who will be happy for all the good things Steve has now.

But right now he feels that the ground has opened at his feet and he will swallow him. He needs to get out of there. He needs to put distance, feel safe and think about many, many things.

“Barnes?”

Bucky almost dropped the car keys in fright. He hasn't even heard Wilson approach because of the mental block, and he takes a deep breath to try to relax and listen to him.

“Hey” answer in a display of verbiage.

"Are you leaving without saying anything?" He looks surprised, and Bucky is almost ashamed.

“Yes” answers, opening the car.

“It seems that you got a big surprise with Steve's return. You're the only one who didn't expect to see him come back” he says casually leaning on the side of the car.

“Um, yes ...”

Sam waits a few seconds to see if he wants to add a few more words, but his experience with veterans makes him suspect that Bucky is now on the edge of an anxiety crisis, so he continues with the casual tone.

“I don't know if you've noticed the panic attack you've had when Steve hugged you, but I think it's something you should talk about. He has always been your best friend and ...”

“I'm leaving, I need time to ... to change. Wilson, take care of Steve, will you?” He's starting to gasp and he knows, he needs to get out of there.

“Promise that you will keep in touch” he asks with a very serious face and worried eyes as he leaves the car. Sam can recognize the impulse of fight or flight of Barnes and he will not push more.

Bucky notices the shiver of fear in his back and clenches his jaw tightly as he looks sideways at the road.

“You have my number?” Wilson asks anxiously “Call me even if it's just me. I won't say anything to anyone, you have my boy scout word, okay Barnes?” Wilson's alarm face is not a good signal.

“Promise” answers between teeth before stepping on the accelerator hard and get out of there as if the devil was chasing him.

Soon he has to stop to throw in the fallen autumn leaves. His hands tremble and his heartbeats runaway. Tears blur his vision and a wave of despair is eating him alive.

Steve is gone. The Steve that Bucky knew no longer exists.

Steve is now a mature, married man, a family man.

Bucky is just a friend. He will have to re-learn to be a good friend for the times Steve will appear again in the present.

But right now he is very tired. Very tired of always following, very tired of trying very hard to be a better person, to be a best friend.

He just wants to sleep and forget the fucking madness that the last days have been, but the night comes and he can't stop and rest. He needs to go further, faster.

Finally he arrives at the Avengers complex at dawn. He will take his belongings and leave the car here.

“Good morning Sergeant Barnes” answers Friday's voice when he enters the building.

The Tony Stark complex.

Tony Stark, whom he left orphan by his hand.

Tony Stark, the man who gave his life for half the planet.

Bucky can notice the stiffness of his body, the sweat that begins to appear from the back and hands. He tries to concentrate, just go up and take the few belongings he has in the room ...

... in Steve's room ...

Bucky goes back one, two, three steps.

"Is everything all right Sergeant Barnes?" Friday asks in a melodic voice.

Bucky does not respond, his jaw is like a stone, his throat is dry and he turns to run away.

It's not until he is sitting in the car with the keys on and the open door that he begins to breathe more easily. He has nothing irreplaceable in the room. Nothing is irreplaceable in his life.

Nothing but Steve, so he won't replace him.

In addition, he has to learn to live without depending on him, without always being aware if he does any stupidity. Without seeing the reflections of the sun in his hair.

He just needs to stay entertained, focus on something else.

Something that he is good at.

Well...

Bucky is not worth it but there is something Bucky, no, Barnes is good at. He will need full concentration and full dedication. That way he won't have time to think about Steve. For now ...

Yes, for now he will put his accounting book in order.

He will think about Steve later.


	3. Week 3

“Wilson?”

Sam leaves the book on psychological disorders he was reading on the table. “Barnes? Fuck, it's been two weeks!” he exclaims noticing how worry ceases to clench his heart, if only a little.

He has seen and read about the ordeal of death and destruction in some remote points and not so far from Ukraine, Poland and Austria. Only those who know the Winter Soldier and his history will recognize them as strategic points of Hydra. Of course Sam has known from Steve, and what's left of Shield is also aware.

The silence that follows is uncomfortable, so he makes it easy. “Everything is ok now?” Ask without specifying any topic.

“Well, better” answers the serious voice of Barnes. “I just wanted to register, I promised you I would call” Sam swallows with a dry mouth, Barnes is saying goodbye and that's not what he wants.

“Hey, I understand that things are difficult. Want you to be well. We all want you to get better but we miss you”

Silence. Not a mocking laugh, or a scathing comment. What is happening to him? He was much better after treatment in Wakanda!

“In addition, who does not like to take a cold revenge, huh?” continues with humor without achieving any result.

“Now they can not hurt anyone else” Bucky sentence with a voice ... tired?

“You know we would be happy to help, right? And it would be easier if you had not gotten rid of the phone, I have here a labrador puppy full of nervous energy ...”

“Is Steve there?” The voice full of anguish makes Sam wonder what the hell is going through Barnes's mind but quickly reassures him “No, no, now he's not with me but he wants to look for you. He is angry and restless, and does not understand why you left”

“No!” Barnes shouts. And if that's not a desperate plea, Sam doesn't know what it will be. “Don't let him, it's not worth for him to take the risk”

“Are you in danger?” Sam asks very carefully

Silence and a quick breath “No”

Liar

Sam starts to be very worried. Between what he saw and what he hears he realizes that it is not just the usual depression that Barnes suffers. It seems ... it seems anxious and brittle. And sadder than normal.

“Does this have to do with Steve's trip to the past?" Asks Wilson delicately, because he has been thinking about this a lot and that is the only thing that makes sense. The only thing that changed in those 30 seconds.

A sigh “Wilson, I have to go ...” shit, he scared him.

“No, no, listen to me for a moment, pal! Call me every week, please. Call me to know that you are ok, that you are alive” says Sam, terrified that Barnes has lost the will to live. He needs to develop a strategy and he can't think of any now.

“Wilson, you are a good man but this is not necessary. I will not be the burden of anyone else, don't worry” And there is a chill all over Sam's body, and his super-sense of veteran therapist rings all the bells loud and clear.

“Barnes, do it or I swear by my holy mother that I spur Steve behind your heels to the gates of hell if necessary. Call me every week, please. I won't say anything to anyone but you have to talk to someone or your heart is going to rot”

A snort, it seems that at least that has been funny “Bye, Wilson”

And the line is cut.

Sam quickly calls Steve but hangs up before he gives line.

He stands on the couch, nervous, undecided. Something has happened between Barnes and Steve. Something that has hurt Barnes deeply emotionally, and if he takes a false step, he can lose the confidence of a man in need of psychiatric help.

If he analyzes what he knows about Barnes, which is a lot, he can deduce a number of things.

He has post-traumatic stress disorder after being tortured and enslaved by Hydra for 70 years, forced him to kill and God knows what else. He was released from mental reprogramming when his best friend almost got killed by him. He had to flee all over the world while he was being hunted by Hydra, by his own government and 114 other countries.

The only one who defended him, again, was his best friend Steve Rogers.

And well, Sam is not blind. Between Barnes and Rogers there was that unresolved sexual tension. They were always together, they read their minds like a fucking marriage, they even had that shine when they smiled.

Oh ...

Barnes froze when Sam talked about the ring ...

Then the sexual tension broke into a thousand pieces when his friend went to the past to marry Peggy Carter, Steve's boyhood love and Barnes, who suffered from depression, felt that he was being abandoned.

Well, it's not misleading if you look objectively …

_I will not be the burden of anyone else, don't worry_

Shit...

He will have to talk to the people with whom Barnes interacts most. The list is small, damn it. He isolated himself in Wakanda to recover and leave Hydra's threat radius, but that also cut him off from the rest of the people, from the Avengers.

Aside the fight between Steve and Tony did not improve the situation precisely.

So the list comes down to Steve, T'Challa and Shuri? Sam hopes not to have to resort to any of Wakanda's famous goats ...

Shit, shit and shit!

He needs to talk to Steve, to know what they said in that conversation.

He needs to get ready.


	4. Week 3

Barnes hangs up the phone and takes out the battery. For now he won't get rid of it, but he doesn't want to be tracked. He throws it in the sports bag on top of the passenger seat and leaves the gas station at full speed. Go fast along the highway to his next destination, a shabby motel where he will go unnoticed and study his next objective, a Hydra technician that Bucky remembers especially well.

Yes, he is going to make sure that human scum like him doesn't have a second chance.

**** *** ***

The bullet comes out, the target falls and his brain paints the wall of the apartment room overlooking the sea and pool where he was hiding not very well, to tell the truth. That Barnes was able to locate him having slept about ten hours in the last week does not say much about this fool's survival instinct.

He has time but quickly picks up his equipment, dresses as a civilian and leaves. When he arrives at the hotel, almost two hours from the target, everything is closed. There is nowhere to buy dinner except for a sad vending machine. He decides to try his luck although he does not consider himself a person with a good star, so it is not a surprise when the sandwich hangs through the glass. He gives a couple of wiggles to the fucking machine but there is no way to drop his dinner. A feeling of uncontrollable frustration causes him to pass through the glass with the metal hand and pull the door out, throwing it several meters further and gripping the fucking sandwich before leaving the place.

By the time he arrives at the hotel the sandwich is gone, he takes a quick shower and crawls to the bed.

He's so tired, God ... He just hopes he can sleep more than three hours straight and closes his eyes, thinking of anything other than Steve, failing miserably. It is not until he puts a pillow at his side and hugs it that the dream comes and he hates, really, the need of the company of the memory of a 50 kg Steve by his side to make him fall asleep because it's nothing more than a reminder that without him he is nobody.

He is nothing...

He wakes up almost two hours later, hungry. He hasn't brought more food with him and now ... now he doesn't feel like getting up and looking for more.

Now he can afford no food in the fridge, not like in 1940 when Steve's body needed the calories. No, Steve now does not need him to make ends meet, or cover his back. A sharp stab in his heart makes him close his eyes tightly.

It's his fault that Steve is gone. Bucky is not worth his time, he's not worth his attention, he remembers himself as he gasps against the pillow and tears slide down the corner of his eyes.

He just wants to forget. Forget what he has never had.

He just wants to go back to sleep, because while he dreams he doesn't remember Steve. Then he closes his eyes and lets himself slip into the world of dreams.

Dreams full of his time with Hydra, of the horrors of war, where the Winter Soldier is.

Where Steve is never found.

But the sleep does not come...


	5. Week 3

Steve's flat is ... dreary, there's no other word to define it better. There are some boxes here and there, and a good library of self-help and psychology books. Sam takes a look at them and knows they are good books. Steve told him that during the 5 years they were missing he was leading a group therapy to assume the loss of loved ones.

At first Sam was proud of Steve, at least until he knew it was a big lie because Steve was unable to move on with the great loss he carried behind him.

And just when he manages to recover everyone, he goes back to the past.

"Do you want a coffee?" he asks with the serious countenance. Since Barnes has left Steve has been sullen, insufferable.

Or it may be that he has become bitter in the past 7 years …

"Yes, thanks" Sam says aware that Steve is... stalking him. Fuck with this man's hound instinct.

"He called you?" he asks directly while serving coffee in a nice new cup. He hasn't even removed the price tag.

"I've been thinking about the escape of Barnes. I realized that he did not expect your return and I think you had a talk before your trip to the past. I mean, if I had someone who would literally look for me until the end of the world if I disappeared, maybe I would have to put it on notice to avoid an embarrassing situation" Sam replies very conscious of not having answered Steve's question. And if the serious look and raised eyebrow mean something, Steve has also noticed.

"Yes, I explained him. Did he call you or not?" Sam sighs because Steve is in battering mode and is much more fun when he is not on the other side of that look evaluated with crow's feet. Sam is having a hard time getting used to Steve's new look.

"Steve, you were very, very close. Some even thought you were ... you know, more than friends" Sam is restless. He has never wanted to get into this ... issue with Steve, thinking that they would solve it among them.

And now it has exploded in their faces.

"We weren't. We were never lovers, if that's what you're asking" Sam raises an eyebrow noticing he has caught something.

"It's not necessary to be lovers to be in a romantic relationship, Steve. Which leads me to think if you were in a relationship but you didn't talk about it" Sam continues with a relaxed and professional attitude while noticing the tension in the super-soldier's shoulders.

"We weren't in a relationship" elusive look, lower chin to look at his own coffee ... is Steve ashamed? From Barnes, from himself or from this conversation?

"Come on, big boy, I need some sincerity here. I'm trying to help Barnes" Steve's laser gaze and puckered eyebrows make guilty feelings speak through his mouth "I can tell you that at least he's fine"

"I ..." Steve sighs and closes his eyes for a moment, doubting what to share. "I always liked Bucky, but when we were young being queer was something disgusting and dangerous, so I never said anything. Besides, he dated all those girls ... Anyway, in the army I met Peggy and she was wonderful. I had a crush, Sam, I'm not ashamed to recognize it. Bucky was the first to congratulate me and encouraged me to go after her. And although he still liked me, there was also Peggy"

Steve put the coffee cup in the sink and opened the freezer, taking out a large tub of chocolate ice cream and two spoons. And oatmeal cookies.

Oh boy, now they were talking about feelings, in capital letters.

"Well, I crashed the plane, woke up almost 70 years later and there was no Bucky or Peggy"

He pauses to take a large scoop of ice cream and put it in his mouth, but his eyes don't look at Sam. It seems to be easier when he simply speaks to himself out loud.

"I don't even know why I agreed to go out with some of the girls Natasha proposed. My heart was still a stone, I could not forget either of them" he acknowledged sighing sadly.

"And when Bucky appeared I gripped him desperately because I saw the opportunity to redeem myself. Peggy was dying and Bucky ... God, everything Hydra did to him, I couldn't allow it. Sam, he was a good man, he was the best man I had at my side and he didn't deserve that" Steve's eyes have a mysterious glow and his face makes some wrinkles that are now easy to discern as anguish or sadness.

"Did you love him?" he asks sweetly.

"Once you know Bucky you can't not love him, Sam" he replies with a sad smile. Sam is in full power to deny it but he won't screw up here.

"But you went to the past with Peggy" points to the obvious.

Another huge scoop in the chocolate tub and another sad sigh from Steve.

"Yes, I could at least choose one of the two great loves I've had in this life"

"But did you ever tell him what you felt for him?" Steve looks up from the ice cream to look at him.

"No, Sam. Bucky was not well and I tried not to overwhelm him even more with my feelings. The first thing was his recovery after 70 years as a slave" he declares flat while putting a good scoop of ice cream on top of the cookie and eats it.

Sam also took a piece of chocolate ice cream "but you knew his feelings. Did he ever ... tell you?"

Steve snorts without humor "Never. We talked a lot on Skype, you know. And when we met, it was ... it was easy, a little tense because God knows that neither of us knew what we were doing. I always thought we would have time but then Thanos came and after that the death of half the planet. Sam, understand that for us it's been 5 long years racking our brains thinking about how to fix what happened, crying the losses and hoping hanging on a thread. It was not until Scott Lang returned that we were able to move in time"

"Was it when you thought about returning with Peggy?"

Steve sighs and his face does very expressive things. Sam is not used to it "No, it wasn't until I returned to 1950 and I saw her that the possibility passed through my mind. She still had a picture of me on the desk, you know?"

"And then your feelings for her came back strongly"

"They didn't come back. They had never left, just the opportunity that was stolen from me appeared, to begin with" he says with a defiant look.

"Ok, then you realize you finally have the possibility of being with Peggy. What's up with Barnes?"

"I had to make a choice, Sam. And I made it"

"Back to the past and love Peggy was easier, right?" he asks like casually.

"I wanted peace, Sam. I wanted a house with a garden, children, a home with a person who loved me as I loved her. Do you think I was going to have that with Bucky? Really?" Steve asks with disdain.

Sam's eyes widen at the ... ignorance, rawness. He does not doubt that yes, with Barnes he would have obtained all those things except, perhaps, peace. And not because Bucky can't provide it, but because Steve's spirit is not in it.

"So what are you doing here, Steve?" He asks directly.

Steve looks paralyzed. For a second it almost seems that his lower lip trembles but he runs his hands over his face and suddenly it seems that the weight of the world crushes him. He doesn't look older, he looks old.

"You know that the marriage with Peggy didn't go well ... "

What did you not get? Home with white fence? Sons? Or a loving wife who loved you as you loved her? Sam bites his tongue but questions bounce in his brain.

"... and one of the reasons is because I could not forget Bucky" he says reluctantly. Reluctantly, as if it was Barnes's fault!

"What do you mean?" Sam asks because at this point he will not presuppose anything.

"He was being tortured by Hydra, Sam. I continued to have all the data of the Winter Soldier report in my head, I knew where he was, what they were doing to him. I felt like a piece of shit for having a good life while he was being stripped of all his humanity but I couldn't do anything about it"

"Wait, do you blame him for the failure of your marriage?" Sam can't believe this turn of events.

"Do not! Jesus, Sam, I don't want to say that ... " Steve runs his hands over his face and hair and looks at Sam with guilt. "That's what our characters did. It turns out that Peggy and I are very similar ..." acknowledges Steve.

Sam believes him. He imagines for a second having two American Captains and he wants to buy a one-way ticket to Patagonia.

"I still love him, Sam. With Peggy it was like the flame of a match, and when we were together it became a great fire but it died out. Over time it became extinct ... " he acknowledges with a sigh -"But Bucky for me has always been the closest thing to home, the fireplace in front of which warmed me up and made me feel safe. That has not changed in these long years. It didn't turn into embers or ash, always warming my heart even with the passage of time and my marriage failed"

"But you haven't been with Bucky for almost 12 years," Sam says flatly.

"Yes, I know," he says as he eats another large scoop of ice cream.

"Steve, I don't know where to start" Sam acknowledges and briefly wonders what happened to the tactical genius he once knew " I expose it from another point of view, to see what you think" he says.

"You feel attraction to your best friend, who is dealing with depression and post-traumatic stress disorder, relearning simple things like the ability to choose after being deprogrammed, which is in itself crazy and a bitch. Let me tell you that you were nothing subtle, Steve, and that if he had two eyes on his face, and I know he has them, he knows you were very tender with him. So while you're fooling around he dies, five years go by while you blame yourself for the great loss, Steve, don't think I haven't noticed. And then when he comes back and considering that what he remembers is that until two days ago you were literally fooling around, you tell him that you go to the past to live with your love of youth" he concludes to put a spoonful of chocolate ice cream in the mouth. He is going to need sugar in kilos.

"And then Barnes, a depressed, silent and shy person, yes, don't look at me like that, Barnes is shy, he congratulates you with his face distorted and his heart in pieces, and you believe him and think that everything is fine" He says Steve with the spoon.

"Steve, have you read those books or do you have them just to decorate the bookshelf? Because let me ask you what you think happens to a person with trust issues that gives baby steps to what is a relationship not based on codependence and the need to survive when you suddenly tell him that he is not good enough and bye bye because I'm leaving with another one" the scathing tone is not necessary, Sam knows it, but the stupidity of his friend has created a great problem.

"He congratulated me and recommended buying lottery numbers!" Steve replies, but they both know that it is an excuse because no, after boasting to know Buck as the palm of his hand did not think about how he could break his heart.

"How many copying mechanisms to face this situation does Barnes have right now to recover from this ... trauma? I give you a hint, the AKA and the Colt don't count" Sam continues with irony " And now you say that you have come back for him because you love him. Goodness…"

"Don't talk to me like that, Sam!" Steve yells with his hands on the table and his body leaning forward. Sam raises his eyebrows and sits up. He can't believe this man is the same Steve he knows. Maybe he should have moderated his tone but Sam has heard enough. Steve has had twelve years of advantage in dealing with the shit and Sam has risen just a couple of weeks ago, and now he's worried about Barnes in a way that Steve doesn't seem to understand.

"Well. Just ... wow ... you left me speechless, Steve" says while taking the jacket.

"You are an idiot, Steve, and you are not aware of the state in which you have left Barnes, but you would fear for him" he says while he is already walking towards the door. A hand on his shoulder stops him.

"Sam, sorry. I didn't want to act like that but I'm a little desperate. Bucky has never run away from me ... " he recognizes, and his face betrays the pain and fear that eats his heart "I fear for Bucky, I know he had a panic attack when he saw me and that is not good from any possible way. I want to help him but now I don't know where he is"

Sam stops next to the door and reflects to what extent to trust him. This is not his Steve, that man disappeared two weeks and twelve years ago. This man freaks out, and Sam thinks he can do more harm than good.

"Let me think what to do and for now do not mess. I want him to trust me at least"

"I'm sure he trusts me" Steve complains, and to some extent he is right. If he were in danger, Barnes would most likely come out of nowhere armed to the teeth to help him.

And probably then run away from the place.

Sam sighs. It will not be so simple.


	6. Week 4

Sam has been on a mission for 3 days and is not focused, he knows it. And Steve's wolf look on him doesn't help, damn mature man who doesn't know when to allow generational relief...

He has a bad feeling. The week is about to end and Barnes has not yet called. Also, while he is on mission, he won't be able to pick up the phone, let alone with Steve stalking him like a shadow.

And in the end, after another afternoon of action, he finds a missed call from a hidden phone number. He notices the nerves curling treacherous.

“You're looking at the phone a lot. What are you waiting for? Your girlfriend's call? “ he says with a smile that doesn't reach his eyes.

No, from your ex, idiot.

The moment Sam can escape Steve's presence, he calls the phone, but is turned off and has no voicemail. All hope goes to hell, being alone and acting stealthily from Steve he can't do it.

Sam needs help.

When he arrives at the apartment he has in the old Stark tower (his apartment was rented when the snap happened) he asks Shuri's phone for Friday. T'Challa probably has her own problems now…

*** *** ***

“Hello, are you Shuri? “ the voice on the other side asks with doubts.

“Yes, who are you and how did you get my phone? “ Shuri answers while continuing to check a series of data.

“Sam, Sam Wilson. Falcon? “ says the other voice uncertainly.

“Oh, hello Sam. Of course I know who you are, don't be an idiot. Is something wrong? “ His tone has made her stop and pay 100% attention.

There is a pause before Sam speaks again, as if he was ordering his thoughts “Emm, I was wondering if you knew anything about Bucky Barnes. You know, the White Wolf“

Shuri raises an eyebrow. Bucky is supposed to be with them “ Something like what? Is he ok? “ She asks while the whole of the computers behind do not stop.

“I just want to know if he has contacted you or T'Challa recently“ Sam is tense, she notices.

“We talked three days ago. I needed a shipment of equipment“ she makes a silence while she thinks “Bucky told me that you were together to hunt Hydra. Has he disappeared? “ he asks with concern.

The silence extends between them.

“Sam, be clear with me. What's up? “ demands. Shuri no longer looks like the young girl she met in Wakanda when they were going to face Thanos. Now she is an intelligent and perceptive woman.

"Equipment do you mean weapons and that kind of thing?" Sam says in a voice.

“Yes, and some explosives, EMP and a new armor“ Shuri remembers something that at the time did not think it was very relevant “And another lower mask. I already told him that it didn't seem like a good idea, but he insisted and I didn't give it much importance“

Shuri leaves the data on screen and gets up from the chair, nervous. “Sam, tell me right now what happens or I swear I sent Wakanda's diplomatic relations to hell“ Shuri sweats, she has a stone in his stomach.

She's scared.

“Hey, Shuri, don't get in the worst. Just a lot of bad things have happened to him in a short time ...“ Shuri looks at the phone in disbelief while rebelling indignantly and reminds Sam of 70 years, what he had to live to break his mind that way, what he had to do to survive “Ok, he has a few hard weeks recently ...“

“It has to do with Rogers, doesn't it? About the afternoon he went to return the stones and returned in his fifties and saying he had married Peggy Carter”

Sam cleared his throat. There is anger in Shuri's voice. “Well, it may not have been good for Barnes. You know they were very close ...“

“If 'very close', you mean he is balls deep in love for him, yes I know“ Shuri sighs sadly for his friend. “So Bucky has a broken heart and has left without saying anything. I can't blame him, man. It may take time to recover, but he could never be far from Rogers for a long time“

“When you talk to him again ... can you ask him to go to Wakanda for a few days with an excuse? With me he will not meet and you can take a good look, see if he's ok ...“

“When you talk to him again ... can you ask him to go to Wakanda for a few days with an excuse? With me he will not meet and you can take a good look, see if he's ok ...“

“Sure, Sam. I get to it and I will keep you informed. But ... don't say anything to Steve. If Bucky wants to keep his distance, respect his decision“

Sam breathes. Luckily, Shuri also knows him and cares about him. "I wasn't going to do it, although Steve is pushing me too hard to talk to him."

“Why? Bucky hasn't talked to him? “

Sam runs his hand over his face wearily “ No, he refuses to talk to him or see him. That seems to have turned on some kind of button on Steve“

“Rogers is full of determination when it comes to others, especially Bucky“ Shuri doesn't judge, and that's ok.

She will be close to her friend and that is what matters.


	7. Week 4

Bucky limps to the jeep that has brought him to the old Hydra base on the cold coast of Norway. He doesn't understand why the hell there were 20 soldiers protecting dust, rust and mold, but all of them have fought to the end.

Yes, he had not enough intel. Sometimes it happens and the risk is assumed. In this case it has resulted in a couple of shots in the leg and some cuts and bruises, but the important thing is that the base has sunk to its foundations and is now just a grave for the bodies that nobody will come looking for. He has gotten some things that can help him; products that injected him when the Soldier became erratic. Chemicals that avoided pain.

And some of the formulas with which those drugs were created.

Well, the main thing is to take out the bullets and close the wounds. Fortunately they are embedded in the muscle and have not touched an important artery.

He departs a few kilometers just in case, he is never paranoid enough with Hydra so close, when he stops and starts practicing first aid. The car trunk is equipped for it and he has enough practice, the Soldier had to be able to survive after all.

Bullets out, staples that angrily bite the sore flesh and make him clench his jaw, and finally gauze. When he finally sits in the car with peace of mind to stretch his leg he realizes that he has several missed calls in his kimoyo beads.

Just then it sounds again.

He doesn't intend to pick up the phone with what it looks like now. The face is stained with blood due to a cut in the head and swelling of the cheekbone would be noticeable too much. Opens the voice communication nothing more.

“ Hey! How is my favorite white boy? “ Shuri tells him in a playful voice and that makes him smile despite how tired and old he feels inside.

“ Oh, well, around here cleaning trash, you know. And how is my favorite princess? “ he asks humorously.

“ Well, looking forward to seeing you, Bucky, and you've left me wanting to. Are you with company? Or are you ashamed of me? ” A snort escapes Bucky's lips but the question is tricky.

“ No, I'm on the mountain in the dark and I don't want any light to betray my position “ he pauses as he measures the words he is going to say “ You know, I would never be ashamed of you, right? “

“ I hope so, Bucky. I don't want to break a finger kicking that pale ass of yours. When can you come to Wakanda? I'm thinking of some pieces of equipment that I would like to discuss with you. Also, you sure miss that crazy goat yours “

“ Don't call Ella that, She was always an extraordinary singer but misunderstood “ he tells her with feigned outrage. That goat made it unnecessary to have a guard dog, it lowed as possessed to which somebody entered its fields ...

“ Yes, well, definitely jazz is not mine. Then when do you come? ”

“ Ehm, let me look at it and I tell you, but I don't think I can before two weeks. There are many fresh trails that if I leave I may not recover ”

“ Tell me something next week, okay? I have many things to tell you … ” she says in a funny voice.

“ Of course, I'll call you. Take care Shuri ”

“ You too, Bucky. And remember to rest ”

Bucky cleans the traces of blood, changes clothes and with the cap and glasses is another person more invisible on the road while thinking about his goats named by the best jazz singers of his time: Billie Holiday, Ella Fitzgerald, Sarah Vaughan, Dina Washington and Peggy ... Peggy Lee. Peggy's name does not associate it with the cheerful reddish goat with a black beard and a broken horn. The name reminds Steve. Steve with Peggy, Steve stroking Peggy's skin. Steve kissing Peggy...

At the end, he stops at the side of the road when he notices that the bile goes up the throat and leaves the car to vomit. Hardly anything comes out, he has not eaten for many hours and now he has a stomach like a stone.

Steve stripping Peggy …

A little more bile comes out through the mouth and nose and looks for a handkerchief in the pocket to clean the remains. His hands tremble and the heat seems to have run away from his body. It feels cold, frozen to the marrow.

And he feels guilty.

Why can't he be happy for his best friend? Is he such a bad person? So selfish?

_Wake up, Barnes, that's what it is. Everyone goes on with their life. What did you expect? A little house with a white fence and a couple of children?_

For God's sake, it's the Winter Soldier. His hands ooze blood of innocents and he does not deserve a future.

He doesn't deserve Steve.

He does not deserve forgiveness.

He kneels on the cold and muddy ground with his eyes lost in the infinite. The clouds cover the ocean and the wind is cold and sharp. Around him the tremendous Norwegian forests howl with the wind.

At some point it has started to rain, because when he recovers from the disconnection he is soaked to the bone and shivering with cold. He doesn't know how long he has been alienated but he gets into the car before he ends up soaking the bandage on his leg.

The endless road stretches before him but his brain is full of cotton. The calm pounding of the rain against the glass invites him to sleep so he parks in a quiet picnic area, lowers his cap and closes his eyes. He has a brief thought about cleaning the blood in the black tactical equipment with straps that Shuri has designed for him and that he has kept in the car trunk, but he thinks that it can wait a couple of hours.

Besides the blood is invisible in black, and blue was always the color of Steve…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you like it?  
> Leave me a kudo :)


	8. Week 5

" Don't fuck me, Sam! " Steve yells with his eyes twinkling with anger. " I know he's been calling you. Where is he? "

Sam doesn't know what to do with this Steve. He is nervous and irritable 24 hours a day and wants to get his Bucky back; he is not taking very well that his ex-best friend is avoiding him.

“ Steve, calm down “ asks with raised hands in a pacifying gesture but can't help taking a step back.

“ I don't know why you're hiding him from me, Sam. I never thought you would betray me in this way ... “ he says with a scathing and dismissive tone.

Sam knows he shouldn't take the bait, but Steve is making it very difficult. "Come on, man, you know I would never betray you. You shouldn't think like that about me ...” he replies calmly, although under his skin he cannot help noticing that he begins to be sick to death of his demands.

“ You lie! Bucky needs me, he could be being captured by Hydra right now! You have already seen the revenge tour in which he is involved ...”

“ Yes, Steve, we've all seen it ”

“ I should be with him, fuck! “

You should have been with him before, you asshole. Before creating the deep and suppurating wound in his heart full of patches...

“ Steve, look at me. He needs time to put his issues in order, okay? We are not talking about a fond of paintball enthusiast, he is the fucking Winter Soldier “ he answers without real security to rely on. It also seems like a terrible idea to haunt Hydra alone “ and you would do well to remember his strengths, not just his weaknesses - Sam bites sarcastically.

“ I know he's strong. He survived an impossible fall. He endured years of torture and conditioning, remember? “

"Do _you_ remember, Steve?" He snapped, and blue eyes narrowed in unfathomable slits that caused a small chill. Steve stands up in all his size, intimidating despite his crow's feet and his hair more silver than blond.

He crosses his arms over his chest and Sam feels that his friendship is being reevaluated.

“ If you talk to him again, tell him I miss him. Tell him to call me ...” he asks in a measured voice before leaving the hall of the Avengers building.

Sam is not going to tell him what they are talking about. He doesn't even think of mentioning Steve's name the next time he talks to Barnes, because he knows it's the fastest way for Barnes to hang up the phone and what he's trying to do is create a solid bond, be a crutch he trusts to lean on when he needs it.

Steve goes to his apartment in the tower. He has the impression that he has been wasting time and should not have trust so much on Sam's criteria. Although he is a good veteran therapist, it is clear that after his studies during the Snap, Steve is better able to make a proper assessment of what Bucky needs.

And Bucky needs help. His help.

“ Friday, are my priority safety protocols still active? “ he asks as he leaves the jacket abandoned in any way on the sofa.

“ Yes, Captain Rogers ” answer meekly.

“ Well, you tax all calls that Sam Wilson receives from strange numbers or hidden phones. And don't put him on notice, I explore a possible security breach of the Avengers “ he asks as he drops onto the couch with a beer in his hand.

“ Very well, Captain Rogers “

He feels restless in his skin without a clear direction to aim. The world is also not calm and it's irritating how he keeps wasting time from here to there saving the day while no one helps him.

Sam and Nat at least helped him find Bucky during the two years he was missing after Insight. He doesn't understand why it's different now.

And he knows, damn it, that if Buck is still so good at hiding, he's going to have to play dirty.


	9. Week 7

“Wilson?“ he asked a doubtful voice.

“Hey, Barnes! Glad to hear from you again, friend. How have you been?“ Sam asks in a soft and cheerful voice. He wants to convey a good welcome, let him know that friendship is genuine. That clearly unsettles the voice on the other side of the phone.

“Uh, well, I guess“ an indecisive pause makes Sam take control of the conversation before it becomes more uncomfortable.

“You haven't called me in two weeks, don't think I haven't noticed“ he replies with humor “And I missed that nice voice of yours. I was sorry for not being able to answer your last call, I was on a mission and it was not ... a safe environment for a conversation “And not to mention Steve's name has made it clear that he will keep his promise.

“... Ah, sorry. I didn't know if to call back. I don't want to be a burden, but ... I promised you ...” Barnes doesn't seem to be prepared for a heart-to-heart talk, and Sam plans to take advantage of it.

“Well, Barnes, you're always welcome to call me, or even if you want to stay for a day for coffee. You're the one who sets the limits, okay? Whatever you want and as far as you want”

Kindness feels undeserved but ... good. There is another pause before Barnes's worn voice answers “Umm, I'm not close to DC precisely but thanks for the invitation“ he answers quietly.

“You know? One of the things I loved to do when I was traveling was pecking native food. I never stayed in the restaurant but whenever I could I asked for 4 or 5 typical dishes to take away and enjoy them in the tranquility of the hotel or base. That's how I fell in love with Iran's crispy fried rice, although occasionally it brought me an unpleasant surprise“ Wilson laughs with camaraderie and softness, Barnes thinks about how scarce and bad he is eating, and how reckless it is to abandon his health this way. Nor is it that he is planning it, but things continue to happen around him and he is very, very tired of having to allocate resources on non-immediate issues. All his mental and physical energy is focused on a single objective: Hydra.

 _Don't think about your main objective. Don't think about him ..._ His heart is flooded with pain as he remembers Steve tasting Wakanda's food, which he prepared with one arm himself according to the recipe of Amosa and Moussa's mother, the most curious children in his village.

Steve's smile was tender, warm and his eyes ...

His mind reconnects at some point with Wilson's voice to the phone.

“Have I ever told you about a small restaurant in Corcega where they have been cooking the same dishes for more than 500 years? They are all recipes from ancient Rome, such as stuffed pumpkin flowers and date wine” Sam sighs longingly “I won't tell you they are delicious, but the clash of flavors leaves no one indifferent. I'd like to go with you one day, Barnes. I could also make you a tour guide, I know the area very well“ Wilson's kind offer reassures Barnes's concerns by speaking without a specific time frame.

“Thanks Wilson, maybe someday. I think I have never been in Corcega“ he adds.

“Hey, are you well equipped? A trip can be a source of endless personal discovery but as long as it does not become a struggle for survival. You know it, right? That you are not alone What can you count on me? With us for what you need”

“You don't need to worry. I can take care of myself, Wilson” he answers between uncomfortable and warm about that protective attitude.

“I know, Barnes. You are a survivor” And fuck if he is, he has survived against all odds since 1943 “... but I also know that sometimes the smallest things become great mountains difficult to overcome. I still remember the 5 months in which I had no energy to brush my teeth, or shave ...”

Wilson is much smarter than anyone gives him credit, Barnes realizes. Speaking of his own experience, he is creating a blind but very successful comparison of the mood in which he finds himself without having to speak, but forcing him to reflect on it.

To face it.

He doesn't even have a toothbrush in his suitcase and his hair is dirty and greasy. His clothes are big and soon the belt will no longer have enough holes. Bucky, no, Barnes knows he has a depression. The psychiatrist who treated him in Wakanda helped but then Thanos arrived and then …

How many weeks have passed since he was resurrected?

And for Steve? How many years have passed?

And why does it matter? Think while you notice another sting in the chest and eyes.

“Well, fortunately the serum prevents me from catching cavities. Little blessings ...” Barnes answers, but his voice has done something weird and Wilson has caught it.

“Are you okay Barnes? Do you want to talk about it?” The skin gets goose bumps despite Wilson's pleasant and confident voice. The tongue seems thicker in his mouth and decides that he has been on the phone for too long.

“No, thanks. I'm going to buy some things. I just realized that I have run out of toothpaste” he says in a mood he doesn't feel but Wilson laughs. Both recognize that he has hit the target but at least he will solve that.

“Do you have any email? Internet is very useful, not only to track people. I would like to send you some things that can help. There will be no exam, don't worry” he adds to relieve tension.

Barnes values the proposal. He has several emails that will not pose any risk and he gives one of them, a gibberish of letters and numbers.

“Wow, it's going to be a challenge to write the mail first! But thanks, man, I hope you like what I'll send you”

“Well, do not fill it with shit or I will put all your mail in spam ...” Barnes replies while looking at how much cash he has in his wallet. “Bye Wilson. And thanks” answers awkwardly.

“See you soon Barnes. A strog hug and I await your next call. You know you don't have to limit yourself to one a week, huh?”

Barnes snorts. “well, let's see how much time I have”

When he leaves the hotel where he has settled, it is not yet noon and the shops are open. He enters the first supermarket and buys things that he knows he should have thought of before. Toothbrush, razor, scissors, shampoo and hair softener, a brush ... the list is long but he hadn't missed it before. The hostels have those little bars of soap that he has used for everything: skin, hair, clothes …

Yes, Wilson is very intelligent, he thinks while eating some sweet ginger pastries he has bought at the bakery on the way and notices the spicy and fresh taste on the tongue.

But it will try to be more foresight. As he said, sometimes it's as simple as going through a bakery and buying five random things to have on standby …

*** *** ***

Sam listens to the quinjet take off from the hangar but doesn't give it much importance.

Not at least until he meets Wanda and Bruce for dinner, but Steve doesn't appear anywhere.


	10. Week 7

Steve approaches the man who plays quietly with his cell phone at the reception of the shabby hotel. As soon as he looks up he recognizes him. He has been going on missions and the cameras have filmed him with his new look: graying and older, but no less determined.

He shows him a recent photo of Bucky through the Stark phone and the man collaborates with passion.

“He is in room 114. He has been staying for a couple of days. He is dangerous?”

“No, he isn't, but be aware. Do you have a master key?“

They both approach the door and the janitor knocks with his knuckles with the first excuse he can think of. Excuse me, I have a water leak complaint. Are you there?-

Not a single noise comes from inside and Steve asks him to open the door.

“I'm going in, I need to check the water leak ...” The poor man is sweating from his nerves but does what he is asked to do and moves away. After all, this is a matter of the Avengers.

Steve enters and quickly checks the room. It's small and cheap, and some of Bucky's belongings are in it.

“Stay at reception. If you see him, do nothing, I'll take care of it” Captain America orders him and the poor guy squares like a soldier. Finally a little free collaboration …

Steve closes the door but does nothing until the man's steps disappear into the hall. That is when he allows himself to absorb everything that unfolds in front of him.

The bed is made but with some wrinkle. He grabs the pillow and smells Bucky's fragrance. Mixed feelings flood him, the longing mixes with an imprecise sense of offense, of grievance. He doesn't let himself be dominated by them and keeps looking in the room. There is a backpack full of clothes in the closet, a couple of phones with the battery out and a small laptop turned off but plugged in. In the bathroom Steve can smell the shampoo and conditioner that Bucky has chosen, the note of green apples seems inspiring but the amount of long hair found in the brush does not reassure him. The toothbrush is still damp and in the trash can find the wrapper in which it came along with some ... bloody gauze.

Shit.

He goes to the backpack again and begins to open without regard. The clothes are folded compactly and those that are wrapped in plastic bags have dried blood. Among it he finds a pair of guns and 4 knives of combat, maintained of impolute form.

There is no trace of the ammunition or a single document that gives a clue of what he is currently doing, so Steve starts looking for hiding places to which Bucky's paranoia is so fond of.

It takes some time, but he finds some unnamed drugs in syringes that give him goosebumps.

*** *** ***

Barnes regresa al hotel solo media hora después y justo en el momento en que pasa por la recepción del hotel y el hombre lo mira nerviosamente, sabe que algo está mal. Se detiene por debajo de las expectativas e inmediatamente el hombre, con el rostro distorsionado por el miedo, busca algo al final de las escaleras donde está su habitación.

He doesn't need more, he leaves the bag he was holding and runs with his whole being. At his back he hears a scream that freezes his blood.

“Captain! He is running away!!”

*** *** ***

Steve's body moves without thinking, opening the door tightly and running down the stairs. Jump on the bag that lies on the floor from which a piece of dark blue clothes and small biscuits scattered above.

Bucky. It's Bucky, with brown hair swaying on the run, fast and agile like a cat, worn jeans, green parka and a cap that falls when he miraculously dodges a walking couple.

“Bucky !!” Steve shouts as he follows behind, demanding his legs more and more. He barely turns his head to take a look but his blue eyes look scared and Steve remembers as if it were yesterday the Winter Soldier's gaze. The cry for help he saw in his eyes when he still didn't know who he was.

He turns the corner skidding, they have been in a sprint for a long time and it seems that neither of them even gasps, not at least until a car runs over Bucky across the street. Nothing happens to him, he rolls with inertia and gets carried away to get up immediately and efficiently, but the time he loses is enough for Steve to jump on him. They roll on the ground with their limbs scrambled and for a moment he is caught between his legs, Bucky's body tense under his weight while Steve focuses on immobilizing his hands without harming him, when his eyes meet.

In Bucky's sunken eyes there is pain and a suspicious glow that could be tears, until a soft flutter of eyelashes changes his expression and the tight and resolute jaw softens to a totally serene face and it's …

It's creepy.

Suddenly the body shudders briefly and Steve sees the blue of the sky and the hard asphalt. Bucky has taken it off with a powerful leg spanner and by the time Steve manages to get up, the powerful motor of a motorcycle accelerating thoroughly gives him an indication of the direction he is fleeing from.

Fleeing from him.

“Bucky!” Panting he can only see how the motorcycle is speeding down the street towards the suburbs. Steve looks around. He needs another motorcycle to keep up and there is none, he wasn't even ready for ... for this.

Bucky has lost a lot of weight. The dark spot that stretched across the jeans while their bodies were locked indicates that the wound has opened again. The syringes hidden in the room …

With luck, with a lot of luck Bucky will return to the hotel to collect his things.

And there he will be waiting for him because it is clear that he needs his help.


	11. Week 7

The hours go by, the sun goes down, the cold spreads and the moon appears, but Bucky doesn't come back.

Steve has been waiting restlessly in the room and begins to collect his things with an almost morbid curiosity, noting every detail, every thread, every smell.

He starts with the bathroom where the hygiene stuff and the first aid kit are. The kit is quite complete and the volume Bucky has bought from some products shows that he regularly uses cottons, gauze, hydrogen peroxide and tape. Some others such as tweezers or scissors have been used recently.

And it has a special case of needles and scalpels, with surgery thread.

Then he finds some Disney princess strips and his heart skips a beat when he remembers Bucky's fucking adorable and mischievous smile when he showed up at home with the Snow White tickets in hand.

The film was made with such grace and love that even his friend remained with his mouth open to the elegance of the stroke, color and animation.

And Steve's heart was almost bleeding with admiration and gratitude for having a friend like Bucky by his side.

It was love. It was always love, unconfessable, forbidden, dangerous. But also tender, dedicated and faithful. It was good love, that could last a lifetime.

Love that had lasted a lifetime.

Steve sighs as he continues to collect things from the small room and leaves the syringes that contain who knows on the bedside table.

Inside the duffel bag there are easily replaceable things, such as clothes or toiletry, but irreplaceable things such as tactical equipment, sniper rifle or combat boots are not, so Steve intuits a second shelter or hiding place.

In the duffel bag he also finds a dark gray scarf with matching gloves, the fake passport with which he registered and sunglasses. A zippo, two packages of tobacco and a pot with soluble coffee (really Buck?). No pajamas, he realizes with a smile while remembering that Bucky liked to wear Steve's old shirts to sleep.

_They make me feel protected._

Finally he takes the cloth bag that Buck had left in the hallway and that he had picked up when he returned to the room. Inside there is a cellophane package with rectangular, small and crispy cookies with honey. The appearance is delicious and takes some of those that have been spilled on a piece of clothing inside.

It is a huge dark blue inner shirt and made with organic merino wool. The touch is soft, warm and tempting, and underneath there are matching pants, with laces but a size more appropriate to Buck's waist.

It's ... it's a fucking pajamas.

Steve's heart hurts from the situation. He feels abandoned, he feels rejected but he knows it's not really Bucky's fault. The poor man does what he can with the PTSD, with depression, with the heavy guilt.

Bucky is not responsible for his actions because he cannot think clearly and has to keep that in mind. Mental illnesses are not the fault of the people who suffer from them.

But the omission of help from a person in need …

 _He only needs time_ , Sam said.

 _Remember his strengths,_ he said.

_I would never betray you ..._

When he realizes is clenching his fists, about to break something. Inaction kills him, drowns him. Impotence and frustration are chewing him and he has to do something with his hands before …

He hits the mattress once, twice, three times. The fists shake with contained power but it has not been enough to discharge the worst part of the frustration and the mattress endures admirably, so continue for five minutes until someone hits the wall, warning him that he's not as quiet as he intend.

He leaves the mattress and goes to wash his face, trying to calm down. Then he takes a few breaths and finishes packing everything carefully and efficiently.

Everything but the deodorant, a roll-on of a special man for athletes, and he feels stupid because he can't sniff it without remembering the thin body under his legs, without remembering the gray and tormented eyes.

And suddenly that slip to a cold look that he knew very well aboard a helicarrier.

Did Bucky consider him an enemy?

Why?

_I was recovering, Steve. My memories were scarce and ... I felt lost, as if someone else had lived through it, but when enough memories had returned to their place, I would have looked for you._

Morning arrives and he knows that Buck will not return. He has easily fallen into habits that had already saved his life once. Low profile, escape at the slightest hint of problems, distrust enemies and allies.

_Hold on, Buck. I know you feel lost but don't worry. You focus on surviving that I will find you._


	12. Week 7

The dinner passes stilly, with some comments here and there. Wanda is quieter and more serious than usual, but it is understandable. Poor girl, her story is tragic, aggravated by the complications of age and hes situation after the Sokovia agreements.

It even got worse when she was forced to take sides, to live as an exile even though she had a strong determination in the decision she made.

And she still had time to fall in love with Vision. Then she was forced to kill him, and also died later.

And when half of the planet was finally resurrected, Vision was still dead.

Now ... now Pepper helps everyone, because it is Pepper who has generously given the technical laboratory to Banner and the entire building to the Avengers. The money from their cards comes directly from the Stark pockets.

But Wanda is still grieving for everything she has lost. She has lost a lot to be so young.

Sam has faith. She is damned strong, but as long as she needs him nearby he will be by her side.

“I've been looking at some future possibilities ...” she says while pecking at her curry. “At the beginning I thought about going to university, being able to live with a bit of normality but then I realized that it would be ... quite complicated. I will not leave the Avengers, and that will force me to skip classes for days, but weeks. Then there is the issue of classmates, among which I will be a target for the curiosity of the entire campus. I don't want to throw away Stark Industries money but I do want to study, so I thought about universities online”

Bruce (his green version) looks up “You know that the number of specializations is much lower and that science is practically eliminated, right?”

Wanda smiles confidently “Yes, Bruce. But let's not fool ourselves, I am not a science girl. I like to read, I like languages and ...”

Sam's phone rings and on the screen you can see it's Clint. -Hey, hello Clint, how was everything? - Sam is glad to hear from his friend. The self-destructive version of Clint that survived during the 5 years of the Snap has begun to moderate when he left the Avengers indefinitely to regain lost time with his family.

“What is happening with Barnes? Why didn't you tell me anything?”

Sam closes his mouth suddenly and thinks a couple of seconds before answering “What do you mean?”

“My son has told me that on TV news, a video of Rogers in civilian clothes chasing Barnes in Poland has appeared. Is he a fugitive now?”

“Give me a moment Clint, because I don't know what you're talking about. Friday, can you put the video of Rogers chasing Barnes in Poland and all the related news?”

The huge television screen turns on and they can see through two perspectives filmed clearly from phones how the scene unfolds. Everything is quite confusing but you can see how Barnes rolls in front of a car, Rogers throwing himself for him and reducing him, and then Barnes getting him off and stealing a motorcycle.

Related news appears on the right but one repeats painfully. Is the Winter Soldier a fugitive?

Wanda gets up from the chair to stand in front of the television with hands in his mouth. She doesn't know anything about the whole situation, like Clint, and Sam realizes that the secret has escaped from Pandora's box.

“Clint, we are watching the video, we didn't know anything until now. Have you called Steve?”

“He doesn't pick up the phone and after a while he turned off the phone. Now I can't call him and was worried, that's why I called you. I thought maybe you were together ...”

*** *** ***

When the man looks up from his phone and meets half of the Avengers in the hall of his hotel, he knows that he can raise the rates by at least 10%. That doesn't take away his idiot face, because they are probably the reinforcements to stop the Winter Soldier.

“Is Captain America here?” Falcon asks accompanied by the Scarlet Witch who looks more like a teenager than the super powerful woman she is. Both go with winter clothes and hot coffees in their hands. He wouldn't have recognized them if he hadn't spent the night looking at photos and videos of the Avengers.

“He is in room 114. Should I evict the hotel?” he asks, because if the hotel explodes in a thousand pieces he would prefer not to be reported for negligence.

“No need, don't worry” Falcon replies as he goes to the room.

*** *** ***

Steve gets up calmly when he hears the steps down the hall and the knuckles at the door. Open the door to meet Wanda's expectant eyes and Sam's serious face, which offers him a huge glass of coffee that smells like heaven.

“We thought you would have had a hard night, Steve. Are you ready to go?” he asks and Steve turns to the interior of the room, where the backpack lies on the bed now destroyed.

The mattress had not endured so much in the end.

He sits in a corner, with his shoulders sunk and his head down while he warms his hands with the cup of coffee. They both enter and close the door behind them, and Wanda sits beside him shoulder to shoulder “I'm sorry Steve” she says in a sad voice.

They drink coffee in the room while the sun heats Lublin's icy morning. The silence extends, only filled by the sounds of the awakening of the city, blinds rising, buses circulating …

"You know he won't come back here" Sam says in a sympathetic voice approaching him and putting a firm, warm hand on his shoulder.

Steve nods slowly and gets up slowly. He takes a last look at the room, puts on his jacket and picks up Buck's duffel bag.

Before leaving he pays the room and all the damage he has caused. “If he comes back don't be afraid of him. He is a good man and what happens is not his fault. And call me, please” ask him by giving him a card with his phone.

The man does the military salute in front of the Avengers and they leave the hotel in the direction of the quinjet. Beside him, Sam and Wanda close the space seeking comfort as they slowly move through the streets.

Well, now that he has earned his compassion he just has to keep pretending, to have them by his side and not against him. Peggy had to learn to be cunning and manipulative when she became the director of SHIELD, and Steve had six years to learn from the best.

The trip in the quinjet is quiet and he takes the opportunity to take a nap.

And think about how he is going to analyze the products in the syringes that he has without Bruce knowing.


	13. Week 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter I want to warn about Bucky's negative feelings, his desperate situation, and the bad decisions he is making. Although there shouldn't be any triggers, they spin around on the same topics that get him even deeper into depression.

Barnes feels the brain stuffed with cotton but that has never been an impediment to open his eyes suddenly, awake and with all the senses alert in his environment. He is sitting on a sofa, fully dressed and armed. He partially covers a quilt that does not cover his arms and in his right hand, he holds a pistol with the safety catch on. On the left, he has at hand a ... dammit, a grenade.

Did he expect visits?

The apartment in which he is located is cold but he does not notice drafts. A layer of dust covers everything, that makes him deduce that nobody lives here.

He pulls the quilt aside and takes off his parka, leaving it on the sofa with the rest of the weapons he kept on hand. He goes to the kitchen and checks that there is water and electricity, and the moment he opens the door to one of the rooms, he quickly backs away when finds two single beds. Open the second room and the layout is the same.

The favorite configuration of Hydra's safe flats.

He searches for the place where the weapons are hidden by default and finds some of them. The missing weapons are probably the ones on the couch.

What is he doing here?

And what city is he in? Lublin had no safe house that he knew of ...

He turns to search his computer when he remembers that he now has nothing. Everything has been left behind when he had to flee.

Oh god, when he ran away from Steve ...

His heart skips a beat causing him to put his right hand on his chest while he remains absorbed in remembering what happened. Suspicion when he arrived at the hotel. Fear of an ambush by Hydra or the CIA, or whoever.

Steve's voice calling him and the anguish he felt mixed with fear.

What had he done to deserve his anger?

His legs tremble and sits on the cold kitchen floor as he remembers struggling. Steve's determined face when he pinned him, his outrage …

The white hair gave him a distinguished touch and the wrinkles at the corner of the lips come out when you smile a lot. Surely many years of happiness still await him, surrounded by his children and grandchildren. Peggy will take care of it!

Yes, the man he has become is beautiful but he is not his Steve. That man is a stranger but at the same time, he is Steve.

The Steve who defended him from 116 countries and from Stark.

The Steve who smiled sheepishly as he brought him bouquets of wildflowers after picking up the goats.

This man ... this man is that Steve who has made a smart choice for once in his life. For this Steve, Bucky is a thing of his past. The shiny, delicate and precious little thing that was springing up between them and that Bucky treasured (treasures!) He discarded. He discarded it because he found something better and although for Bucky it is a casket full of gold and diamonds, for Steve it was full of shit ...

He trembles like jelly and hugs his legs, heartbroken. Bitter tears run down his cheeks without being able to control them.

He breathes heavily, his heart beats painfully fast when he remembers how young Steve was in the newspaper photo with which Hydra showed him that Captain America was dead, that he had crashed the plane in the ice and that no one would come to look for him.

No one ever knew that day was the day Bucky broke up. There were still a few occasions when he would resist, but hope never came back.

After all, the love of his life had died, there were no reasons to fight.

They brought him newspapers for weeks, from all countries and in all possible languages. And after each torture session, each obedience test, they showed him one of them and laughed at his pain.

Because it hurt every time, every time it was as if the heart was pierced by the finest and longest needle man has ever created.

And each time he let it loose, cold.

Dead inside.

That fine needle has returned and has been lurking for weeks. Everything is so raw, so painful and exhausting.

It's not worth the effort.

It's not worth it...

*** *** ***

Three hours pass before he rises from the kitchen floor, mainly pushed by the cold. Starts cooking an expired mashed potato sachet and rummage through typical nooks for cell phones and laptops. At least Hydra's safe houses were always stocked with essential supplies for his squads.

He fights for half an hour until he manages to remove the tracking chip from the laptop, an old and heavy thing that must be about seven or eight years old but that boots quickly and has a program to break wifi passwords installed. So without shame, he starts stealing the neighbor's internet.

He is located in Ukraine, in the city of Rovno, and it has been two days since the persecution.

He had not had such a long dissociation since fleeing Hydra.

Smile without humor. He hadn't told Steve his dirty little secret, embarrassed that he had given in to torture and manipulation. Fearful of being rejected.

And in the end, the silence didn't even help...

Another wave of despair and sadness sweeps him away and leaves him shaking and freezing, curled up on the sofa with the available quilt, parka, and cushions. He doesn't even have the strength to get up and grab more blankets.

When he has strength, he will find a route to retrieve his car. In the trunk are the important things like his tactical equipment, the rifle and an extra phone. The kimoyo beads are safe there, too, and the Hydra formulas he'll have to reproduce now that he has lost the samples. Oh, the injections would have gone so well now …

But that will be another time, when he doesn't feel so miserable

When everything stops hurting so much ...


	14. Week 7

When Steve wakes up in his huge bed it's still night.

He runs his hand along the side on which Peggy used to sleep, the one who defend tooth and nail.

It's been a couple of years since they barely slept together between the long working day as Director of Shield and the few hours of sleep that Steve needs.

And the little desire to share space, he has to recognize.

He sits on the bed, enjoying the feel of the silk sheets. They remind him of Bucky's soft hair, the times he helped him get a ponytail, braid, or bun in Wakanda when she still didn't have the vibranium arm. The touch was soft and relaxing.

Briefly recall Peggy's hair between his fingers, dry and rough from the perm, blow-dryer, or products she wore to keep her looking good. And she looked beautiful, Steve is not going to lie.

But he still preferred the feel of Bucky's hair on his hands.

He wonders if Bucky will care which side of the bed to take.

He closes his eyes and breathes deeply, allowing himself to remember the quiet days in Wakanda now that he no longer feels like betraying Peggy. Now that he has let her go.

Well, now that they have both been able to be honest enough with themselves to recognize that they are not happy together.

His eidetic memory offers him the beautiful sunsets in the mud hut. Bucky's quiet company at his side. The times Bucky's hand took a few moments longer than necessary on his arm, on his skin. The heat emanating from their bodies and competing with the summer.

Peggy's skin was cool by comparison.

His friend's rough hands, cracked by farm work, by the elements, the calluses that belonged to pistols, to knives.

Peggy tried to put on hand cream before going to sleep.

Bucky's harsh body lines, stringy muscle, hair and scars coming out of the lake in the soft peach light of sunset. Ashamed of the metal embedded in his shoulder, his eyes fleeting.

Fearing being disgusting in Steve's eyes.

He remembers the first time he massaged him. It didn't seem difficult getting used to having just one arm, but he can't say the same about the imbalance of the heavy hay bales.

Simple oil on Steve's hands, bare back, and hair tied up in a bun. The shame every time he ran his fingers over the thick scar where the silver metal dug into his skin. The tension shedding his shoulders as he lay on the small cot.

He remembers what Buck's skin feels like under his touch, the fragrance of his sweat.

Steve sighs. The memories are there to claim them, to return at any time, not as his friend, fighting to get them back. Some of them lost forever.

Steve doesn't want to ask what he remembers so as not to make the hole in the head bigger, more obvious.

He was content to make new memories with him, happy every time he got a small smile from those well-defined lips. Hiding behind a shaggy beard had only increased the expression in his gaze.

He wants to wake up every morning with those beautiful stormy eyes looking at him like those mornings in Wakanda. Making feel him like the most precious thing on earth.

Steve smiles as he remembers the first time he received a bouquet of wildflowers, small white and yellow flowers.

_I saw them and they reminded me of you, you know._

He can't tell which of the two was more blushing. They had never given him flowers, not even in the 1940s. And he felt warm and loved, considered not as a superhero. Not as a national icon, or to represent values. Not even for being attractive.

But for being alive.

This is how he wants to make him feel, but for that he must first find him. Give him a home and a chance to heal with the complete confidence of having Steve on his side for whatever he needs.

He briefly recalls the hurt, betrayed gaze as he held him immobilized. So different from the tender looks he is used to.

Steve's heart shrinks briefly. He wants, needs Bucky to look at him again with that honey-sweet affection. He's come back for him because he knows Bucky loves him, has always loved him and needs to feel loved. Bucky is as easy to love as breathing. Like walking.

Steve's decision is reaffirmed.

As Peggy said, sometimes the end justifies the means.


	15. Week 7

“How is he?” Wanda asks delicately as she sits next to him and offers him a hot tea.

Sam runs his hands over his face and sighs as he sinks onto the couch. Although he went to look for Steve to do some sports that same morning, the man has not contained a bit. He has run like a possessed man going round and round while Sam stopped trying to keep up with him for the first mile. It's all very well that Steve needs to vent, but Sam isn't going to die on the way.

“Bad, let's not fool ourselves. Although we have talked a little, he remains sullen and melancholic. I honestly prefer Steve's version pissed off at the world. At least I'm more familiar”

He leans his elbows on his legs and drops his head, exhausted as he remembers the brief but intense conversation they have had.

_He's so thin, Sam ... he's starving to death. He ... he's starving and still he won't eat._

Steve's face was serious, hurt. He has shown him the bloody clothes he kept in the duffel bag. The belt with extra holes clearly made with a knife.

_He is in danger. Attacking Hydra in these conditions is suicide. He's a danger to itself!_

His fists were compulsively clenched, his face clearly denoting concern and anger.

_You asked me to trust his strengths._

That accusatory stab has hurt Sam. Perhaps it is true that he had not correctly analyzed the situation. Maybe Steve is right, he has seen Barnes up close, he has fought with him.

Sam has watched both videos of the fight and also asked Friday for advice. He does look slimmer, of course, but the holes in his belt are spine-chilling …

And Barnes hadn't even said a word during the fight. His instinct to fight or flight filled his entire mind. That is not a good sign either.

The stain on the dark denim would have gone unnoticed if Steve hadn't told him. And well, the medicine cabinet with the surgery case makes your hair stand on end.

Damn Barnes, you looked like you had gotten better!

He looks at Wanda and Bruce before speaking because he doesn't know what to say and what not to mention. “After the battle in the helicarrier, Steve and I tried to find Barnes. With all the resources Tony offered and all of Nat's help, we were unable to locate him. Now Steve is distraught, he's afraid he won't find him again, or find him too late”

"But why is Bucky running away? Steve is his best friend, has something happened between them?” Wanda asks, confused.

And how to explain it without really explaining anything? He also doesn't want to betray Steve's trust ...

“All the indications make us think that Barnes is ... bad. Psychologically and emotionally affected and perhaps he does pose a danger to himself if he is unable to properly assess his own strength in dealing with Hydra. Not everyone knows that Barnes, well, suffers the effects of 70 years under Hydra's slavery and that has taken its toll on his mind. He was in treatment while living in Wakanda, not only to remove the trigger words, but with the snap and ... ehem ... a few more things that have happened to him, Steve thinks he may be unstable, put himself in danger”

Sam recalls the conversation in which he threatened to put Steve on his trail, the nauseating feeling that he was saying goodbye to die like a dog in any ditch.

The shiver that ran down his spine.

Yes, it is more than likely that Sam was not able to realize how bad he was at the time. Steve knows Barnes much better than he does.

“We have to find him. We have to find him and put him safe. And I don't think he quite agrees with the idea”

"So what do we do then?" Asks Bruce, his eyes resigned and sad looking at Sam.

The answer comes from the hall entrance “We bring him in and stabilize him, as we would do with any of ours. He is not of sound mind and we are not going to leave him to his fate until he is killed, right?”

They all turn their heads the moment they hear Steve's deep voice, leaning against the concrete wall and with the face of a kicked puppy. He hasn't shaved and a short blonde fluff occupies his chin.

But his eyes are sharp and focused.


	16. Week 8

“Captain Rogers? I'm Doctor Cho”

Steve stops looking at the monitor where he can see the progress of Friday's hacking on Bucky's computer.

“Hey Doctor Cho. I was waiting for your call. Have you found out something?” he answers.

“I have been analyzing the products you brought. They are not exactly drugs, at least not for the recreational use normally associated with them. There are three different types of drugs but they are all designed for enhanced people like you, Captain”

Bucky may not have developed this, but Hydra in 70 years has surely been able to experience as much as it can. Steve clenches his jaw. Why the hell would Bucky keep them?

“What do they do then?”

“The first product is the simplest, a sedative intended to relax or incapacitate, depending on the dose” Steve does not know whether to be glad that Hydra developed an anesthesia for his toy...

“The second is a powerful painkiller linked to a stimulant. And when I say potent it is because it blocks pain-receiving synapses in the brain. In an enhanced person it would most likely make him overcome almost anything like broken bones or open wounds and continue full physical activity. I'm sure it has side effects, but without studying it in a subject, I wouldn't know which, Captain” the photo of Bucky soaked in blood with his arm and ribs broken appears in his mind. He knows when the product was tested and what results they got because it was in the Winter Soldier's file. And remember some of the side effects like arrhythmias or fever.

Doctor Cho sighs, pausing, and Steve knows he won't like the following.

“The third product is a psychiatric cocktail. It combines antidepressants and antipsychotics. These medications should normally be combined with an anxiolytic, but instead contain a modified molecule that enhances the state of anxiety. I do not know for what purpose and I would have to consult what effects can be achieved with it, but for that I should speak with some colleagues and I have not dared without speaking with you”

Steve knows from his training during the snap that this medication is provided to patients undergoing psychiatric treatment. It seems that Bucky reached a mentally dangerous point under Hydra's yoke and decided that the risk of suicide was high.

But increasing the state of anxiety, of anguish ... only makes sense if they achieved something with it.

Steve has a theory. he will have to confirm it but he already has his suspicions. Dissociative disorders appear in people who have suffered from overwhelming emotional stress or trauma during childhood, victims of severe abuse. Bucky has been constantly abused for the last 70 years, it would not be strange if to deal with it he had developed a dissociative disorder and Hydra has taken advantage of it, of that other personality that they have created themselves.

Still, Bucky never said anything to him about it.

In Wakanda, when he was awakened from cryostasis without the triggers, Bucky was offered psychological treatment, and he knows that he accepted. He never asked about it because the sessions are supposed to talk about very private things and Steve did not want to make him feel even more uncomfortable, but if he is going to help him he needs all the information.

he wants to be prepared.

“Thank you Doctor Cho. Replicate the first product, it is always good to have a sedative that works on a fast metabolism. And I was wondering ... do you think you could develop the third product but combining it with a powerful anxiolytic?”

There is a little silence but soon the answer comes

"It may take a few weeks, but I think so, Captain. I'm on it”

“Thank you, Dr. Cho. And please don't comment, I don't want to scare anyone yet” _nor do I want them to know that this is in my possession..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone there? a penny for your thoughts


	17. Week 8

“Shuri?“

There is a minuscule pause, but it gives him enough clues to know that Shuri did not expect his call nor does he want to speak to him.

Will Bucky be with her?

"Hello Steve, how are you?" She asks diplomatically.

Steve sighs, he has to do it right to get what he wants. “Bad, Shuri. I found Bucky but he didn't recognize me and ran away from me. He didn't seem himself, you know, like his other personality had taken over ... What was his name?”

“Shit ... Winter is back?” Shuri's voice shows how upset this news has left her “But it doesn't make sense, Steve. Did you hurt him? Was he injured?

I've caught you, princess.

“He was injured in the leg and in his room there were bloody gauzes and used surgical material. Shuri, is fear causing dissociation?”

“Order through pain, Steve. That Hydra sentence for Bucky is a universal truth” he hears Shuri sigh nervously. It doesn't make sense, Steve hasn't hurt him and he's pretty sure he dissociated himself when he pinned him down under his weight.

“Steve ...”

“Don't worry Shuri, I'll find him but I need your help. Send me the medication you gave him in Wakanda, I will not leave my best boy in the lurch ...” Shuri interrupts him, annoyed.

“Steve, do not take it wrong, but I think you are not the most suitable person to help him right now”

Steve's brain goes blank for a moment. "How am I not the most suitable person?" He asks with a mixture of offense and disbelief.

“Look, I'm not going to talk about this with you. I will contact his therapist and we will see what is the best course of action”

“Are you excluding me?” He asks without believing what he hears “Because listen to me well. No person on top of the earth will prevent me from helping Bucky, can you hear me?” Steve says with aplomb that he feels in his bones. That is also a universal truth for him.

"Oh no?" She asks with a sweetness that does not bode well. "And what about Peggy Carter? Did you free your best boy from Hydra's claws when you traveled to the past?“ Steve opens his mouth but closes it, incredulous of the words that reach his ears.

"I'm here now, right?" He asks bitingly but his heart has forgotten to beat for a painful second. The most heartbreaking sacrifice he had to make and that in the end was useless.

“Yes, Steve. You are here, 30 seconds too late but you are here” Shuri's voice is sharp and if he continues to face her he will achieve nothing. So he takes a deep breath and regains control.

“I understand, Shuri, you are not happy with my decision, but if something happens to Buck because he has lost control and represents a danger to himself, I can never forgive myself. And I won't forgive you either. Send me his medication in case I convince him to come back. You know he wants, he's just confused” he asks, almost pleading with her.

“As I said, I will contact his therapist first. Say hi to everyone, Steve”

Shuri hangs up before he can say goodbye. He feels ... humiliated. Despised. He stares at the phone in disbelief for a brief second before throwing it against the wall, filled with anger. Why is Shuri so mad at him? Who does she think she is? he wonders as he walks nervously around the room. Every time he remembers the Winter Soldier file, he gets sick, remembering all the tortures they did to Bucky while he couldn't do anything without giving himself away. He leans his head against the wall and throws a punch of frustration, leaving the mark of his knuckles on the cast.

He breathes deeply, he cannot lose the papers because needs to focus.

Filled with anguish he sits in front of Bucky's computer, an impersonal laptop that Friday has already hacked more than half. Soon he will have access to all the information and hopes to be able to get the necessary clues to find him. Bucky is not someone who quits a job halfway.

Anyway, at least now he knows much more. Shuri is a fierce friend and believes that Steve is to blame for something. Winter is the other personality of Bucky and he is convinced that he is the one who normally treated with Hydra, powered by the pharmacological cocktail that they supplied him.

And that Hydra's assholes named him after his trauma.

They can't be more bastards ...


	18. Week 8

Shuri has been calling Bucky through kimoyo beads and on the phone for three days. She has given up and is leaving messages in the hope of receiving a response, even if it is a sad smiley.

But Shuri was never characterized as being patient and is now worried. She has been discussing the video of the chase with Bucky's therapist and they both think it is a major setback that he did not even attempt to communicate with Steve, who was clearly not trying to harm him. Of course they are aware of all the previous information that is missing, but equally ...

No, it is not a good sign.

They will send the medication to Steve because although he is an arrogant jerk unable to realize his share of guilt in Bucky's state, he at least intends to help. He doesn't want to be given any untested crap and end up even worse than he finds himself, but we'll see if Bucky will actually return to the Stark Tower, if he will return to his old dynamic with Steve.

Shuri doubts it.

But before…

*** *** ***

The phone rings and Sam picks it up quickly, his mind trying to prepare for whatever bad news is to come.

“Sam? I’m Shuri. Is Steve with you?”

“What? No, damn, here it is 4 in the morning. What's wrong?” Asks already sitting up in bed and preparing for action.

“It's about Bucky. I’m trying to locate him but there is no way. Did he call you?”

Sam feels a lump in his throat. Can't Shuri contact him either? “No, he has not called me but the week has not yet passed. He’s not my number one fan, you know ...” he says with a sigh. Now he is more concerned.

“And Steve? How did he find him in Poland? What has he explained to you?” Shuri is totally centered (advantages of being awake) and Sam is still thick but pauses for a moment to think.

“He explained that received a facial recognition alarm through Friday. Why, what is it?” Sam asks confused.

“I don't know, it may not be anything ... but I haven't received any notification of facial recognition and my technology is better than Stark's” the silence extends and Sam doesn't know what to say. Furthermore, his heart shrinks when he thinks of his late friend. Hardly two months have passed since his sacrifice ...

He swallows the lump in his throat and focuses on one thing at a time “Shuri, keep trying to locate him. That he ran away from Rogers like that was not ... not a good sign. He believes that Barnes may be suicidal and I am beginning to think that perhaps he’s right. Facing Hydra without being at 100% capacity is not a very healthy idea, and I have seen the holes in Barnes' belt. He has lost enough weight to think that he has an eating disorder ...”

Shuri believes it too. Bucky told him about the anorexia nervosa he suffered when he managed to escape from Hydra. Between getting used to a solid diet again and feeling guilty for having abandoned his masters, he lost weight quickly and took a few months to recover “I'm going to track him down with everything I have but don't tell Steve. The last conversation we had was not very polite and I don't want him breathing on my neck with his complex of savior”

Sam laughs softly, he knows that feeling and that's why he asked Shuri for help in the first place “By the way, we will send you Bucky's medication as Steve asked, in case he finally returns”

He hopes Barnes decides to lean on his friends to get through this dark swamp he's going through, Sam thinks. “I will keep you informed if he calls me”

“Good night Sam”

“Good evening to you too, princess”

The conversation lasted no more than 5 minutes, but now Sam can't stop thinking about an idea.

And is it not by chance that Steve located Barnes the same day he called him?


	19. Week 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a distressing chapter. Bucky does not stop turning his head with unhealthy thoughts and between depression and the lack of rest and food he reaches erroneous conclusions but they dig deep into his psyche.

When the alarm goes off, Barnes gets a good scare. At first he is unable to know what is going on, and then he remembers the reason for the alarm: call Sam.

He looks at the kimoyo beads as if he had been betrayed and removes the alarm with resentment. He can also observe how Shuri's missed calls and messages accumulate unanswered, but the anger he feels now won't help him to intelligently evade her questions, so he keeps the beads at the bottom of the travel backpack with his increasingly few pertinences. The movements are abrupt and he scratches the dry skin on the back of the hand with the zipper, lifting the skin but not paying attention to it.

For what?

His brain works halfway and being crazy doesn't help either. But hell, even he can add two and two, and Steve's arrival soon after calling Sam is too much of a coincidence.

_Call me every week, please. I won't say anything to anyone but you have to talk to someone or your heart will rot if you keep keeping it inside._

Traitorous bastard, he thinks as he stirs uneasily. The room is getting smaller and smaller and his stomach is twisting with anxiety. He feels a little dizzy until he gags and runs to the toilet.

There is nothing to vomit more than bile and Barnes hates himself for his weakness. Anguish is eating him, and sometimes he wonders if there really is anything left inside him or is it just a hollow shell where all the pain echoes like an echo over and over...

But it ended. Sam is not going to tease him again.

He leaves the bathroom wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. A film of cold sweat covers his skin, but he decisively collects all his junk from the room in which he is staying.

He wraps up in a dark green beanie, scarf and gloves that have seen better times and gets in the car, making the 17-hour drive from Bratislava to Toulouse with a one-stop stop to piss, refuel and buy a pack of chocolate chip cookies that finally settle his stomach.

It is five o'clock in the afternoon but with winter over it is already black night, so he parks and takes advantage of the cold and darkness to cover his face well, aware that his presence is being tracked by various international organizations.

And Steve...

No, he doesn’t want to think about him or why he’s angry. His stomach is shrinking back into a knot and he decides to get down to business with what he's come here to do. He walks half an hour until he reaches a library with Wi-Fi, connects from the outside and for a moment hesitates to see the large number of emails Sam has sent him. Some tips for anxiety, anger, kitten and puppy links, sleeping exercises, easy reminders to eat.

Buck loosens up a bit, some of them look good but he does not doubt that they are tracking the place from which he is accessing the mail, by many programs that he has installed to avoid the location. This email is a risk and a weakness that he is not willing to assume, so he eliminates it and leaves.

He goes back to the car and only stops six hours later in Courgevaux to eat a hamburger and put gas. He will not return to his hotel in Bratislava. Let them keep the money because Barnes' paranoia is working at full capacity, and although the target he was studying is in northern Slovakia, it can be reached in 2 hours by car from Zlín in the Czech Republic. He also finds a cheap old hostel but with a bathtub and he only wants to get into the water and get the cold out of his bones.

When he checks into the hostel they also offer him a small box with personal hygiene items and Bucky marvels when he finds a disposable razor blade among the soap.

He didn't have time to shave before Steve's arrival, and his physical appearance has been filmed. He needs to change his appearance but until now that has been in the background.

He was too tired to pay attention to several things at once ...

But now there is no excuse.

With mechanical movements he enters the rented room, searches it for bugs and hides the important things in the most unlikely places. Only when he feels safe a couple of hours later he allows himself to sit on the bed. He has not rested at all for the last 42 hours and, added to the little that he is sleeping, he feels a significant feeling of heaviness, with a numb body and a mind full of cotton.

And cold. Today it is a feeling that haunts him in bed, in the bathroom, in the car. The cold has coiled in his bones and tendons and has made this body it’s home.

He turns on the tap and checks that the water comes out very hot and allows the bathtub to fill up while he is charging electronic items such as cell phones or computers. Sees that he has three more messages from Shuri and has no stomach to answer. He wants to do it, Shuri is perhaps the closest friend, but he fears he has disappointed her. In addition she survived the snap and during these 5 years it has surely changed. Now she will have other things on her mind, other worries.

He doesn't want to occupy Shuri's time with his shit. He does not want to be a burden to anyone.

In spite of everything, not answering it also fills him with concern because she does not deserve to be ignored ...

It is still a while before the bathtub is completely full, so he sends him a short message with the kimoyo beads saying that he is on a mission and that he will call her in a maximum of two days. He gains some time and his guilt diminishes enough.

He eats a bag of walnuts absentmindedly as he completes the next foray, and half an hour later when he gets into the tub he confirms with pleasure that the water is on fire and that he fits almost entirely.

Lying in the bathtub, with nothing to distract him more than the steam filling each corner of the bathroom and his own exhaustion, he shows special interest in his body.

In his hairy and scarred legs.

In his limp cock, unable to get a boner for years.

In his metal arm. With the wrinkled fingers of the water he chases the scars and ridges of the joint. Now he can remember when it was installed. He does not believe that he can ever forget pain, fear in life. He lost his left arm in the fall and bad luck wanted him not to bleed to death. He really has to be unlucky ...

He sighs, exhausted, and runs a hand through his scruffy beard. No wonder people look at him with disgust.

It doesn't surprise him that Steve doesn't even look at him.

The hair is also straight and dirty, coarse and matted. There is only one reason why he doesn’t cut it: long hair and a metal arm, that’s the nightmare of every person who has belonged to Hydra.

But the metal arm might be enough ...

Nor is it an impulse that he can make at this time. He doesn't think he has the styling skills to do a good job, and a bad haircut is more striking than a man with a ponytail. Also, there is no human way possible for him to approach someone with scissors, and the alternative is to run an electric hair clipper that he doesn't have.

He sighs and sticks his head under the water. Random thoughts keep bouncing off his cotton brain. Like Steve's face as he tried to hold him back. There was determination and outrage in his gaze, but what had he done to deserve his anger?

Barnes doesn't ... he doesn't know what he's done wrong this time. He has done his best, he always tries to do what is best for his friend. He tries very hard and even so it seems that he still fails.

Like when he gave him the bouquet of wildflowers. Steve was red as a tomato but took them, not daring to look him in the eye and quickly going to find a jar to put them, almost as if looking for an excuse to get away.

Oh damn...

Like when he laid his head on his shoulder as they gazed at stars by the lake. Steve stiffened but didn't move a muscle.

Like when he took an extra second on his friend's back, but he never did the same.

He was being rejected, he realizes a full-body shiver and his heart stops for a second.

Damn his blindness, he was making unwanted advances and he's so stupid he didn't even notice. He was flirting with someone who was only fiercely protecting his childhood friend, someone who is too good to embarrass him with rejection, to break the heart of his crazy friend.

Blood has drained from his face and he covers his mouth with wet hands, horrified. Why did he think his friend had stopped being straight? He wonders with shame. What's more, what made him think he had a chance? With this battered and used body, with the brain scrambled and sick.

How stupid he has been, he realizes with visceral fear and immeasurable sorrow.

How ridiculous he has done, he realizes with tears running down his cheeks and an intense, stabbing pain in his chest.

Of course Steve went back in time with Peggy. Barnes thought they were on the same page and they didn't even read the same book.

He feels that he is choking, that there is not enough air in the room and he gasps between sobs. He shrugs his legs and rests his head on his knees, trying to disappear.

Pain runs through him, like a needle piercing the heart and it seems to have no end. Barnes trembles unable to move, stiff and shrunken, his nails digging into the skin of his pimples and tears filling the tub.

Hang out and the water gets cold.

But the sobs do not stop.


	20. Week 9

The cold has settled in his flesh but that is normal, so he gets up from the bath, takes the towel and rubs his skin vigorously.

He checks his body. It is slim but functional. There are no breaks and the leg wound has been properly tended to, with a thick scab on it which means it is healing. A few scratches remain on the legs.

He touches his chest, over his heart, identifying the source of the pain. He puts his palm trying to stop bleeding that he doesn't see, that he doesn't understand, to calm the painful heartbeat. With deep breaths the pain seems to slowly fade, so he turns his attention to the scratches on his shins. The skin has been lifted but there is no open wound. The soap has cleaned up possible dirt and no more time is needed.

He stands naked in front of the sink and cleans the steam mirror. When his reflection returns the cold and inert gaze, he looks at the back of the slim body. There are bruises that are healing, there are no cuts that need suturing, and ultimately all the work is done. Finally, he looks at her face. The eyes are red, which explains the slight stinging. He cools his face to ease discomfort and runs his fingers through the thick, sloppy beard. He must shave it or he won't fit into his mask.

He opens the box of toiletries, takes the foam and the razor blade and starts, but soon it must stop because the razor can't handle such long hair. Not a problem, he grabs his favorite knife, soaps up his beard again, and runs the sharp side shaving off the skin. The finish is impeccable. He cleans the knife and then the razor blade and leaves it in place. He picks up the hair from the sink and throws it down the toilet, as well as the remains of hair from the drain.

He dresses efficiently. The clothing is warm but it lacks the protection of the kevlar and the leather. He is not comfortable with this vulnerability so he takes the weapons out of their hiding places and prepares for a possible but unlikely ambush.

Then he fills the glass he finds in the sink with hot water and looks in his backpack. The jar of soluble coffee is gone but he finds a few sachets of coffee. Good enough.

He sits up in bed and studies the information about Hydra on the computer. Barnes is preparing a dangerous foray, Winter remembers that base well. There is a chair there so more pain awaits him there.

Spread the contents of the duffel bag on the bed, but the Hydra drugs he had found are gone.

Too bad, in this mission those would have gone very well ...


	21. Week 9

Bucky looks at him with fear in his eyes but at the same time there is a certainty, a confidence in Steve that can do nothing but fill his chest with pride. He is hanging from a precarious metal bar 200 meters from a gorge in the Alps, but Bucky hopes to be hoisted by his friend. Instead Steve is terrified because he knows that the metal bar he is holding is not going to last. Bucky is going to fall, fall to a fate worse than death, and Steve can't allow it.

His arm is there, reaching out to grab the confident hand, but his muscles are stiff. He doesn't go any further and Bucky will fall again because Steve couldn't catch him in time.

And there it is, the bar breaks and Buck's eyes reflect disbelief as he falls in slow motion. His scream of terror pierces Steve's eardrums and echoes in his head forever. In front of him his friend's outstretched arm peels from the outside in, like an apple and revealing skin, muscle and bone. The silver metal begins to dig into the remains of the arm from the shoulder as if it were devouring the space left by the flesh. The scream is sharper now but Bucky's face is blank and her eyes are two mirrors. The mouth in a rictus of terror closes little by little to whisper a few words.

_You are my mission._

Steve wakes up sweating, his heart pumping hard and breathing as if he's just run the marathon.

"Captain Rogers, are you awake?" Friday asks softly.

“Yes, yes, give me a second” He runs his hand over his face trying to regain contact with reality. Nightmares are coming back strongly since the encounter with Bucky, and Steve is not so stupid as not to realize the metaphorical simile of the situation. Speaking of the situation, Friday may have information about it.

“Tell me, Friday”

“Captain Rogers, the satellites are already in position. Of the 27 targets located in Europe and the former Soviet Union, 11 have already been shot down or destroyed. Of the 16 remaining locations we have a 24-hour image”

“Thanks, Friday” Steve answers without smiling. It took a lot longer than he expected to decode the information and he's worried, damn it. Bucky has been very smart going for bases outside the American continent. If he wants to be close enough that he can arrive at the moment he has information, he will have to move from the Avengers tower to temporarily settle in Europe with a quinjet.

Yes, the Avengers may not agree very much with that.

Which reminds him …

“Has Sam's phone received more calls from unknown numbers or some type of unusual communication?” Steve asks because he knows about the calls he receives from Bucky but Friday has not notified him of any recently. Not since their encounter.

“Not Captain Rogers, but he has increased contact with Princess Shuri”

That makes Steve raise his head. Not an idiot, Shuri is very attached to her White Wolf and is the only thing she has in common with Sam.

"Do you have access to the conversations and messages?" He asks like a shark smelling blood.

“It's all downloaded, Captain Rogers. Are you also interested in the emails Sam Wilson has been sending to an unknown email?” asks cordially Friday.

Steve smiles “Yes, please. Pass it all to the tablet and do not miss the main objective. The moment you find any trace of Bucky Barnes let me know. Especially if it is in any of the areas with satellite surveillance”

“Yes, Captain Rogers”

Sam hadn't mentioned that he had the mail from Bucky, the bastard. He could have tracked the location every time he went online to check it ... Well, it's not too late and he's not going to sleep anymore, so he decides to send a probe email. A harmless email about blue pills, the ones that seem to collapse spam mail from around the world …

Note the anger bubbling when has immediately notified that the email no longer exists. He grabs the pillow and throws it hard against the wall as he gets out of bed. He can't sit still anymore, he needs to move to get all that frustration out and not for the first time wonders if a punching bag should be installed on his floor ...

"Bucky, come on my friend, I'm trying to help you but you're not making it easy for me ..." he whispers to no one in particular. Neurons are being squeezed trying to locate him. Buck is in trouble, damn it. He can't fail him again …

 _You go? With Peggy?_ He asked in a small voice, between incredulous and ... and ...

And nothing. He made a decision and does not regret it. But he's back for him, only 30 seconds have passed here, damn it. That should count for something, right?

His fist connects to the solid wall and the plaster flakes and falls to the ground in small pieces.

"Shit!" He exclaims in the solitude of his room. He hates, hates feeling powerless. He cannot bear all the times he had to hold back in the past and all the times he has been unable to do anything in the present. This has to change or he's going to go crazy …

He goes to the kitchen full of nervous energy, prepares an infusion and takes a deep breath as he begins to listen to the conversations between Shuri and Sam. Begins to have reason to worry, Shuri is very close to the truth and only his reputation for being honest and upright has saved him.

Wait, the conversation was on the phone, not through Friday. Does Shuri also have a phone line?

"Friday, does Shuri's phone belong to an American company?" It can't be that easy, can it?

“Yes, Captain Rogers”

Too good...

“Do you have access to the telephone numbers to which he has called or sent messages during the last two months?”

“Of course, Captain. I also download it to your tablet”

Steve can't believe it. Shuri is very good at wakandan technology but has totally ignored the phone that she hardly uses.

And there's only one phone he doesn't recognize, Steve realizes.

“Friday, find everything you have on this phone line and track its location”

“The phone is off and without battery. I can not turn it on to locate it for now” answers the AI.

“Well, as soon as you can. All of this has top priority”

“Yes, Captain Rogers”

Steve feels that luck is finally on his side; he has gotten very good information and just needs to be prepared for the moment when it starts to bear fruit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you like it? Leave me a kudo" ^^


	22. Week 9

Sam sighs because there is no easy way to say it, especially with Steve looking at him like it was his fault. "I think I can already say that Barnes has not called and will not call. The email to which he was sending some links with useful information has been removed and is cutting ties with his closest people. That may be because he feels haunted or insecure...”

Steve clears his throat interrupting him “Stalked, unsure, or suicidal. Many think that breaking ties will save family members the pain their loss”

Sam cannot deny this fact and nods.

“It is definitely a bad sign. We need to find him for his own good, but Barnes is very smart. He was off the radar of everyone for two years, and that was when the world was working perfectly. He has it easier to hide from the chaos caused by the decimation and the subsequent resurrection, but we are also at a better point thanks to the technology of Tony”

“Friday is working on it, but considering that he is moving through Europe and the former Soviet Union, I propose to temporarily settle there. If I take a quinjet it should not take me long to go to any crisis zone if necessary”

“I can go with you, Steve” answers Wanda because she is a love.

“No, Wanda. We will need you here, it is a matter of compensation of power and here Captain America is a force of nature” Sam answers. He's thinking about balancing the scales and right now he misses Nat and Tony so much that it's painful.

It's only been two and a half months since their sacrifices ...

“Sam, I think Bruce can compensate Wanda, and you compensate me. With Lang and Clint if necessary you should have no problems...” Steve answers. Wanda is a double-edged sword. She might be suspicious if she reads him, but it's also the best trick to catch Bucky unharmed.

And Bucky has suffered too much already …

“Pepper has given us permission to use his house in Austria, we will be in the heart of Europe. For anything you need we will be in contact. Wanda, as soon as you have the luggage ready, we go”

“Well, sounds like a plan. If you need support, let us know” Sam asks with his soul on the floor. There is nothing more he can do for Barnes, and if the man really needs help, he better get it before it's too late.

*** *** ***

Steve is already in the hangar waiting for Wanda when Sam approaches. Steve frowns at him, he won't say it but the friendship between them has been hurt. Sam has learned that nothing is above Barnes. Nothing and nobody, not even Barnes himself.

“Steve, I have to ask. What are you going to do if you catch it? You can't keep him locked in a cell. You know that, right?”

Steve's eyebrows rise in surprise and disbelief. "What kind of savage do you think I am, Sam?" The pained look of the national icon makes Sam ashamed that he even thought that this man didn't have a plan. Doesn't the song say it, dammit?

“I know man” he replies embarrassed. “Sorry. If it is of any use, I thought I was doing my best, I did not imagine that Barnes could end up in such a precarious situation...”

Steve puts his hand on his shoulder and squeezes carefully. He looks at him with those kicked puppy eyes and the crow's feet don't take away his power at all. "I know, Sam. I really don't blame you for trying to help Bucky. It hurt me that you thought that I ...” Steve pauses and takes a deep breath with his eyes closed. -I know Bucky from a lifetime. We've been flesh and blood, Sam, and it pains me that there are people thinking I don't know him well enough or would willingly hurt him. That's crazy, you know that better than anyone. I told you that he was not one to stop but to help, and although he almost killed me, he returned to me. He will always come back to me, Sam. And I will always come back for him- sentences with aplomb and security that no one should have.

“Because you love him?” Sam asks with a small smile while looking away to observe the sky. He knows Steve won't talk about it face to face.

Suddenly they are interrupted when their phones ring in unison with a priority Friday alarm.

“You are a good man, Sam, and even the best men can make mistakes, including me” he says looking at him, with a sincere face, a more open and confident posture towards Sam. “Can I count on you?” he asks with a shy smile on his face offering his hand.

Sam smiles with pride because that is what Steve Rogers does, bring out the best version of yourself "Of course, you know that" he answers with a strong squeeze. Sam feels that their friendship has been restored as they both run towards the interior of the building. He hopes the crisis that needs the Avengers will be brief because he doesn't want to deal with Rogers, grumpy and angry with the world again...


	23. Week 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another harrowing chapter on drugs, vague mention of possible sexual abuse and some suicidal thoughts. Remember that Barnes is not going to commit suicide in this fic and he will recover because he is a survivor !!! But poor man, he has a hard time T_T

It's seven in the afternoon in Krizkovci, it's night, it's freezing cold and the snow only reaches the ankles. It is a boon to Barnes, who has parked ten miles away and has been sneaking up on the dense forest. He's close to the base and puts on his muzzle, his skin is frozen and he hardly notices the cold mask in contact with his shaved cheeks.

He has decided to attack so early because he is overwhelmed, uneasy and doesn't want them to get used to a schedule of attacks either. This base has been changing security shifts randomly every week so there is no point in delaying it any longer.

He needs to be busy after... after...

Pain pierces his heart like a fine needle and he brings his right hand to his heart, stopping for a moment to breathe.

He blinks when he sees the lights of the complex. It looks like a lone industrial warehouse and he is not sure when he has gotten that close and if he has neglected some camera.

Nor is he going to back down.

Sneaks into the base and starts quietly, he can't afford to be shot with the amount of explosives on him. The moment he's discovered, advances with caution, optimizing resources because he always runs out of ammunition and he doesn't feel strong enough for a prolonged battle. They resist like roaches but panic when Barnes blows up the first charge, they've been stupid enough not to check the places he's been through missing the opportunity to defuse explosives on the cargo pillars.

He lets them flee, his goal is different today. Even so, there are always the dumb brave who believe the propaganda shit and stay to fight for Hydra. This time they're smart enough to ambush the fucking Winter Soldier while he's setting up another explosive charge.

To suppose that he's not going to blow up the place while he is inside is ... well, a lot to suppose.

Barnes knows that one day the end will come and he will welcome it with open arms. It won't be in a bathtub with a razor blade, no. It will be taking to the grave the maximum number of bastards that he remembers.

And he remembers many to the delight of no one. It turns out that when he's not being electrocuted twenty times a week his memory tends to be ... too good.

Too detailed.

He could recognize in a color palette the pink on Steve's cheeks when he gave him the fucking bouquet of flowers.

He could remember the faces of all the doctors who were present at the time his arm was cut off.

He can still hear the sound of the pants zipper being pulled down ...

He presses the detonator and the explosion takes everyone around it, Barnes included, but he is the only one who manages to get up. Everything hurts and feels choking, but more from the impact on the chest and ribs than from the dust and smoke. The mask has a good filter that saves him gas and dust problems.

He hears some groans among the unfortunates who thought he had no balls. Assholes all of them, he is the Winter Soldier.

He gets up carefully, it seems that he has broken some ribs when he has hit a column and is breathing hard. Also he notes blood on the head and face, and with the left-hand touch lightly. He has an open wound and a few more cuts, but none of them look serious, so he picks up some of the fallen soldiers' weapons. Then he notices a sharp pain in the coccyx that leaves him breathless and it takes a few seconds to find a way to move and move forward slowly, the pain eating him.

At least he doesn't see red anymore. The people who screwed him up are paying and he will feel better, at some point he will feel better.

It is almost beautiful the feeling of fulfillment that he has when he executes a mission correctly. The pride of having managed to fuck the bastards responsible for his madness. Recognition even if it's in the form of fear.

At least he will be remembered for something …

Panting he continues down the hall, leaning on the walls when there is no danger of catching his breath. The ribs have not pierced the lung but it's becoming very painful to breathe so he tries to take short light breaths, not fill the lungs, and he is unaware of the trail of blood he is leaving behind every time he leans his head against the wall.

After what seems like hours of limping, he reaches an armored room. He remembers even the disgusting smell of ozone every time he came out of it. Ozone and burnt hair.

And sometimes his own piss …

He limps into the room and sees in the center as if it were a valuable object. A place of honor.

The chair is metal and is padded with rubber on the seat. The clamps are open, almost inviting oblivion …

The energy leaves him step by step, until his knees buckle and he remains on the floor in front of the chair, exhausted and stunned with pain.

It could have been today.

It could have been here.

Why does he keep getting up every morning? Barnes's head is not going to fix by crushing these roaches.

He will continue to be worth zero.

He rubs his hands over his face without realizing that the tears mix with the blood. He does not find meaning in his life. Nothing makes sense. There is no reason for him to walk, to breathe ... just exhaustion and pain.

He hits the chair without too much force with his vibranium arm because he recognizes in tears and with trembling shoulders that life was much easier. That when his memories were electrocuted and burned, so were his feelings, his emotions until he felt practically nothing.

When he was dead inside it was easier to exist than when everything is raw ...

Sitting on the floor and leaning on the chair he has a terrible idea and he knows it, but the temptation is so, so big ...

He struggles to his feet using the chair and rummages through the control panel. It was stupid to think that there could be an instruction manual. The Winter Soldier's scales of resistance were in the fucking red book, but at least he finds a consolation prize.

He sits carefully in front of the chair and checks the tactical vest made by Shuri. It's a wonder, similar to his old uniform that has not even been torn and has protected him from all possible cuts. But he needs his flesh arm so he undoes the buckles and carefully takes it off. On the side and on the skinny torso he has a great bruise, but he checks that there are no cuts or internal injuries.

So he sticks the needle into the vein and injects some of the product into it.


	24. Week 10

All the Avengers have flown to Krizkovci at the time Friday alerted them. It is one of the bases that was on Bucky's list and there has been an explosion that has destroyed part of the building. Friday has filmed the exit of several suspects, but there is no sign of entry or exit of Bucky and that makes anxiety creep under the skin of Steve. Everyone is nervous and expectant, it will take more than 3 hours to arrive in Slovakia, and many things can happen in that time …

Twenty minutes later, Friday informs them of a second explosion. More than half of the building has collapsed when they see the third explosion live, and the dust cloud makes it difficult to see the details clearly, but that means Bucky is pressing the detonator and is therefore still alive.

The journey becomes long and distressing. Steve can't help but nervously run his hands through his hair as he paces the plane uneasily. Sam is biting his nails and Wanda doesn't look away from the screen.

When the dust finally settles they can see what remains of the Hydra complex. Most of the building is destroyed. Friday's sensors have detected no exit movement since the second explosion, and while no one will say it out loud, everyone fears Bucky may be crushed under the rubble.

Steve can feel the cold sweat crawling down his back and in his stomach is a claw pressing and piercing his intestines.

Sam rests a warm hand on his shoulder, supporting him and bringing him to a seat. Steve notices that the ground is moving and his knees are slack. Could his worst nightmare have come true? He looks at Wanda next to him, speaking calmly to him.

“I'm sure it's okay, Steve. Bucky is a resourceful man and also has the serum. I'm sure he's alive”

Steve prays that he is right because he does not know what he is going to do except with the hole in his chest.

*** *** ***

When the ship finally lands, they have a plan and plenty of adrenaline to burn. They run off, looking for the best place to enter. Steve and Sam fly to the part of the building that is still standing while Wanda and Bruce check how far they can remove the ruined blocks without compromising what remains of the structure.

It still takes a long time to find a way to get in, and it's claustrophobic and horrible, crawling down a bloodstained vent and an awkward tilt.

When they reach the heart of the base it is old and cold; reinforced concrete and bare walls, wiring everywhere and fewer bodies than might be expected. The silence is sepulchral, no one seems to be left alive down here.

Friday warns of several armored vans on the way, likely military personnel coming to investigate the explosion or Hydra personnel. They're not even mutually exclusive and Steve doesn't have time to deal with this shit. They concentrate on looking for Bucky, they will take care of the guests when they arrive.

And it won't be pretty.

They finally find cameras and if there is any way to know if Bucky has left or remains here it is to review the recordings. They search for the security room by opening each existing door until they find the armored room with the chair.

The damn, fucking chair.

Steve's heart begins to pound painfully. There is no reason why Bucky would leave the fucking thing standing if he were alive, and anxiety and anguish make him fear the worst even though he rationally knows, he knows he would not let himself be killed.

Right?

Ten minutes later they found the security room and connected the flash drive with the Friday AI to hack all available files. To make matters worse the video circuit of the room with the fucking chair is a closed circuit and Bruce and Sam are still looking for a way to get the images while Steve and Wanda begin to review the first video through the tablet. They watch a door fly off in an explosion and a Hydra agent crashes into the hallway wall; the detonation has shaken even the camera lens. Shortly after, Bucky comes out, limping and leaning against the wall, leaving a trail of blood wherever he touches.

Injured.

He limps forward and touches his back with obvious pain, that does not prevent him from getting into an attack position and continues to kill a couple of agents who still want to try their luck.

He is alive, at least.

In the next video that Bruce has finally found, everyone watches him fall to his knees before the chair, defeated and his shoulders shaking.

He leaves the camera angle and when he appears he unbuttons the tactical jacket so similar to his Winter Soldier outfit. The bruises that appear at the sight are nothing compared to the general anguish caused by his ribs, his vertebrae.

Bucky is consuming himself without anyone being able to stop him. Steve was the one who made the holes in the belt with the knife, seeking to exaggerate the poor condition of his friend to get the help of Sam, from the Avengers.

But he did not imagine this. He can't believe Bucky has reached this point.

And it still gets worse to everyone's dismay. Wanda gasps when she sees him dosing with a practiced naturalness the syringe from a small bottle and injects it into his arm.

Bucky leans her head against the padding of the chair and spends an agonizingly long time seeking comfort from it. In the end he pats longingly before getting up and leaving so fresh as a rose of May and hadn't been through hell.

Wanda covers her mouth with her hand but her eyes shine with unshed tears. Sam rubs his hands over his face, clearly searching for what to say, what to do. Bruce keeps his eyes on the tablet but his gaze is sad and worried.

No one says anything but everyone knows what it means.

Bucky wants to forget. Bucky would rather forget than live with the pain he is suffering now.

Steve goes to the chair and destroys it without hesitation, shield in hand like a guillotine, ripping pieces, breaking cables. He cannot allow Bucky to find a way to make it work. He can't consent to Bucky forgetting about him.

"It was only thirty seconds, you fucking idiot!" He yells at what is left of the chair, but there is nothing else to destroy and he needs to get the anger out of him, the fear.

"Steve ..." Sam's hand is soft on his back, drawing his attention and comforting him. The team looks at him with regret, with compassion.

To him, who was the one who stabbed his heart.

_ And then Barnes, a depressing, silent and shy person, congratulates you with his face distorted and his heart in pieces, and you believe him and think that everything is fine. _

“We have to find him. He is wounded, with a high fever and chest pain, we cannot waste time here” says Steve with a hollow voice that is not recognized. They leave through the hole through which they have entered and when they take off in the jet they search within a radius of a hundred kilometers for any clue, any indication.

Steve's hands tremble with helplessness. He needs to hug Buck, know that he is fine, that he is safe and fed. That there is again trust and love in those beautiful gray eyes.

_Jesus, Buck. Have those thirty seconds really changed everything? When I still feel the same about you after a life?_

_Do you really blame me like that?_


	25. Week 10

They have been searching for about five hours from the air and have found no trace. Neither cars, nor accommodation in hostels and not even in the abandoned buildings they have visited, there is no trace of their presence.

A ghost.

Again.

Steve shifts nervously in the small space. He looks at the screen again and again without success. All of his ideas have been unsuccessful and uncertainty is killing him. Bucky's phone is still off and Friday can't turn it on because Barnes's damn paranoia is as effective as ever and keeps phones and computers without the battery.

Fucking idiot.

“Steve...” There is Sam, the mediator. He's going to tell him to quit for now; waiting for more intelligence, more information, and Steve can't even contest it.

“Steve, we need to get more information, we are flying blind”

“We could go back to the original plan, Steve and I stayed at the Austrian residence and you go back to the United States, but we will need a fast transport. Could you send us a quinjet when you arrive?” asks Wanda. It is the only obvious and sensible solution.

But it's not what Steve wants. He wants to continue the search indefinitely. He wants to sleep in the quinjet, live in it if necessary and he knows that it is a crazy plan and he will not find support for it.

But he can press to follow a couple of hours.

“Let's do a thing, we continue the search for five more hours while Friday continues looking for places where he could be hiding. He is wounded, you have already seen him. We cannot abandon him to his fate”

“Steve, his trail is cold, he was always good at hiding. Let's search for three more hours and then we retire. It will be temporarily, we will look for him again” Sam promises, but at least he has earned an hour more than he expected so he will not complain.

He nods and sits, fiddling with the phone in his hand. He could send you an SMS. Hopefully while he reads them he'll leave the phone on long enough to locate his position.

But... what to tell him? He runs his hand over his face, worried and with a knot in his stomach. Bucky has not wanted to speak to him since his return and that is a difficult truth to digest.

That Steve hasn't heard Buck's voice in 12 years.

**Steve:** Bucky please, I know you're hurt. Come home, please

 **Steve:** Buck pal, I'm Steve. Please let me help you, I know you're hurt

 **Steve:** Bucky? Tell me you're alive please you're killing me

The hours pass and finally they leave Wanda and Steve in Austria. They will return with another quinjet and a few more things that may go well for them. Everyone is tired and discouraged but Steve practically crawls around corners, depressed, upset, and scared. He hasn't even left the phone to pee and hardly eats anything before going to the bedroom. He does not sleep while remembering all the side effects Bucky is going through, to which must be added the wounds themselves.

He is pretty sure it was present at the time the bomb exploded and that can lead to all kinds of internal injuries.

Dammit!

**Steve:** Give me something so I know you're alive please, even if it's calling from a hidden phone

 **Steve:** I'm Stevie, Bucky, we're knife and fork. Until the end of the line, do you remember? Call me please.

 **Steve:** Bucky you are not answering and I begin to think that you have bled out. Call Friday or Sam or whoever but tell us you're alive

 **Steve:** Please Bucky, please

 **Steve:** I don't know if you are reading these sms, I just want you to know that we love you and that we care about you, that you can count on us, with me, for whatever you need

 **Steve:** Bucky please give me a sign pal

He looks at the left hand in which he still has the golden ring. It has never been removed, even when the separation was final and there was nothing to fight for. For what to doubt.

Was it the reason Bucky ran away? Why was Steve still wearing the ring painfully exposing why he left it behind?

Because Steve was so stupid as to get used to wearing it and didn't take it off?

He frowns as he takes it off and looks at it intently. The date on which they were "married" is engraved inside. They never got to sign papers because Steve's cover was fake and made no sense, but he still fondly remembers the time his vows were made, the rings were put on.

How beautiful Peggy was.

How difficult it was to recognize that they had been wrong.

How hurt Bucky was...

**Steve:** Bucky I love you. Come back to me

He looks at the message for several minutes before deleting it. Bucky deserves better than an SMS throwing up his feelings.

And this time he leaves the ring on the table.


	26. Week 10

“Hi Shuri”

“Hey Sam, how are you?”

Sam sighs because he stopped having a personal life two months ago and at the same time five years ago and if he starts thinking about himself, about all his losses, he will be the one who gets depressed so he gets down to business.

“Not very well, Shuri. Have you talked to Barnes in the last two days?” He asks tired.

“No, in fact we are in the Democratic Republic of the Congo on a diplomatic mission but I am waiting” she answers already preparing mentally for the bad news.

“The situation has gotten much worse, Shuri. Steve has taken control of the situation after Barnes deleted the email and stopped calling me. Friday located him at a Hydra base, blowing it up, and for a few hours we feared he had been killed. Fortunately we had the images from the cameras where we can see how he gets out of there alive, but he's very bad, Shuri. Very bad...”

Sam runs his hand over his face. The last few hours have been exhausting “Steve is convinced that he blew up a bomb staying in the area of effect and...” Sam doubts, he doesn't know how to say what follows.

“And what Sam?” Shuri asks anxiously.

“Look, we have the recording. I'd better send them to you but it seems Barnes plans to use one of the Winter Soldier's chairs to forget. I don't know exactly what, if Steve's departure to the past, or the years like Asset, or Steve himself, but it doesn't look good. And then there are ... drugs”

Shuri notices that his stomach twists with fear and anguish “Fuck...”

“Yes, fuck. We've been looking for Barnes ever since because he's wounded, probably from the impact of the bomb. And very thin, Shuri. Very thin...” whispers Sam with a heart shrugged with pity “Do you have any way to locate him? “

Shuri's mind is already going a thousand an hour, thinking, remembering, associating data. The arm has a chip that will only start emitting the moment the White Wolf's heart stops so that Wakanda recovers its cutting-edge technology. He agreed, of course; He was the first who did not want such technology to get into the wrong hands.

But that does not authorize her to locate him against his will...

“Sam, I don't know what I can do from here, I'm not in my laboratory...” she answers with a sigh “As soon as I develop a strategy I will call you, ok?”

“Thanks, Shuri. And watch your mouth if you have to talk to Steve, I've never seen him so scared and worried. He and Wanda temporarily settle in Austria awaiting any signal from Barnes. They are supposed to be best friends but right now it feels like a battle between titans...”

“Rather like the myth of Apollo and Daphne, setting aside the differences...” Shuri answers in a tired voice. Now she has a tactical problem; Wakanda is closer to Europe than the United States but if Rogers settles in Europe she loses the geographical advantage. On the other hand, she doesn’t believe that it’s good for the White Wolf to be with the man who has dismissed him, especially when he has already demonstrated his decision to stay away.

And Rogers, like a hunter after his prey, doesn't realize the damage he can do. He’s not the right person to help his friend because he is the source of Barnes' pain, although neither of them seems to be able to understand it...

Furthermore, she suspects that if Rogers manages to find the White Wolf, he will not bring him to Wakanda to return to his therapist.

The call ends and Shuri keeps turning Steve's selfishness. Isn't he able to understand that if he goes after Bucky, he can only hurt him more? Wasn't it enough to despise him in his face?

True to his word, she receives the images of the White Wolf inside the building. The longing he feels for the forgetfulness that the chair can give him is terrifying, the bruised skin stretching over the vertebrae and ribs.

It’s painful to see him seek comfort from drugs rather than from his friends.

Shuri has excused herself under her brother's puzzled gaze to watch the video, leaving her in the quiet of her room to cry silently.

Because it’s heartbreaking to see how your first love is dying inside.


	27. Week 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning about poor Bucky's bad decisions. Nothing that has not already been mentioned, but be careful!

Barnes wakes up lying on his stomach on a hard mattress that smells musty, covered by each and every blanket he has found in this old abandoned cabin in the woods. He notices that he is simmering because of the fever so he tries to push some of them away, but the pain that runs through his chest and tailbone makes him rethink it.

He is still dressed in tactical clothing, he could not rule out that Hydra found him and now his feet are numb from his boots and the blood stains where he has rested his head are not pretty.

He has managed to drive only thanks to the help of the Hydra magic cocktail but now he pays the consequences. To the pain in the coccyx and ribs he must add the side effects that will leave him screwed the next three days. High fever with the possibility of delusions, dizziness, tachycardia, tremors. Ideal for someone to find him helpless like a puppy ...

In this state, he will not be able to drive anytime soon, so he grabbed everything he needed from the car, including drugs. It is incorporated very carefully, the pain is more intense with some postures but the bladder is about to explode. The fever makes him dizzy and he stumbles toward the bathroom. Bucky is thankful that there is water in the house, probably coming from a well, although lack of electricity is a problem.

And the telephone signal, for which he is grateful. None of his gadgets picks up signal which means he can't be reached and that's just what he needs, he just hopes there's something to read around here that hasn't turned moldy yet because he has a long sabbatical week ahead.

He washes the blood with the help of a soapy towel and before lying on his stomach again he drinks almost a liter of water that he accompanies with some insipid energy bars; he is not hungry but his body is going to need calories to recover. Find a pencil and a small notebook with what looks like shopping lists in terrible handwriting. He doesn't care, for what he needs is enough. It is good to write when the delusions come, he comes up with good ideas and sometimes even he can communicate with Winter.

And although he knows that what he sees is not real, it’s still painful to watch Steve hover over the hood of a World War II jeep in the middle of the bedroom, his eyes shining with amusement and a knowing smile on his lips. "It's a good plan, right?" Asks the mirage in a young, self-assured voice, and Bucky's soul falls to his feet.

He can't stand this shit that his subconscious vomits up. Steve doesn't need him, neither for his brilliant plan nor in his life. He takes one of the unnamed bottles, doses the syringe, and carefully injects it.

The pain fades and a pleasant feeling of peace invades him. Nothing hurts.

Finally nothing hurts.


	28. Week 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are here to suffer in company T_T

Barnes drives half an hour on a dirt road before reaching the asphalt and another half hour on the curvy road until he reaches the nearest town. He enters the supermarket and buys non-perishable food, some items for the medicine cabinet and some polar clothing. Luckily, with the hat, the long hairs and the scarf, he seems like an another citizen being cold.

When he leaves the purchase in the trunk, he sits in the car and turns on the phone. That's when it doesn't stop vibrating, receiving non-stop notifications.

Her heart skips a beat. There are messages from Shuri and also from another unknown person.

Open the SMS and the blood freezes.

**Unknown number:** Bucky please give me a sign pal.

 **Unknown number:** Bucky please, I know you're hurt. Come home, please

 **Unknown number:** Buck pal, this is Steve. Please let me help you, I know you're hurt

 **Unknown number:** Bucky? Tell me you're alive please, you're killing me

A mockery dances on Bucky's lips. _You're killing me_ , says Steve. Clearly they are not killed by the same things...

**Unknown number:** Give me something so I know you're alive please, even if you’re calling from a hidden phone

 **Unknown number:** I'm Stevie, Bucky, we're knife and fork. Until the end of the line, do you remember? Call me please.

A harsh laugh rises up his stomach and leaves his mouth with a shrill sound, the taste bitter as gall. “What guts do you have, Steve. You're killing me, he says” Laughter bounces off in the small space that is the car while the ground seems to have opened at his feet. “You telling me that we are jam and bread. You telling me until the end of the line...” He has trouble breathing while hugging himself without being able to stop laughing, with his ribs still bruised.

“You wondering if I remember...”

Tears accumulate in the corners of the eyes and the laughter has not diminished despite the new pressure on his heart. “What the hell, Steve. You put the end of the line, and it turned out to be a fucking timeline!” he yells at the phone.

“What am I supposed to say? Do you remember all the times we've had each other's backs?”

"Do you remember that it was you who left me behind?"

He senses as if the oxygen in the car is running low and begins to gasp heavily. He grips the wheel tightly, shivering. Tears keep him from seeing anything but he doesn't need it either as memories of that day repeat in his mind.

You’re leaving? With Peggy? He asked in disbelief after hearing the crazy plan from Steve's own lips, which he explained with a detachment that Bucky couldn't quite understand. He had been 5 years dead, but it had been eleven years since Steve promised Peggy a dance aboard the Valkyrie. Eleven fucking years.

What about him? With them?

 _What “them"?_ Remember Barnes again. He never loved you that way, never looked at you more than like a brother. He didn't need you anymore.

_He never needed you..._

He’s not in a position to demand anything from Steve. He owes him nothing. Bucky was the one who always had the need to protect, to help.

The one who needed to feel useful because deep down he knew he was worth nothing...

*** *** ***

He wakes up in bed with his weapons at hand, everything is packed in perfect order around him and the water bottles have been refilled. His brain still feels dull, but the last thing he remembers was running towards the forest, away from the car.

Moving away from Steve's words.

_Let me help you, I know you're hurt_

_You're killing me_

_We're jam and bread. Until the end of the line, do you remember?_

The phrases bounce off the skull, memory too good for his own good.

Shit, the phone! He rummages around, does not know if it is on and is therefore traceable. He has no idea what he did with it but notices the fear curling up in his guts, climbing up his back.

And find the little notebook, scrawled in Cyrillic. He begins to read and sees that all the SMS he received are transcribed, there are even more than he got to read not only from Steve, but also from Shuri. At the end of the SMS the SIM card is attached to the paper with a piece of zeal.

He is in no condition to read them, not now. Not until he's somewhere else, a long way from here. He puts everything in the car and starts while his head keeps spinning and his heart feels crushed. The needle is back, his pain is sharp and intense, and he has to stop the car a few times to get down and breathe while clutching his chest because it looks like he's about to have a heart attack.

Only when he has crossed a couple of borders does he feel safer and calmer, enough to stop at a lost picnic area somewhere in the Slovenian Alps, open a sandwich and grab the little notebook. His stomach twists with nerves and also with morbid anticipation. He doesn't know why he's doing this, it's going to hurt, he's going to feel bad, and he knows it.

But it's Steve and he owes him, for all the times he saved his ass with the Stark and Accords thing. For all the times he embarrassed him with his flirtations and he stoically endured without mocking, without running away.

Because it’s what friends do.

Because he also misses him...

**Unknown number:** Bucky please give me a sign, pal

 **Unknown number:** Do you remember the winter of 38? You made me believe that you had already eaten to give me the whole rations and I believed you. I wouldn't have survived without you

 **Unknown number:** I miss you so much that it's like a physical pain in the chest...

He understands that feeling because he feels the same way. He must be a whole person again, not a ghost made of tatters from his past. He wants to be able to look Steve in the face and congratulate him on his family without feeling like his guts are spilling on the floor.

He wants to be able to put an arm around his shoulders with the ease of a life.

He wants to be able to move on when Steve has to go back in time.

His hands tremble as he writes the message:

_Hi Steve. I'm taking a self-discovery trip ~~to digest a few things~~ but don't worry. Nothing a ~~crackpot~~ pair of semi-stable neurons can't solve with time._

That's. Kid around with your inability to manage feelings and emotions. Make fun of your mental illness, better deal with it this way than with a straitjacket, right?

He checks it several times before sending it out and taking out the battery. The SMS has a hearty, carefree touch, enough to reassure Steve that he can get on with whatever is on his hands.

For example stroking the soft curves of Carter's waist and hips, her open, smooth and willing body clinging to his broad shoulders, perfect nails painted to match her red lips, contrasting with the golden lint on his chest.

His mouth dries, the food feels like an impossible ball to swallow, and he spits it out. The sandwich is just behind, bon appetit to the little animals. At his feet there are only valleys and mountains, the evening sky is a deep blue. He is alone. He is hollow and the pain bounces inside like a thousand pins.

Not far from here he fell from a train and survived, unfortunately for his victims. Unfortunately for everyone ...

He sighs as he runs his hands over his exhausted, defeated face, his heart shattered. He knows that he has to overcome abandonment or he is not going to survive the feelings of his own heart that overflow and spread everywhere, staining everything.

And although everything seems very difficult now, Barnes has an idea of how to do it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In Spanish there is an expression "como uña y carne", which means two persons are very close.  
> I have searched and searched for a good translation and the best I have found is like jam and bread. If you know any better, please tell me. I think I've been putting the literal expression "like nail and flesh/meat" everywhere in previous chapters ...


	29. Week 11

Steve and Wanda are in Mútne, a town that survives thanks to the ski season, with expensive houses with sloping dark tiles, prepared for the snow and cold.

They have split up to cover more ground and are showing Barnes's face everywhere he may have been. Wanda is in the largest cafeteria in town when she receives a text message.

_Hi Wanda, I'm Barnes. Could you meet me one day next week? Don't tell Rogers, please._

Her heart leaps. Here they are, asking for him in the ass of the world and Bucky is the one who is initiating the contact.

She goes looking for Steve to show him the message but he is already running towards her with a surprised face. He also carries the phone in his hands.

"He wrote me!" He says nervously and frowning, his mouth open in disbelief, wondering where the trap is.

Wanda reads the message and discovers that it's ... weird, for lack of a better word. _I'm on a journey of self-discovery but don't worry. Nothing that a couple of semi-stable neurons can't handle with time._

After watching the video of what has happened to him is a blatant lie meant to get rid of Steve, but he has made it his mission in life to find Barnes. Does he really think Captain America is going to loosen up on his goal?

Does he even have any idea how worried they are?

Wanda shows him her message and Steve frowns. They have been sent practically at the same time and it is evident that he has an idea in mind, an idea that does not include his best friend.

“Answer him, Wanda. Tell him that you will meet him” he asks.

After a few hours, Wanda receives a date and a location. It's a Starbucks four metro stops from the Avengers tower. He clearly doesn't know about the change of residence to Austria and Wanda feels sorry for how disconnected he is.

He must be feeling very lonely.

Beside him, Steve emits tension and nervous energy. He's been focusing on locating Barnes more and more and this looks like revenge after a long series of failures. But now she needs to know the most important thing.

"Steve, what are we going to do?" She asks uneasily. She has also not missed the change that he has suffered, and not only physical. He is no longer the calm, dependable, optimistic man with a moral compass the size of Manhattan. This man has shadows and secrets.

And she just doesn't trust his integrity

“Wanda, we're going to catch him. He is not responsible for his actions but if he continues like this he will end up captured by Hydra or worse. He needs help”

Wanda agrees but it is a very vague answer and she is not an idiot.

“Yeah, but how? How do we catch him? What do we do with him next? What if he doesn't want to come?”

Steve looks at her harshly, as if not expecting to be asked for an explanation “We catch him without hurting him and bring him to the Avengers tower. We get him professional help, I have a degree in psychology myself and could help him get through ... what's happening to him. Right now he wouldn't pass a mental capacity trial and you know it. And you don't want to put him through that martyrdom either”

The words are harsh and sharp but Wanda has grasped something akin to guilt. “Do you know what's wrong with him? Why is he like this?” She asks, looking into his eyes.

“I have an idea of what is wrong with him but I would prefer not to say it, Wanda” he answers softer than before but just as elusive. It hurts a bit to know that you are not close enough to be explained what is really going on, as if you were a baby who is not able to face problems or help.

She gives up, she's not a psychologist and clearly Barnes's problem is mental. Maybe it's the years of torture and slavery, as Sam said.

But Wanda is not twelve years old, no. Wanda has been in love and knew the sexual tension between Bucky and Steve because she has two perfectly functional eyes on her face. That Steve doesn't want to talk to her about it is another matter, but she knows there is more here than just (what a joke, “just”) 70 years of brainwashing and murder.

"Where will he settle? Will he be locked up?"

"No, Wanda, I couldn't do that to him" he answers with a hurt look. "He will be in my apartment in the tower, accompanied at all times." I also have his medication”

Wanda sighs before answering the text with Steve's eyes fixed on her.

_Ok. You have me intrigued but I really want to see you. Be careful!_

The answer is sincere and light enough.

And as a reward, she receives a smiley face.

*** *** ***

That night Steve blows off his punching bags, one after another. His mind devises a strategy that allows him to capture Bucky without hurting him and he already imagines him in the tower, in his (their!) apartment, helping him with medication, sharing breakfast and gentle touches. He can almost see the first smile he'll get from those gently arched lips, the shy eyes wrinkled at the corners.

But his heart pumps with anguish and pain every time he remembers the message. Bucky wants to put distance and time between them determined to kill his own heart.

It's not something Steve can afford.


	30. Week 12

Wanda is about to enter the Starbucks when she hears an insistent horn at her side. She turns with little curiosity, has a mission and is nervous, but it is Barnes's face that is inside the motorcycle helmet. He beckons her over and hands her another helmet, which she puts on slowly as he waits patiently.

They have a plan that includes Sam on the rooftops, Steve in the building across the street, and Happy in a car because they all thought he was going to walk into the cafeteria, the very idiots.

Nobody gives the intelligence of Bucky Barnes enough credit, of course.

When he gets on the bike, Bucky drives aggressively but professionally, trying to lose a tail that he doesn't even know if he has. The worst thing is that it is not paranoia if they really persecute you...

When they get off they leave their helmets on the seat of the motorcycle and enter the subway. They don't go fast, more like a casual ride, and it's not until they're inside a wagon that Barnes says a word.

“Sorry, Wanda. I'm sorry for the whole trip but I'm ... I feel insecure. I did not want to risk being tracked in the United States, you know that Hydra's tentacles are long, and those of the CIA too”

Wanda looks at him stunned. The cheekbones are angular and the strong, square jaw is perfectly shaved, with the dimple in the middle of the chin. He's donning plastic-rimmed glasses and his long, styled hair is tied back in a casual ponytail.

He's very thin, sure, but he's neat and clean, and his clothes hide it well enough.

“Hey Bucky. We have missed you” he replies smiling tenderly. She is glad to see him, really. She has been scared after seeing him in action and imagined him in much worse shape.

Bucky smiles shyly “Nah, a girl like you sure is too busy with her time to miss a ... an old man like me” Wanda doesn't waste time. There are exhaustion and hopelessness in that look and she puts his hand on his arm, squeezing gently before speaking. "I always have time to talk to you, Bucky. And not just me. Everyone is worried about you, Steve ...”

She is not prepared for Bucky's contorted face, for raw pain, for fear. It looks like she hit him because he almost staggered before grabbing onto one of the car's columns.

"Don't ... don't talk to me about Steve, please" he asks almost pleadingly with a whisper. They get off at the next stop and enter the first cafeteria they find. Bucky has lost the vigor with which he came, he sits heavily in the chair at the best defensible table in the small place.

And yes, Wanda is worried. They order their coffees and wait for the waitress to disappear before speaking.

"You're scaring me, Bucky ..." Wanda tells him because it's true. He seems miserable and defeated, a couple of whiskeys away from making a very bad decision.

“I want to ask you a favor. I wanted to know if you can ... if you are able to erase or modify memories”

Wanda's mouth opens in amazement. Is she the alternative to the chair? Doesn't he really see no other way to deal with his trauma? She stretches her hands across the table and although Bucky doesn't move at first, he finally finds her with his flesh hand. Wanda can feel things and the emotions in Bucky's heart are a maelstrom of love, despair, and disgust. The shock is so intense that the hairs stand on end of how raw and sensitive everything feels.

Tears come to her eyes from her friend's pain and she takes a deep breath to calm herself. "Don't ask me that, Bucky. I've never done it and I don't know if I can ... or if I should” she answers in a small voice.

“I can't get over it, Wanda. I can't ...” he stops to swallow. There is a lump in your throat. He is not beyond pleading "Please help me," he pleads in a thick voice.

“Bucky, you have lost a lot of weight, you are becoming careless and taking unnecessary risks ... You know that you need psychic and emotional stability and we can help you overcome it!” tries to convince him.

“Then remove him! Delete him from my head! Erase his memory, erase his departure! I don't care if there are holes left, damn it, my whole life is one hole after another! I want to see Steve like any other person, that he stops being the center of my entire universe!”

Jesus, is this all about Steve? Because of his trip to the past? Is he that desolate?

Wanda wipes a falling tear while holding him tightly with her other hand. “You don't know what you're asking me, Bucky. Memories make us who we are and emotions make us human. Without them you would no longer be Bucky Barnes ...”

"I can't go on being ..." Bucky breaks off, his peripheral vision has caught something and he gets up gently but Wanda's hand holds him.

“Bucky please, you need help. Stay with us” he asks desperately knowing that he is leaving.

“You don't understand, I can't get over it. It destroys me and I don't want to be like that; I don't want to be a burden anymore ...” Barnes knows he's losing his train of thought concentrating on getting out of there, clenching his jaw anxiously.

But she gets up and blocks his exit with her small body, scared but determined. “Bucky, you don't know what you're doing. We are your friends and we will act if necessary. I don't want to hurt you...”

As soon as a slight red light flashes on Wanda's fingers, Bucky pulls out a pistol to her horror.

And points his own temple.

“Bucky ...” Wanda is paralyzed by such raw despair but she sees no doubt in the eyes of the man so, so hurt. She covers her hand with her mouth as he walks toward the exit without taking his eye off her. She has no power to stop a bullet at such close range and they both know it.

“Sorry, Wanda. I'm sorry I compromised you. Tell him ... tell him that I ...” He closes his jaw tightly and blinks repeatedly. His eyes are also moist, moist and desperate but that does not stop him and he advances with a firm step towards the exit without anyone stopping him.

Before any Avenger even gets to step on the same block, he has already traveled several kilometers with a second motorcycle that he had prepared.

*** *** ***

Hours later the car continues to devour miles of asphalt while his chest has turned into a black hole. His ears are ringing, his eyes absorb information without reaching the brain. He only has one thing in mind:

He must get the chair to work.

He must get the Winter Soldier manual.


	31. Week 12

Steve's eyes are wild, his jaw clenched, his hands fisted, and his neck tendons taut like bows. His gaze goes from one side to another looking for how it's possible that Bucky has escaped them. He can't believe it.

He lets out a cry of rage and the shield is embedded with force in the wall of the cafeteria but it's not enough. He has to let all that pressure and helplessness out, and the tables and chairs fly around the shop to the dismay of the waiters and the Avengers. He doesn't listen when they call him, when they speak to him. He just needs to get all this frustration out. The plan was perfect, damn it, but of course Bucky knew how to find the holes.

Bucky has escaped through the fingers because of his own arrogance.

He keeps screaming when not a single piece of furniture is left standing, fists pounding the counter without seeing his team shrink from the tantrum, how Sam pulls Wanda out of the mess and talks to the owners.

Tears only fall at the end, when anger gives way to sadness, when energy turns into a dull ache.

They leave, guided by Sam's hands, exhausted and oblivious. The conversation between Bucky and Wanda, who had a mike, repeats in his head over and over again.

_Then remove him! Delete him from my head! Erase his memory, erase his departure! I don't care if there are holes left, damn it, my whole life is one hole after another! I want to see Steve like any other person, that he stops being the center of my entire universe!_

Even when he reaches the Avengers floor, he barely lifts his head in anguish, remembering that he already had everything ready for when they returned with Buck. A toothbrush, a pack of black hair ties, apple-scented shampoo and conditioner.

An extra bed with clean fragrant sheets, and on top of the pillow ... an old Steve T-shirt that he couldn't resist wearing for a quiet couple of hours on the couch.

But Bucky is not here. Buck wants to forget Steve, forget that he has always loved his little punk.

He notices a knot in his stomach, cold sweat on his hands, and a chill running down his back. _Is this what Bucky went through when I told him I was leaving with Peggy?_

“Steve!”

“What?” He yells at Wanda without patience.

Sam is looking at her as if he is throwing a warning in capital letters between the raised eyebrows, the bulging eyes and the straight line of his lips.

“You knew it? Why was Bucky so bad?” She asks him with a voice ... incredulous?

“Yes” he answers with a broken voice. How could he not know? He wonders with a guilt he hadn't felt before.

“Damn it, Steve!! What happened to you?!” Wanda demands with irritation in her eyes and a hand on her heart. She has been holding out until she reaches a private place but some tears still struggle to come out when she remembers the disaster. The mess.

“Wanda …” he warns.

“Steve, I'm not into power games now, you haven't felt his pain” Wanda closes her mouth tightly, her teeth clenched and the fire in her eyes.

“I made a decision and went to the past with Peggy, you all know it”

“And before?”

“Before ... it was complicated, Wanda. We flirted a bit and then came the snap. You died. For 5 years you were dead, you cannot understand the pain ...”

Wanda's gaze turns sour, incandescent “Don't tell me I can't understand what it's like to lose a loved one, Steve. You don't have the exclusivity” she says in a deep voice and damn it, first her twin and then Vision. No, you can't tell Wanda that she doesn't understand…

Steve huffs uneasily. He feels judged and he has done nothing wrong damn it!

“Then I came back because Peggy and I had different visions of what we wanted so we got divorced”

“But you came back with the ring, Steve. I've seen you wear it for a long time”

Steve narrows his eyes. The ring is a subject that he does not want to touch because it produces unpleasant feelings, but Wanda's eyes and the support he has from Sam tell him that it is not a subject that he will be able to hide.

“Yes, I wore it out of habit, I did not think that my happiness could affect him so much” he answers bitterly.

"Are you telling me you were wearing the ring after a divorce?" Sam asks incredulously. “And you want us to believe it was out of habit? I never thought you would take us for idiots...” he answers while shaking his head and crossing his arms over his chest.

"Why else would I take it?" He answers defensively.

“The wedding ring is a symbol with a deep and powerful emotional charge. Wearing the ring after a divorce is a clear symptom of the inability to leave the past behind” Sam says, and Steve feels that it has struck very close to something inside him that he does not want to examine.

"Does Bucky even know that you are divorced?" Wanda asks with genuine curiosity, less fierce than before, but that doesn't stop Steve from feeling defensive.

“Well, no, Wanda. Bucky was too busy running away from me”

“Running from the person who left him? I wonder why...” he answers cynically.

“Wanda ...” Sam interrupts before it becomes a barrage of taunts and Wanda lowers her impertinently tone “Have you at least told him how you feel about him?”

“I didn't want to burden him with my problems, with my expectations. I know it was a very hard blow for him to know that I was going to stay with Peggy in the past, but I thought that ...” Steve knows what he thought. That if all else failed and he returned to him, Bucky would receive him with open arms and a small smile. He's not going to acknowledge that out loud.

Wanda interrupts the train of his thoughts “Steve, he is very bad, he feels deep pain and he is desperate. He asked me to take away his memories of you because he didn't want to be a burden, you understand? Jesus, poor man. He just wanted to be able to live without the memories of what you once were for him”

"Isn't that selfish?" Steve bites.

"Damn Steve, he didn't even ask that about memories with Hydra! All her victims and nightmares! And he only asks that about your memory?” Sam answers exasperated.

“Now is it my fault?”

“I didn't mean that either, but you're not innocent in his emotional state. You could have managed it better! You're the one who had five years to think!” Sam's eyes are hard and the challenge in them pushes buttons on Steve that make him jump.

“To think? To cry, rather! The only two people I've ever loved had died!”He growled at him.

"Five years Steve!" Wanda yells at him. “I killed Vision three months ago! And as we died we were aware that we had failed the world and the people we loved the most!” Now there are tears in Wanda's clear eyes, and pain “We were resurrected three months ago and discovered that the world has moved on without us! Do you think it's easy?” Sam is by her side, hugging her tenderly, but Steve can only take a step back, confused emotions swirling inside him, doubts, guilt and contempt.

"He doesn't blame you," Wanda says with a thick voice from the crying she holds back because she's strong as an oak tree.

The open, vulnerable eyes and the thick parted lip make it clear that no, Steve did not know it and clearly does not think the same.

He knows he's looking for excuses but deep inside, at the core of his heart, he can't help but think it's his fault. That he went on an adventure because it seemed easier to be with Peggy and he loved her too. That there were simpler times. They could have children, a home without the eyes of half the United States on them. And he knew that if his journey didn't go well, he could always go back to Bucky, who has loved him unconditionally since 1933.

"I ... I'm going to ..." Steve doesn't look at Sam or Wanda as he heads toward his apartment with numb limbs and watery eyes.

_He doesn't blame you._

He staggers to his apartment with his head down because of course he doesn't blame Steve. Bucky is his best man. Bucky has always had a generous heart.

Bucky has always been blind as a mole when it comes to Steve Rogers.

His shoulders shake when he walks into the house, his eyes clouded with tears about to spill.

Bucky doesn't blame him, god. He covers his face with his hands and flops to the ground, feeling disgusting at the relief flooding his heart, but that doesn't stop him tears.

Bucky doesn't blame him, which means he blames himself, and that's something Steve wasn't prepared for…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> About time Steve got a good slap from reality!


	32. Week 13

He had to have imagined it.

Even Wanda had noticed it and had told him so. He was getting careless and reckless and now he pays the consequences

A trap. He had been looking for information on the fucking Soldier's red book and bribes and threats had brought him here, a not very well protected Hydra base in Georgia.

He really should have known better with his luck ...

Now he can't run away. Not in the state his leg is in, with several bullets biting into flesh and blood. They have not perforated any arteries but they are not the ones that are going to kill him, they do not need it.

The three large caliber bullets housed in his chest will take care of that. They've punctured his lungs and he's choking on his own blood. Bucky watches the blood bubble through the holes in his suit every time he takes a breath with a mixture of surprise and annoyance.

He is not going to survive this. The certainty feels heavy on his heart, but just as he feels sadness for those he leaves behind, enormous relief comes over him. The pain is over.

It's not that now he is going to throw down his weapons and let himself be killed like a helpless lamb, far from it.

He grabs the mobile phone and turns it on. He only needs a minute to say goodbye to those he loves, give them closure so they don't look for him anymore. So they don't waste any more of the precious time they have left in their lives. He's not worth it.

This is the end of the line.

It's a voice message that he sends, his gloved fingers don't allow him to type and he doesn't think they will give him that long. He takes off his mask becausae needs to be able to speak and breathe with minimal problems. While recording de voicemail, he prepares one last trip with one of Hydra's drugs that will help him take all these motherfuckers with him to hell.

“Shuri, thank you for everything, for your trust and for your generosity. Meeting you has been one of the best things of this century and I ... I feel honored, really. You will always be my favorite princess, you have been like a sister and ... thank you for everything. I would have liked to hug you one more time”

The words are few but sincere. He would have liked to have more time to say goodbye but these bastards don't stop shooting at him and it's distracting.

And Steve's voicemail has yet to be recorded. Jesus ... how can he say goodbye to Steve again? How has his heart held out for so long without having a heart attack? Bad luck, of course. Bad luck and the fucking serum. He wish he had crushed his head in Austria, instead of losing an arm...

“Steve. I ... Jesus, I never thought I would say goodbye to you again but here I am. Sorry. I wish I was a better friend so thank you for putting up with me for so long. You have been the most important person in my life. Goodbye punk”

It's done. The grip on his heart has just been lifted and now the only thing left to do is to sell his life dearly. He finds it poetic that it's the Hydra cocktail that helps him take all these bastards to the grave and a smile appears on his lips. There was a time when he wanted a home with a garden and a white fence. Steve having breakfast on the porch with calm eyes and soft smile, and maybe children. It would not have been easy, nothing in his life has been, but he would have fought for it tooth and nail.

Instead, this is what he gets. Blood, gunpowder and an early death. Long ago they twisted and rebuilt it in violence.

He really should have known better than hope ...

He stands up hesitantly as the pain fades. The weapons are loaded and ready.

Today is the day that Hydra kneels before the Winter Soldier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think?


	33. Week 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter there are mentions of suicide. I warn you just in case!

It was barely dark in Wakanda when Shuri received the message from Barnes. She goes for the cell phone, desperate for news after searching unsuccessfully. Her ethics have not allowed her to track the arm without the consent of the White Wolf and that has forced her to wait and pray to Bastet for her friend's safety.

_Shuri, thank you for everything, for your trust and for your generosity. Meeting you has been one of the best things of this century and I ... I feel honored, really. You will always be my favorite princess, you have been like a sister and ... thank you for everything. I would have liked to hug you one more time_

The words are devastating, loaded with assurance and poise. She recognizes them for hat it is, a farewell. The background sounds are gunshots, and there are many.

But the mobile phone can be located and Shuri wastes no time.

Her brother is not in Wakanda, he is traveling on a diplomatic mission in South America and if she tries to rescue him alone, the only thing she will get is to die stupidly. Tissina, the Dora Milaje that she has as a bodyguard is a fierce protector but Shuri also needs muscle. She's pretty sure Bucky's hoarse voice wasn't due to a lack of water.

Who else is in the palace now suddenly comes to mind, and it seems that Bastet is offering her a gift.

“Great M'Baku, leader of the Jabari tribe, I beg you to help me in this time of need” Shuri asks as soon as the huge man opens the door. M'Baku narrows his eyes suspiciously; Their relationship has changed a lot because he, like T'Challa and Bucky, was disintegrated during the 5 years. Shuri has been the queen of Wakanda during that long and harrowing period and has earned the respect and loyalty of her people.

And it's not the only thing M'Baku has in common with the White Wolf.

He listens to her request without many questions and they soon find themselves taking off in the Wakandan plane with the princess at the wheel.

"I can't believe you're traveling to the palace with the armor," Shuri says to talk. She is nervous and the silence makes her think of all the worst.

“Tradition demands etiquette. We Jabari are guardians of tradition and armor is our traditional costume. It seems that your mission has the blessing of Bastet, princess” he says seriously.

She couldn't agree more because a plan flourishes in her mind that can help the White Wolf. After all, new love drives out old love and M'Baku is, objectively speaking, an attractive guy. Larger than the Captain, with full lips and intelligent eyes, a born leader with a great sense of responsibility and infinite patience.

Almost like Captain Rogers but with a sense of humor.

Shuri says a prayer to the entire pantheon to keep Barnes alive.

The signal takes them all the way to Georgia and they land near what looks like a small industrial estate from which flames rise and small plumes of smoke rise into the night sky. As they advance, they find several corpses: people in black uniforms, bulletproof vests without identifiers and helmets, armed to the teeth. Shuri knows that the White Wolf only hunts agents of Hydra so he doesn't stop for the dead or dying wretches.

It is intimidating to find a place as big as this in total and absolute silence. No gunshots, no alarms, no movement.

Nothing to suggest that someone is alive.

Still they advance cautiously following the signal, Dora Milaje with her spear at the ready and M'Baku with her staff. Shuri carries the duffel bag with some useful junk but also carries the cuffs that she designed herself, alert to any sign of danger.

Minutes go by and the corpses only keep increasing, and as they progress the deaths are more disorderly. Where it once seemed more like an effective raid soon becomes a matter of survival. There are bodies with their throats cut. There are skulls split open by blunt blows.

There is a trail of blood on the ground, a body has been dragged and has left corpses with knives protruding from the chest, from the eyes, from the leg...

And in a corner they find him, sheltered behind a body.

“Bucky! Great Bastet ...” Shuri runs towards him while his company protects them from surprise attacks.

“Bucky? Bucky, can you hear me?” Barnes shows no signs of life. He's limp, his eyes half-open, and he's sitting in a large pool of blood. Shuri is a nervous wreck as she manipulates him by convincing himself that he is alive. The locator that must be activated when the White Wolf's heart stops is still silent and is the only sign for now of its survival. It's white, cold, and splattered with red blood that makes it look even more like a corpse and Shuri's hands are shaking as she opens the now tattered jacket that she has designed herself.

She puts a fist-sized electrostimulator over her heart and, shit, runs her hands over his bony, bleeding sternum; it's shocking how thin he is. He has also been shot into the torso with bullets of various calibers and some blood bubbles explode every time Bucky's lungs struggle for breath.

Shuri gasps, relieved when the electrostimulator finds Barnes's pulse and although it is slow and irregular, it's there.

He is alive.

She wipes unshed tears on her sleeves and stands guard as M'Baku approaches.

“You can be proud of your White Wolf. He has presented battle with an impressive result” he says as he bends down to pick up the inert body delicately. The blood that stains everything does not seem to bother him and he advances with a safe and fast step back to the ship, with Shuri and Tissina protecting the fragile cargo.

Even M'Baku can tell that the White Wolf is wrong. Sunken cheeks, dark circles like welts, and much lighter on his arms than it should be. Even the bones of his sternum and ribs can be seen, as if he had been a prisoner for quite some time. Blood stains the nose and mouth, the eyes do not focus without the stimulation of a light, and the long brown hair is matted with blood.

M'Baku throws a prayer to Hanuman and hopes he survives.

They get on the plane without incident. M'Baku carefully places the bruised body on a stretcher and Shuri lift off for home. When she can put the autopilot on, she launches into first aid, although Tissina and M'Baku have not been idle, gently removing his boots and body armor.

“So the rumors are true, the princess is in love with her White Wolf...” says M'Baku as he helps her undress Barnes.

Shuri snorts derisively. "You're wrong, M'Baku. You have more chances than me with this man...” Shuri says it as a casual comment but is aware that she is letting go of a lot of information, and is also piquing the curiosity of the Jabari leader.

“He is a very dear friend, and a good man with very bad luck” she tells him in a low and tired voice as she connects a replicator of blood in vein. It has only been 3 hours but now that the adrenaline is leaving her, she feels exhausted.

“Why is he so thin? We were both resurrected in Wakanda barely three months ago and he was much better, a smart and balanced warrior” M'Baku is smart and it seems he already had a good impression of the white man.

"Someone he trusted turned his back on him and he's not taking it well," she answers evasively because she knows that Bucky appreciates his privacy.

“The Captain?”

“Yes, the Captain” Shuri has no reason to lie. Not when the egocentric Rogers has left Bucky in this condition.

“I didn't think he was such an idiot as to lose this man's friendship” he answers flatly and Shuri lets out a dry laugh “I know, M'Baku. Neither you nor anyone else, but you see. His loss...”

Shuri tries to clean the blood with sterilized sanitary napkins and marks the wounds with shrapnel; those are the urgent ones. The serum has been working and all of them have stopped bleeding, the platelets have already created the gelatinous clots that will become scabs.

It will still be necessary to remove all the shrapnel, check for internal bleeding, check the vital organs, look for fractures and keep him hydrated and fed. Bastet knows that he needs a lot of the latter.

_How could you abandon yourself so much, Bucky? Now you are nothing more than the reflection of your broken heart…_

*** *** ***

Shuri is in the lab when Barnes wakes up. Despite all the Wakandan technology, he has had to be admitted because of the serious damage he has suffered.

“Hey, hello! How are you White Wolf?”

Bucky looks at her exhausted, his eyes sunken and his lips dry. He looks defeated.

“Shuri...”

“Your therapist is here. I know you're going through a very difficult time, Bucky” Shuri whispers, taking his weak hand.

"You shouldn't have come for me..." he says, unable to look her in the eye. He feels weak, unable to get up again from this blow. From this hatchet.

“Hey, White Wolf, I'll always come for you, do you hear me?“ he says with a smile but from the bottom of her heart.

“I can't anymore. I can't... I give up, Shuri” there are tears on his face, his voice broken when he recognizes his weakness “I don't deserve to live...”

Shuri tears up quickly and she hugs him carefully, putting his face in the crook of her neck. He's suffering so much, there is so much pain in his heart and the worst thing is that he believes it is his fault. Shuri can't tolerate it, she won't allow it.

“Listen, Bucky, my White Wolf. I know that now you think that living is agony. That you don't deserve it and that you are a drag on others. But I only hear depression speak, not Bucky. And I know it seems very difficult now, but you will smile again, you will love again, you will be happy again” Shuri consoles him.

Barnes's shoulders shake and he gasps for air, drowning in grief and pain. "But I want to die, Shuri. I want to die...” his face is an ocean of tears.

“Shhhh, itwill be fine. I swear, I promise you. It will be fine” Shuri's heart cries for her friend's state, but at the same time an iron determination boils inside her.

She will intercede and there will be collateral damage. The world will know her fury.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Better now?


	34. Week 13

The phone rings with a notification and Steve is in no rush to find out who wants something from him. Not after the words he had with Wanda and Sam.

Truths still sting and he's not even comfortable in his own skin.

When he sees that it is a voice message from an unknown number, his heart races. Could it be Bucky?

_Steve. I ... Jesus, I never thought I would say goodbye to you again but here I am. Sorry. I wish I was a better friend so thank you for putting up with me for so long. You have been the most important person in my life. Goodbye punk_

Steve's heart stops. The sound in the background is gunshots, the gurgling in his friend's voice are puddled lungs.

Bucky is dying.

“Friday, you have to locate this phone!”

“In it, Captain Rogers, the phone is still on and the signal is coming from Georgia. In a minute we will have satellite image”

Steve doesn't hesitate to call Sam, irritation is forgotten at the urge to save Buck.

“Sam, Bucky called, he's in Georgia. He's... he's dying, Sam...” the professional voice breaks and Steve closes his eyes tightly as he feels his nose itch from the need to cry.

“What? Do you already have the location?”

“Friday…”

Thank God the AI itself is added to the call to communicate with both of them “The call has been made from Khideshlebi, we already have images of the place”

"We're not going to be in time, Steve." There's anxiety in Sam's voice, and fear.

“Wanda and I will go ahead; from Austria, it is barely three hours. Friday, let Wanda know” he orders as he heads to the helipad where the quinjet is waiting.

“Steve, be careful. Don't go on a suicide mission. If you can't do between the two of you, wait for us” asks Sam, the voice of common sense.

“Sure, Sam” lies and they both know it. Asking Steve Rogers to be sensible when Bucky Barnes is in danger is like asking the river to reverse the current.

“Steve, I mean it. Hydra will most likely want to recapture him. They have no interest in his death”

Steve hangs up but disagrees with that statement, not after the ordeal of destruction that Bucky has carried out these past three months. Wanda's red hair catches his eye, she's waiting for him at the quinjet door and the two of them go into the ship.

Time passes slowly. They're both keeping an eye on satellite imagery and there aren't many changes except for a few flames here and there.

“We'll be on time, Steve. I'm sure” Wanda sentenced with certainty in her eyes. Steve is nervous. His hands are sweating and shaking, the knot in his stomach and throat along with his heart beating at a thousand per hour makes it difficult to breathe, almost like an asthma attack.

Isn't it ironic that it was always Bucky who helped him establish steady breathing when he had one of his asthma attacks?

_I wish I was a better friend, thank you for putting up with me for so long._

He rubs his hands over his face trying not to let the tears that fill his eyelids fall. Bucky was his best friend, the crutch he could always lean on without fear of being judged, it was his right hand. His heart.

How can he be a best friend yet? And why does he think he has not been?

Did Steve make him think that?

Did he make him feel so bad?

And if he dies ...

Steve tries to swallow the lump in his throat. No, he can't think of Bucky dying. He can't go through that again.

But it's said third time lucky...

Wanda's hands rest on his gently "Are you okay, Steve?" She asks with concern in her eyes.

And the dam breaks and Steve can't take it anymore, crying and shaking like a pudding. He hides his face behind his hands and shrinks like he's nothing more than a 50 kg kid again. The air can't hold in his lungs and little gasps escape uncontrollably “What if he's dead, Wanda ?!” He manages to utter his worst nightmare aloud. He survived the train, the snap... but what if he doesn't make it now?

What will happen to Steve without his Bucky to return to?

Slender arms wrap around him and press with warmth and firmness. It's impressive that a body as small as Wanda's can give such good hugs but the fear does not fade. No, it's not fear, it's terror.

Terror of finding the lifeless body of his friend.

_You have been the most important person in my life_

Why was he so stupid? Why did he think he would be better off with Peggy?

What if he never gets a chance to tell Bucky how much he means to him anymore? Oh god ... he can't ... After how bad he's made him feel? Of having left him to go with… with Peggy? As if he wasn't enough for Steve's big ego!

The tears don't stop sprouting and anguish grips his guts. Yes, he really thought Bucky was not enough. Steve wanted it all. He loved them both and in his boundless stupidity and greed, he thought that he would accept and love him even as a decrepit old man, even after a lifetime with someone else.

“Hey, Bucky needs you 100%. You cannot give up now, nor can you think of the worst. We have to get him out of there alive and surely it will not be easy. You said it yourself, remember? Eyes up, stay sharp”

He wipes his face on the handkerchief she offers him and drinks a bottle of water. He must focus, Bucky's life may depend on it. He gets up and goes to the bathroom to freshen up, to focus.

When a few minutes have passed and he has regained his composure and cold blood, he has the need to warn Wanda “You know that whatever happens, I'm not going to wait for the rest of the Avengers, right? I can't afford to leave it in Hydra's hands. Not again” Again... Christ, how many times has he left Bucky?

Wanda looks him in the eyes very seriously “You won't be alone in there, Steve”

Little more than half an hour to go when Friday alerts them of changes in the images. Both can see how a group of three people arrive at the scene in some kind of invisible vehicle and enter the installations. Steve recognizes Wakandan technology, but further recognizes the bearing of the princess's small body and a warrior with a spear at her side. "Can you enlarge the images?" He asks Friday. Indeed she's Shuri with a Dora Milaje, and the big armored guy who follows them with a cane is M'Baku, the leader of the Jabari tribe if he remembers correctly.

“It's Shuri...” he whispers hypnotized before the screen. He feels ... has mixed feelings. On the one hand, he's glad that an ally like her has come so quickly to save his friend. But on the other hand ... on the other hand, he wanted to be there. He wanted to save Bucky, to hold him in his arms. Ending this stupid chase and get a chance to fix it.

He remains alert to the images and when the group leaves the installations, the big guy carries someone in his arms as if it were a delicate load.

It's Bucky, shaved, and without a mask. It does not move and where you see skin there are dark spots of blood. He wears something that emits light on his naked torso and, with the movement, he swings his legs as if he were unconscious.

Or dead.

His blood runs cold in his veins. It can't be, right? The serum was able to keep him alive after falling 200 meters and spending days unconscious in the snow. And Shuri, bless her technology, is the best to keep Barnes alive. She won't let him die, not her White Wolf.

Steve is not proud of the jealousy that blooms in his chest but they cannot keep up with the worry and fear that he feels, which grips his intestines like a pincer.

“Steve, I think he's alive and Wakandan medicine is the most advanced in the world. You will see how he will recover from those injuries” Wanda says with a hopeful little smile.

Steve doesn't hesitate to grab his phone and call Shuri. He needs to hear that he is alive. He needs to know that he will be fine.

But no matter how much he insists, no one takes his call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, Steve begins to recognize what is going on in his mind and heart. In knowing why he also feels guilty if he had acted so well.  
> What do you think? has he suffered enough already?


	35. Week 13

Shuri sighs, tired of the harassment Steve is subjecting him to. She has received about twenty phone calls in the last fifteen minutes and knows she will have to answer at some point, but now she is busy with a more important issue, and deep down she likes to make him suffer a little longer.

It could be called retribution.

He also knows that as soon as she brings up the subject to the White Wolf, it will affect him seriously, but in the end he is the one who has the most to say on the matter.

Shuri is sitting next to the bed with Bucky's hand entwined with hers comforting him. Clearly the man needed comfort after the last few months.

On the other side of the bed is Niara, the therapist who has been handling the Barnes case for the past two (seven?) Years. Shuri is grateful that the trusting relationship they created between the two has been maintained and the conversation is fluid and honest.

Niara agrees that she had never seen him look so bad...

“You know you could have come back, right? You are welcome here” Niara says softly and firmly.

"I ... I thought a little distance and time would help me" Bucky admits with sunken eyes and chapped lips. "I don't know why Steve's decision made me feel so bad. I know I can't ... I can't claim anything, love doesn't work like that” The White Wolf closes his eyes and his lips tremble for a second “But I feel like a black hole has opened at my feet that absorbs everything. He even gave me a panic attack when he came back from the past” he admits with a tearful laugh, aware of the ridiculousness of the situation. “Now ... just thinking about him distressed me. My stomach twists and I feel nauseous. I've had ... eating problems again” At least he's not trying to make excuses or beat around the bush, and the exposition is vaguely reminiscent of a mission report from when he was still the dreaded Winter Soldier.

"Did you enter that building looking for death, White Wolf?" The therapist asks him and he looks away, biting his lower lip. It takes a few minutes to find the words “I entered each and every one of them seeking revenge as well as to prevent them from hurting more people. No one deserves to go through what I went through” She sighs and squeezes Shuri's hand, looking for courage “I also thought that if I died in any of those rounds, it would stop suffering and it would have been worth it. Everything hurts, all the time. I didn't know how to handle it better” he admits exhausted “But yes. I wanted to die”

“Bucky...” Shuri whispers sadly and he looks at her with red and sunken eyes.

“Sorry Shuri, for everything I have put you through and for all the inconvenience I have caused you. I didn't want to disappoint anyone but my life was too much of a burden on my shoulders. I even looked for a way to erase Steve's memories from my memory. I thought that this way I could live without the pain of his loss” Shuri also squeezes his hand and with the other he washes away the tears that fall. Barnes is not much better, with the tip of his nose red and tears sliding down the corner of his eyelids.

“Bucky” Niara interrupts “You have lost a lot of blood and the damage received is very serious. Your body is slow to heal due to severe malnutrition, and anxiety and grief further slow down recovery. You need peace of mind and that is why I would like to keep you sedated for a few days, so that the pain subsides and your body can begin to heal. We will also start with medication and therapy from there, but I have no doubt that you will succeed and you will be able to have a full life” she says with confidence in her eyes.

Shuri squeezes the hand she is holding and looks at him with hope and intensity. "Please, White Wolf. Let us fight some of your battles” begs him.

Bucky quickly looks away from Shuri's eyes "Okay, anyway I have been able to verify that I just can't get out of this hole..." he whispers defeated and it is one more symptom of how bad he is. "But Shuri, would you mind being my contact person?" He asks shyly. "I don't want you to call Steve for anything that has to do with my health. I don't want him to see me in this state...” he whispers, apologetic, embarrassed.

Shuri knows he's humiliated for letting depression consume him, and he doesn't want Steve to blame himself for what he's caused. Poor man with a heart of gold ...

"It's my honor, White Wolf," Shuri says with a smile.

*** *** ***

Bucky is sound asleep from sedatives, anxiolytics and antidepressants when Shuri abandons his warm, callused hand. After all, she has one call (or thirty) to take and she didn't want to upset Bucky any more by doing it in his presence. The door closes behind her silently and she heads to his lab to settle comfortably before taking a new call.

“Hi, Captain Rogers” Shuri answers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brief and maybe a bit repetitive, I know ... T_T


	36. Week 13

"Damn it, Shuri!" Steve complains. He's been calling her for what seems like forever and she hasn't even deigned to pick up the phone until now. "How's Barnes? He is alive? Will he recover?" he asks with concern and anxiety.

"Hi Captain Rogers. Yes, he is alive, barely but alive. He has received a lot of damage and it will take a while for him to recover. Now he's resting"

A trembling sigh escapes from Steve's lips, relieved by the news. "Is he conscious?" Can I talk to him?" Steve asks with his heart fluttering. Bucky is in a safe place with no possibility of fleeing, within easy reach. Steve can finally talk to him and solve his problems. He just wants to see it, explain himself.

Hug him.

"I'm sorry but Bucky can't have visitors and that includes phone calls" the princess answers dryly.  
The heart misses a beat and the stomach twists into a knot. It can't be, right? It can't be that Bucky keeps avoiding him. Is it Shuri's fault? What does she want?

"I request permission to land in Wakanda" Steve answers with adrenaline pumping in his veins, already thinking of ten strategies to see Bucky. He knows that Shuri cannot bar him from Birnin Zana, the capital. She is no longer the queen, luckily for Rogers, and her brother will accept the request as the friend and ally that he is. She knows it too, she's not an idiot.

"My brother is on a diplomatic mission but if you want to enjoy the blessings of Wakanda, you have permission to enter, as long as you remember that the White Wolf cannot receive visits"

"You can't do that, Shuri. I am the closest relative and I have the right to see him, to speak with him. I understand that he needs to rest and I will wait as long as it takes until he regains consciousness" Rogers' voice does not hide the anger he feels.

"Steve" Shuri catches his attention "Bucky is very bad, and I'm not just talking about the injuries. He cannot receive visits by order of his doctor and he agrees. So if you intend to use your time in Wakanda to try to sneak into his room, I ask you now to desist or you will force us to expel you" she says with an unusual seriousness.

"What do you want? You're isolating him!” He accuses her.

"We both know that's not true, Captain. Barnes hasn't wanted to talk to you in months and his wishes will be honored by hook or by crook. No one else will force him to do anything against his wishes, not even you"

Pure outrage is what Steve feels. Outrage at being compared to Hydra's jailers. Anger at the lack of control over the situation "What you are trying is to keep him!"

"What I'm trying to do is repair the damage you've caused, but I suppose you're not even able to see that" Shuri answers with a cutting voice. "Captain Rogers, you've been warned. If you try to sneak in, you will be expelled. I hope I was clear"

Shuri hangs up and the only thing preventing Steve from throwing the phone against the wall of the quinjet is Wanda's eyes on him. Still he runs his hand through his hair, nervous.

*** *** ***

Steve walks tirelessly around his assigned room, restless and pissed off. If his calculations are correct and Bucky occupies the usual room in the palace, he can sneak in at night. He's not going to ask Wanda for help, this is a one-man operation that will work best and Bucky is probably not in a position to move yet, but at least he can talk to him, tell him what he needs.

Ask him if they keep him here against his will.

Bucky's room is guarded by some Dora Milaje but after knocking out the only one who guards the window, he goes into the dimly lit suite.

Shuri is in the bedroom accompanied by two more Dora Milaje, her arms crossed over her chest and her brow furrowed.  
There is no sign of Bucky.

They are expelled from Wakanda the next day, with Bucky's consent to enter signed in his own handwriting. Steve's eyes can barely read what he says, blurred by the tears that threaten to fall on the paper.

"He'll be fine and in time he'll be ready to talk to you, Steve, but it'll be on his terms and conditions, not yours" Shuri had told him. There was no kindness or understanding in his voice, just a sharp warning like a razor's edge.

  
Wanda wisely says nothing as they fly back to Austria.


	37. Week 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I have detected that some of the updates have not reached our email inbox, so it's possible that you have not seen the previous chapter, in case you want to take a look.

They've been back from Wakanda for five days. Wanda notices a profound change in Steve, there is a determination in his eyes that only appears when Bucky Barnes is involved, when Bucky Barnes is in danger. Wanda hopes Steve will remember that the Wakandians are allies, that Shuri is a respected princess in her land and with a brilliant mind.

And most importantly, that she is helping Bucky with the huge baggage he is dragging.

The house in Austria is huge, fully equipped and with enviable mountain views, but still feels claustrophobic. Steve is his only company and he is not in his prime. He spends hours in the gym smashing bags, breaking weights, running until he throws up and silent as the grave. Sometimes she hears him screaming in anger and frustration and gets goosebumps. She has tried to start a conversation on several occasions but realizes that she is getting nowhere, Steve's heart has closed to others as Bucky has closed to the world.

Sometimes she thinks this man is capable of doing something crazy, that his mental and emotional balance has been thrown into the air, but then Steve surprises her with a homemade dinner and an apologetic smile and Wanda lets that pass, thinking that he is just on a losing streak. That he'll get over it as he got over Peggy's death, how he got over Bucky's fading.

She really should have known better. The long absences with the quinjet and the dark circles that started to appear under his eyes should have caught her attention but ... isn't everyone on a losing streak? Wanda really is not who to point to. Vision's eyes, encouraging her to end his life, still appear in her nightmares.

Yes, she knows she's been dodging that thought. That she has tried not to think of him or her brother, not to invite pain and guilt into her heart, but Bucky's state of mind can be taken as a warning and Wanda was never reckless.

She will find a therapist to help her cope with all her losses, nothing is holding them here and so she brings it up to Steve over dinner.

“I think we should go back to America, Steve. The Avengers need us and the world isn't saved by itself” And you're not going to get to talk to Bucky, she doesn't tell him. “Also I'm thinking of taking some therapy. These years have been very difficult and I'm sure that it will help me to deal with ... with all my losses” she says with a soft voice. She hopes that Steve is attentive to her words, that he follows her example, that he recognizes how badly he is going through and how badly he is taking his best friend's silence.

Steve watches her with a tired face but alert eyes. After a minute of silence a small and exhausted smile appears on his lips “Yes, you're right. There are no reasons to stay. Let's go back tomorrow”

Wanda smiles and after dinner, they watch a movie together. And while it's a pretty decent comedy, Steve doesn't smile once.


	38. Week 14

Barnes wakes up slowly and feels heavy and confused. He is not in the room he was in, and mistrust and insecurity creep under his skin although the views of the rugged, snow-filled mountains seen through the glass wall are breathtaking.

And although it's the need to go to the bathroom that has awakened him, his ears pick up soft music on the other side of the closed door and the movement of a chair. He looks around him and checks that he keeps the kimoyo beads on his wrist and on the small table to his right a paper envelope awaits him with his name written in Shuri's handwriting.

So he sits numb on the big bed with thick sheets and reads the letter first.

_Good morning Sleeping Beauty! You will have noticed that you are not in your room. We actually had to move you urgently and now you find yourself in a small apartment in the palace of the Jabari tribe. It may sound strange but M'Baku offered to take you into his custody. Don't worry, everything is fine and you are safe. Niara will be with you for whatever you need._

_For a few days, you will notice a lot of fatigue and desire to sleep. That's what it's all about, you rest to let your body heal. Do not remove the catheter, I know you, and sleep as much as you can; your body is getting the nutrients it needs as it adjusts to the new medication._

_You can call me anytime you want and I hope you do this time!_

He sighs as the concern leaves his skin. He goes to the bathroom and when he comes out he is enraptured by the views. Outside there is a snowstorm, the sky is dark gray but there is still enough light to see how strong gusts of wind blow the pristine flakes. He puts his hand on the glass and it feels cool to the touch, though the temperature in here is perfect for his wakandian-style pants and T-shirt.

There is a knock at the door and he sighs, preparing to face the world “Go ahead” he gives permission, and his heart trembles a little with gratitude knowing that they are respecting his privacy.

“Good afternoon White Wolf” Niara answers from the door of the room. Bucky turns to him and a little dizziness makes her sway a bit. Niara quickly approaches and helps him stabilize even though he doesn't need to.

"Take it easy, you're having some side effects we weren't expecting" Oh, Bucky didn't think to warn them when he regained consciousness.

“Fever, tachycardia, and tremors?” He asks knowing the answer. From the look Niara gives him, she didn't expect that information from him.

“They are not side effects from your medication, but from other drugs that I took in the assault in Georgia” he answers truthfully.

“That was three days ago. How are you feeling?” He sighs and notices some discomfort if he fills his lungs too much, but he's not bad at all despite being shot down “Then I'm over the worst of the side effects. It must not have been pretty, sorry” he answers slightly embarrassed.

“At least we know that we shouldn't recalibrate the medication” Niara answers “but there are things you should know. We got worried when the tremors and tachycardias came on and Shuri had a hard-working job to deal with, so I've stayed in the second bedroom here” she's always straight to the point and Barnes is grateful for that. “M'Baku has asked if he can come to see you sometime. I have already said no while you are asleep, which will be often, but from there you decide”

Barnes nods as his hand covers the big yawn that nearly dislodges his jaw. “M'Baku has always been a suspicious and curious man. He wasn't happy to see me as a refugee in Wakanda but he accepted it and tried to make the most of my knowledge as he could. It's very intelligent on his part and I do not see inconvenience in his visits. I'm sure they will get me out of boredom” he answers more and more tired. The pillow calls out to him and Niara seems to know.

“Well, that will be after you've had a good night's rest but I'll let him know. Good night White Wolf”

"Good night" he answers, getting between the sheets. Sleep demands him fast and hard, and in his rest, there is no Hydra, no war, and no Steve. Just a nice warm dream like a mother's hug.


	39. Week 15

The Avengers are heading on a new mission and in the quinjet the tension can be cut with a knife. Steve notices that everyone have leaden feet around him, of course, but he doesn't try to improve his bad mood. He's sick of the sympathetic looks, the whispers behind him. Fed up with the compassion he arouses in his friends.

He's sick of Buck's nonsense.

Objectively he knows that the more time they spend apart, the more difficult things will be to fix. He is sure that with an afternoon of pizza and beer they could have an open-hearted talk and clarify things, tell him everything he needs to know and move on, together, as they were always meant to be.

But to get to that point Bucky has to be willing to talk, to see him, and between his reluctance and the claws of Shuri who guards him as if it were his treasure, Steve has little chance of getting it in Wakanda.

Not that he is giving up either.

When they arrive in the small town of Montclair the damage is evident. Many civilians are terrified of the large creatures that are raiding the area. 4-meter bipedal crocodiles tear apart brick and wood houses with ease and appear to be leading civilians like sheep into the fold. The Avengers attack quickly but the critters' skin is tough and flaky and they have to adapt their initial strategy.

And that doesn't exactly improve Steve's temperament. He feels disgusted and frustrated; he does not make sense to create these animals, he does not know what kind of person would do something stupid like that and what he hopes to achieve with it, but these animals die if he manages to pierce the tough skin or break the skull and the Avengers manage to break the pincer maneuver with the one that kept civilians trapped.

Citizens run to where indicated but in the distance, he sees someone ready to fight and asking for help. Steve runs up to see if someone is hurt and knocks the animal down with just one hit of his shield on the hard brain. The crocodile falls dead or unconscious, either option seems fine to him, to focus on the scene that is very familiar to him. There is a man half trapped under the rubble of a brick wall. Brown hair is speckled with gray at the temples and his perfectly shaven face is stained with blood, eyes closed and inanimate at the words of ... Jesus, his husband, armed with a road sign and an enormous amount of determination.

"Adrian, please open your eyes, honey" whispers the man with splendid undercut hair, golden tips, and a flawless beard that is whiter than blonde. His blue eyes are watery as Steve gently and quickly brushes away the debris. They finally manage to get him out of the ruined wall but the man does not regain consciousness no matter how much he wipes the gap of blood with shaking hands. "Come on, darling, you're the nurse, I need you to tell me what to do" the man in the expensive suit stained with blood and dust asks in a broken voice. Steve takes off a glove and checks the wounded man's pulse. He feels life under his fingers and for him, that is enough -Friday, bring an ambulance to this point, there is a seriously injured unconscious- he says over the communicator.

“Thanks for your help, Captain” he replies without removing his hands from his injured husband, and Steve marvels at how the wedding ring shines despite so much dust and blood. Something is stirring inside him, deep and confused feelings. Fear, envy, revulsion ... He still has a hard time remembering that public displays of affection between people of the same sex are legal in the here and now. That he shouldn't worry about them getting beaten up, or scandalized for not hiding it better to avoid retaliation.

And a deep and long-forgotten anger bubbles up inside him: that of injustice. This is what he has become? In a product according to his age that the first thing he thinks about a married gay couple is that they should not expose their relationship to the world but hide like rats and pretend that they do not love each other?

As he did?

Has the six years that he spent in the past surrounded by politicians, inspectors and the military only made it worse? Keep quiet so Peggy doesn't have problems and can move up; lower his head so that no one recognizes him and enjoy his well-deserved prize, a home full of love. Not coming out to defend civil rights, apartheid, homosexuals, corruption, abuse of police power ... and in the end, this is what remains of old Steve Rogers?

The vibranium shield flies towards the skulls of the creatures, splitting them like ripe melons. Rage drives him, moves him toward his goals by skewing heads, ripping out jaws with brutal efficiency, allowing him to draw energy from the hatred and self-destruction he feels in his heart.

When did he allow political correctness changes him? Was that what kept his hands idle while Bucky was being tortured during those years?

An hour later the battle is won and they retreat. If the previous silence was tense, this one is deafening. Steve has found that his teammates have given him more and more space to eliminate the creatures, to burn off energy and frustration. His hands ache from wearing the shield, his suit is redder than ever, and the frown has grown more pronounced if that's possible.

Few times has he hated himself as much as today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh! Hello, elephant in the room!


	40. Week 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alert: many spoilers for Black Panther.

“... that's when I decided to support T'Challa and we showed up in the battle against Killmonger. He was not worthy of the throne no matter how much he had conquered it according to tradition, even the Dora Milaje realized it but it was too late. The leader of the frontier tribe had a lot of resentment in his heart and the usurper gave him the revenge he craved. And although King T'Challa got more support than he initially counted, there were more casualties than desirable on both sides”

“T'Challa and Shuri are very quiet about that event, she did not want to worry me even more and took the issue away. To T'Challa ... it seems like a delicate subject, painful even. I do not want to hurt them by raising the topic out of ignorance ...”

“It is understandable, and we can thank Hanuman that Killmonger did not know of your existence in the laboratory. After seeing you in action it would have been a catastrophe that you would have been manipulated to participate in either side”

Bucky closes his eyes for a moment to a chill. This had happened just a week after going into cryogenesis and the trigger words were still in his brain. Even worse, Shuri had them written somewhere "in a safe place" which meant that they could have been found.

“I know you fought for the throne against T'Challa. I'm glad that surrender was an option for you. There is no glory in death, M'Baku, neither for the victor nor for the vanquished. There is only unhealthy pride and pain for those left behind” Little remains of the spark of humor that lit up the White Wolf's tempestuous eyes. His face is serious and pale, although fortunately he has begun to recover physically and there is almost no trace of the dark circles that almost looked like welts. His position is easy against M'Baku, he always gave him the confidence and the opportunity of the first attack making it clear that he does not want to be a threat.

M'Baku is impressed that a man as dangerous as he presents himself so vulnerable. They are both sitting cross-legged on the pillows in the living room, sharing a hot drink and some cocoa sweets. The White Wolf's hands do not wander unconscious, when they are not engaged in the drink they hold on to the ankles, very white in contrast to the black and gold hand that Shuri has given him. M'Baku does not allow his eyes to remain on the prosthesis, he does not like to make the White Wolf uncomfortable but admits that it is a beautiful work of art.

He is man enough to admit that he was wrong about Shuri and has let her know. She has his respect and not only in the scientific section she leads.

M'Baku sees his guest's lips curl into a small smile after tasting the infusion and is proud of his choice. Not everyone likes the spiciness of pepper, but it is a suitable drink in such a cold environment, it revives the blood and warms the body. In fact, he can see how the lips are becoming pinker and pinker and for a moment he remembers how white they looked with the face stained with blood, the eyes half-open and lifeless.

Now he is growing his beard again, shaggy and wild as if by hiding his face he could protect himself from the world “We have an incredible barber, in case you want to solve that bush you call a beard” points out M'Baku as one who does not want the thing. The White Wolf snorts gracefully “Are you implying that I look like a barbarian?” he answers with humor and M'Baku likes that this man knows how to handle irony “We will be traditionalists but not savages. That beard does not have any kind of class” he answers with a smile from ear to ear.

A few thumps distract them, someone is knocking on the door and it cannot be other than Shuri who had already announced that she was on her way. Both men get up, M'Baku taking their arrival as the signal to leave and let them speak quietly.

“Well, let's say I'm a bit lacking in ... motivation. But I don’t rule out your invitation, I don’t want to scare the few visits I have by looking like a caveman” he answers wittily. The chin is lowered a little and the brown hair spills down the sides of the face. He has never seen him with hair so long and soft, a stark contrast to the wild beard and M'Baku wonders how they should feel between his fingers.

“Thank you for the talk and for the cocoa, it has been very generous of you” the White Wolf says goodbye, holding onto the forearm in the traditional Jabari way. M'Baku is impressed that he never forgets something new that he has learned from any of the Wakanda tribes, be it the language, culture, or tradition.

“The pleasure has been mine” M'Baku answers because it’s true. Visiting him breaks with the monotony of his day to day and he also likes to look at those gray and changing eyes. It’s easy to recognize the lines of expression on his face, how they wrinkle at the corner when he is in the mood.

He opens the door and Shuri waits patiently and with a smile “Princess Shuri, I'll leave you with your things” he says goodbye but a funny sparkle in her eyes does not go unnoticed.

“Thank you for your hospitality, great M'Baku” Bucky answers smiling.

He leaves feeling like he's been caught red-handed, but the Jabari people are not ashamed of what they feel or want. After all, it was she who turned his attention to the man with the most beautiful eyes in Wakanda.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bucky is finally healing in Wakanda, step by step


	41. Week 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A wild update has appeared!

"So Niara has moved to another room?" Shuri asks curiously as she gives a good account of the cinnamon sweets she has brought. The White Wolf loves them and she loves to pamper him.

“Yes, a couple of days ago. I imagine that she no longer sees me at risk of committing madness” he admits without looking at her. He doesn't want to see the disappointment on her face.

“Regaining intimacy is good, right? It means progress” she answers animatedly. Barnes knows it's a snail's step, but at least it's forward and not backward...

“It's good, yes. Although I have not started talking about ... who you already know” it hurts to say his name, remember his face.

“Who? Voldemort?“ she asks mischievously and gets a flat look from Barnes.

“You know that I understood that reference, right?” he answers petulantly and makes her smile.

“Well, I like to see that you took advantage of the time with some of the essential works of the last thirty years” she says satisfied and he also smiles pleased.

“I had many lonely nights to catch up. Wait, I don't mean lonely in that sense...” he stumbles on his tongue but Shuri has already put her hand on his.

“And even if it were in that sense, nothing happens, White Wolf. We all love and we all lose at one point or another” she says empathetically “But it seems like you've attracted someone else's attention, huh? You are made a heartbreaker, you cannot be let loose...” she says with humor and Bucky looks at her without knowing what she means. If it has caught the attention of someone else, it is Missfortune.

Shuri sees his confused look and gets frustrated “I'm talking about M'Baku! Oh, you really haven't noticed how he looks at you?” She asks indignantly.

“Ugh... with the eyes? Don't joke about this, Shuri. My heart has already been through a meat grinder”

“Well I'm serious, he's starting to look at you like Rogers. Soon, little hearts will start to come out of his eyes...” she answers, hoping that he realizes that love doesn’t have to end with the Captain, but the anguish on the White Wolf's face tells her that it has been a bad topic to bring up.

"You don't know what you're saying..." he whispers, saddened and with his heart stabbed with pain and bitterness. Barnes is ashamed of the tears that are already struggling to come out and clenches his eyelids tightly. Slender arms surround him in a hug and he rests his head on her shoulder, trying to catch his breath.

“Tell me what's going on with that thick head you have. Sometimes an objective point of view can open new paths for you” she asks in a quiet voice.

“He didn't love me like that, Shuri” he admits swallowing the thick lump in his throat “I confused the signs, he is still straight and I thought that we ... I confused his friendship with something else that was never there” it's hard to admit it, to accept that he drew courage from where there was none to woo Steve and yet he was unable to realize that his flirtation was not well received “Poor man, what a shame that must have felt and how ridiculous I made...” he whispers with a broken voice and a sad smile on the lips.

Shuri's hands, small and delicate, grasp his face and make him lift his head. Her eyes are big and incredulous and she doesn't seem very happy with what she hears "Listen to me, White Wolf. We were all there to watch Captain Rogers kiss the ground you were walking on. The way he looked at you was almost cloying, and there were even bets where we only doubted how long it would take you to start dating. There was not a single person in Wakanda, not even in the Avengers, who doubted about the mutual feelings that you both had, okay?" the seriousness of his face makes him understand that she doesn't tell a single lie and Barnes is paralyzed by the information.

So it wasn't just he who misinterpreted his behavior?

“Shuri, the man was just glad he got his old friend back. I was no longer a weapon of Hydra, my memories returned faster and faster and he had felt alone in this world. Was he too effusive and soft? Maybe, but that doesn't mean that he looked at me with the same eyes that I looked at him with”

Shuri looks at him and bites her tongue. She certainly doesn't know the truth that lives in Steve's heart, but she would bet both hands that it was romantic love. "I don't think so. It was embarrassing for others to see how you hugged each other, always looking for each other's contact. You weren't the only one touch-starving, Bucky; he couldn't get his hands off you either, or your hair”

Barnes sighs because at least he doesn't feel like the stupid who missed something obvious. Steve deceived everyone with his act and whether or not it is true, the truth is that he did not stay with him.

“Also, now we were talking about M'Baku...” answers the princess smiling “What do you think of him? He is tall and handsome, and it seems that you have a lot in common”

Barnes still has bloodshot eyes but he looks at her in scandal “Shuri!”

“What? You do not like him?” She asks trying to scratch more information.

“He is a good man and doesn't deserve to be tormented with your games” he answers evasively.

“But is he handsome or not?” She doesn’t think to give up and Barnes laughs at her insistence.

“He is objectively speaking an attractive man, tall and with a good type. He's also smart, patient, and considerate” Barnes answers because it's true.

"And he also has a better sense of humor than Rogers. He is a good match, really. It would be very ... gratifying to see the Captain's face when he realized that you are together”

“Regardless of that, I'm not like that Shuri”

She looks at him confused.

“I don't know how to explain this but I don't feel attracted to someone until I know the person well and I like how he is. I don't know if I explain myself...”

"You mean you are not sexually attracted to another person unless you feel a deep emotional bond with them?" She smirks at the perplexed look of his friend, who nods slowly.

“Yes, something like that...” there is caution in his words, as if something very complex had been explained in a very simple way and it’s something strange.

“Oh, dear!” Shuri embraces him with renewed empathy “Welcome to the world of demisexuality” she replies, although she pouts “Now I understand why Rogers has hurt you so much. You haven't been in love with anyone else, have you?”

Bucky goes white. He’s not prepared to talk about this but he feels that Shuri has a deep understanding of what is happening to him, so he shakes his head almost speechless.

“Well, forget what I told you about M'Baku but it seems like something important to explain to your therapist. No rush, but know that you are not alone in this lack of sexual attraction at first sight”

Barnes is speechless. He doesn’t know how to bring up the subject of this demisexuality, much less his impotence. He suspects that to fix the latter he will have to talk about everything that happened during his time with Hydra and he has no stomach for it...

"I'll try, really," he promises.

“No hurry. You are here to heal and you will have us here every step of the way”


	42. Week 17

Steve is restless. In his head there is a plan, a very crazy one but with which he can get what he needs. What both of they need.

This plan requires a series of steps. Requirements. Some will depend on fate and although in general terms he feels like a lucky person, he knows that he's pushing his luck. Without Nat's serene and sharp presence, he and the rest of the Avengers are taking shots in the dark when it comes to espionage. In a high skill way, of course, but still shots in the dark. Steve doesn't care as long as he gets all the information he needs on Hydra.

Hydra is a ghost that they need to defeat, or at least weaken as much as possible so that it takes many years for them to become a threat again. Furthermore Hydra is a thorn in the side of many of the Avengers: Wanda and her brother were manipulated by them. Clint knows what Nat went through in the Red Room, a lot of the staff were also from Hydra. Fury and Hill know they were the cause of the downfall of Shield, an organization to which they had dedicated their lives. Steve was the one who discovered that the parasite was infecting Peggy's precious intelligence agency, her legacy.

Bucky...

Bucky.

What to say? How to encompass all that this organization means to him? Between what they did to him, what they forced him to do, and how they have changed him, they have transformed him into a shadow of the man he was.

How hard he has had to fight for every piece of his old self, knowing that he will never be the man he was again.

Steve also doesn't care that he's never the old Bucky again, he likes the man he is now. At least he liked the man he was before he traveled back in time. It's only been four months since then, and seeing the state he's left in breaks his heart. Bucky needs him. Bucky needs him more than ever and he will do whatever it takes, and although it seems crazy (what the hell, it's crazy!) it’s the best idea he has had to get him out of Wakanda, to remove him from the influence of Shuri.

So here he is, arriving at the five-star hotel where T'Challa is staying, sweating like a pig in the sultry heat of Brazil. As King of Wakanda he has initiated a diplomatic rapprochement with various countries and although he is a busy man, he has ten minutes for an old friend.

He sighs in relief as he is greeted by the air conditioning in the hotel reception and not far away familiar faces appear. Steve smiles because he has not seen his friend for years and he realizes from the look he receives that T'Challa was not as aware of the time that had passed for him. Yes, Steve is getting old; he has some gray hair, some fine lines of expression, and he moves in a smoother, more civil manner. Something he had to learn to stay with Peggy without raising suspicions.

“My good Captain, you really have changed” T'Challa greets him with a good handshake. Steve smiles and scratches the back of his neck in shame. “I hope for the better! Instead you are the same. Okoye” Also greet the General with a smile that she corresponds.

“Thank you for receiving me on such short notice, I know you keep a busy schedule” Steve excuses himself but T'Challa smiles and downplays it “Steve, please, we know each other better than that” he answers as they go to a conference room meetings of the hotel itself.

"I'd like you to get something to Bucky. He is in Wakanda and Shuri has informed me that his doctors forbid him to have visits for now” he comments casually. He's not going to mention anything bad about his sister. T'Challa holds Shuri in high regard.

“Yes, I have heard something about the White Wolf. I'm sorry about your friend's condition, Steve. Really a shame...”

T'Challa's eyes are calm and sad. He seems to have little to no idea about the rough edges between him and Shuri, and it suits Steve already.

Steve takes a box out of the plastic bag. It's gift-wrapped, sober blue paper with gold ribbon. He hopes it gets Bucky's attention enough that he opens it up instead of abandoning it in a corner.

“I ... hope this helps him. I'm having a really hard time staying away from him. I don't want him to forget how important he is to me” he answers, lowering his eyes shyly and with a hopeful smile.

“Do you want me to convey those words? “

“No, but ... could you give it to him when you're alone? I don't want to inadvertently embarrass him in public...” Steve plays the best role of the embarrassed lover and doesn't need extra help for the natural blush that blooms on his cheeks.

"It will take me a few days to return but you can count on it" King T'Challa promises with a hand on his shoulder. The conversation drifts to recent Avengers activity and Steve relaxes. The die is cast and now he just needs to trust that everything will go well.


	43. Week 18

“The Jabari built their homes taking advantage of the natural space between the rocks and enlarging it with balconies made with Jabari wood, the trees that have been absorbing vibranium for thousands of years. Only we have learned to mold them with patience and dedication, and in return they offer us strength and warmth” M'Baku's voice is calm and deep. In the background they only hear the icy breeze and their own breathing. Covered in thick furs and their hands warm with a steaming drink, the views from the palace balcony are breathtaking.

"It's very beautiful ..." Barnes barely whispers, unable to take his eyes off the landscape.

The moonlight glows palely on the clouds that do not rise above the peaks of the mountain where the Jabari tribe is located. The ubiquitous snow is a stark contrast to the darkness of the craggy rock, but what is most striking are the lights scattered all over the hillside, sometimes in small geometric shapes, other huddled together in no apparent order. They look like little fireflies covering the ground.

“And it is also a quiet place, White Wolf- he answers with a small smile -You are welcome as long as you respect our customs”

M'Baku's dark eyes are warm and understanding but there is an intensity, a fire in them that evoke great power and confidence. Barnes can't help but remember the conversation he had with Shuri.

_Looks like you've attracted someone else's attention, huh?_

“You honor me with this invitation, great chief Jabari” he answers gratefully and a little shy. Quick-tongued and cunning Bucky Barnes is buried under 70 years of brainwashing and a lack of choices. Only the shadow of who he once was remains. A shadow that is not worth the effort, or the time...

"White Wolf?" M'Baku's voice brings him out of dark thoughts and looks at him. In fact, he has never looked away from his eyes and he fears that he has scared him. He knows what it looks like when those intrusive thoughts go through his mind.

“I'm sorry, sometimes my mind accidentally flies away...” he apologizes. _Look at me, M'Baku. I'm a mess that's not worth it. Realize and don't waste your time..._

“My father also had that look at times. Some warriors who have seen or lived terrible situations too. Don't be sorry, White Wolf. Your presence here is a sign of your resilience. You are a survivor seeking a new path in life, and that honors you”

Barnes looks at him in poorly disguised amazement and takes a sip of the hot drink to hide a small smile.

“Thank you”

The dark but vibrant moonlight sky is limited only by the horizon. They are on one of the highest peaks of the mountain and here, without light pollution, they see each and every one of the stars twinkling like tiny diamonds. Barnes points to a constellation, Ursa Major “Do you have a different name for the 88 constellations?” he asks M'Baku.

"Wow, so you're an astronomy nerd, huh?" Barnes's eyes go wide and laughter escapes from his chest. M'Baku joins him, glad to see sadness slowly leave the beautiful eyes of his guest.

"I'm not going to deny it" Barnes answers humorously, the smile on his lips. Yes, young Bucky Barnes was passionate about science. Sergeant Barnes used this knowledge more than once during the war, but the Winter Soldier was also guided by the stars on solo missions.

“Let me dazzle you on my beloved yellow supergiant Polaris, which we call The Earring of the Sun. If you want then I'll enlighten you on what you know as the Ursa Major, clearly overrated and with a need to shine worthy of a diva...” he answers the man with the thick lips in a smug, humorous smile.

Barnes smile grows and replies "Will you bring out all your knowledge about luminous blue dwarfs too?"

“Your question radiates disbelief”

“In contrast, your eyes sparkle with a challenge...”

M'Baku laughs loudly. He's very fond of word games and the White Wolf is tracking him well enough “My eyes are flaming?”

"They're refulgent" he answers with a silly laugh. In this competition of synonyms, his host is beating him, but he's having a good time.

In two days he will return to Birnin Zana, the capital of Wakanda and home to the royal family. His rooms are ready and Shuri awaits him with open arms. He misses her, of course he does, but Shuri ... she's a kid. Barnes notices the age difference in what matters and while that doesn't take an ounce of the love he feels for that restless brainiac, M'Baku is a more mature company with whom he has some things in common.

And the guy has a great sense of humor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you know "In cayenne and honey, in vinegar and lime" by alby_mangroves and Nonymos?  
> If you like M'Buky, it's a MUST


	44. Week 19

The Avengers have been thoroughly destroying Hydra's infrastructure for weeks. The biggest threats have been dismantled and although some of the most notable heads have managed to flee, they don't pose a threat in the short term.

The Avengers have been thoroughly destroying Hydra's infrastructure for weeks. The biggest threats have been dismantled and although some of the most notable heads have managed to flee, they do not pose a threat in the short term.

Sadly with Tony's latest sacrifice some of the dangers that had been disintegrated five years ago have returned, like Zemo and Dr. Doom. The latter is giving quite a bit of headaches, between the fortress in which he hides, the diplomatic favors he's getting and an economic base that seems impossible to trace. He is becoming contained and discreet in his actions, and if they did not know him better, they would think that his ego has been affected by having been one of the decimated.

But it's Zemo who worries Steve the most.

He has disappeared from the map and there is no way to find him. And just as Dr. Doom's huge ego will lead him to do blatant and potentially destructive large-scale follies against national security, industrial espionage, or the destruction of what might be supposed to be the competition regardless of collateral casualties, Steve fears the stealth and malice of Baron Zemo; he fears the ability to get under the Avengers' skin, especially his and Bucky's.

Steve lifts his head and looks at his team, all covered in dust, soot and more than one bruise. The quinjet takes them to the Avengers complex where a well-deserved rest awaits them after having fought like lions against the doombots or as the disturbed one has now baptized his robotic offspring.

He hopes that at least it is clear to him that allying with Hydra is not profitable.

Clint lifts his head and looks at him with a smile. He has some charred locks but he looks happy with his contribution to the common good. Retirement is doing him wonderfully after the great depression he went through during the decimation. Luckily now he has the family to help him get over the death of his best friend.

And he continues to trust Captain America's leadership.

Steve smiles at him, happy for him and satisfied with a well-executed mission as the archer's attention returns to the loudest part of the quinjet.

Peter Parker never shuts up. The boy has been another of the victims of the decimation but because of the energy and illusion that he gives off, nobody would say it. He's a good boy, Steve knows that. His heart is in the right place, he has enormous strength and good reflexes. He makes Sam smile and everyone feels comfortable and protective around him, like he's the team mascot.

Steve briefly imagines Bucky as part of the Avengers, dealing with Peter's recklessness, rolling his eyes and smiling at the end of the mission.

He feels a pang of longing in his heart and sighs in exhaustion. He can't wait to get back together, friendship and trust flowing from them again with arms on their shoulders and constant taunts.

He can't stand the silent treatment he's giving him and would prefer a million times blaming and yelling, like during World War II every time he did something reckless or stupid.

He wonders briefly if he has already opened his gift.

He closes his eyes for a moment to restructure the mental flowchart he has on Hydra and his associates. The time is drawing near and soon he will have to make his move, and if they fails to catch Zemo sooner, he will at least try to execute the plan without giving the sociopath time to get his dirty hands and profit.

But yeah, Hydra is ripe for the picking.


	45. Week 19

Bucky is curled up on the sofa in his assigned rooms in the palace, a small apartment with all the comforts and incredible views of the goddess Bastet carved into the rock of the mountain. They are breathtaking views every time, but not today. All his attention is focused on the gift T'Challa has given him from Steve.

The gift, wrapped in dark blue and with a sparkling gold bow, rests beside him on the sofa. He's been looking at it for an hour now, deciding whether to open it or not.

_Damn it Steve, you couldn't have chosen a worse time._

Today he is ... exhausted, emotionally squeezed and everything is raw, everything feels on the surface. It has been a long session, practically all morning just because Niara did not want to leave this topic halfway. She didn't want to cut Barnes while talking about the love he's always had for Steve. Of the resignation with which he grew up, knowing that a man like him would have no shortage of suitors.

Outrage when the girls didn't even give her a chance and a dark joy because it kept him by his side.

Fear, when his health improved and his size attracted the attention of all (and everyone). Would he be cast aside as useless now that his role no longer made sense?

Gratitude for making him his right hand, for strengthening their friendship instead of discarding it.

_No! Not without you!_ he remembers crying out with tears in his eyes and fear devouring his gut at the thought that Steve, his Steve, was content to have saved him and surrendered to certain death. No, he was not going to die alone, he would never have allowed that.

And the burning, bitter jealousy when he saw the gazes that crossed between him and Carter? Barnes knows he should have been happy for his friend, but he was only human, and while the tremendous loyalty he displayed may at one time have seemed otherwise, he knew better.

That's why his change in attitude was so disconcerting when Barnes finally had a corner in Wakanda to lick the wounds. It was subtle and sweet and wonderful, and that was precisely why he couldn't believe it. Hope grew in his chest, was Steve really starting to look at him more than as a friend?

And here's the thing. The truth is not the same for everyone but is full of subjectivities that deceive the heart and cloud the mind. In the end, as Niara has said, the important thing is not whether Steve was flirting with Bucky or not. The important thing is how Bucky felt about it and how it affected him when he thought he had been left behind.

Emotional dependency, his therapist had said. The low self-esteem, the fear of loneliness and the serious psychological disorders that had caused him the years of slavery in Hydra had changed the focus of his need for approval, for affection.

And now he is putting off what will undoubtedly be a moment of heartbreak. At least anxiety is a deep-seated discomfort that doesn't choke him or feel like throwing up, but it makes him dizzy to think of all the possibilities the contents of the damn package in front of him leave open and what Steve means by it.

Schrödinger's fucking gift.

The alarm goes off and Barnes sighs, it's time for dinner and the accompanying medication. He makes the decision, after dinner and a little infusion to calm the nerves he will open the gift.

He is in a safe place and has friends who love him, who will support him in whatever decision he makes. He is working very hard to put the depression behind him and in almost two months he has made significant progress. Maybe it's the serum. Maybe it's the medication even though you prefer to believe it's the company. He smiles as he thinks of Shuri and M'Baku, T'Challa, Nakia and Okoye; in the village children (his children!) who have already asked Shuri when he is coming back.

The Barnes that he's now strives to keep a calm heart to accept what cannot change, and a spirit full of courage for those that need to change. He is not the same sad and lost man from almost two months ago, and he can deal with this.

*** *** ***

_Dear Bucky._

_Before you turn this letter into trash, I want to apologize. I know I have hurt you in ways that I don't even understand. That you have felt abandoned and confused._

_That I have separated you from my side in a very difficult moment for you._

_~~It has also been one of the hardest things I have ever had~~ _

_~~I know we barely spoke when you came back, I stayed distant knowing it was causing you distress~~ _

_~~For me it was five long, bitter and lonely~~ _

_I would like to explain myself but I know that is not what you need. You need time and space. You need me to get away from you._

_You don't want me in your life and even though a part of me understands it, I can't get you out of my thoughts. Jesus, Bucky. You have always been there for me and only now do I realize how selfish I am. Now that you ask me for distance and I feel alone and incapable without you by my side._

_We were thick as thieves and if I have been able to trust something in this life, it was you, even when I had nothing. When I was nobody._

_But sometimes you don't realize what you have until you lose it._

_I ... I don't know how to regain your confidence but I don't know what to do without you either. If divorce has taught me anything, it's that sometimes the people you love get hurt to the point where there's no turning back, and that's why I have to try, Bucky. I have to respect your limits and give you the time you need to recover. And maybe one day you'll forgive me for being a pathetic selfish man ~~who was too scared to see you die a third time.~~_

_I miss you. And that's why I think ... that maybe you too. May you find the old days missing, easy smiles and the certainty that the person to whom you explain the first crazy idea that comes to mind understands you. Who cleans your wounds in mock exasperation because he knows you did the right thing. Who takes care of your back and seeks your well-being above his own, even if the other was too stupid to notice._

_And that's the thing, Bucky; I clearly took all the stupidity with me and need someone to share it with._

_The phone does not have a locator but if you ever want to call or text me, I would be honored. I don’t want to lose you._

_~~I can't even begin to describe the horror that I felt~~ _

_~~I need to hear your voice~~ _

_Forgive me for being stupid._

Bucky drops the beautiful blue paper to the floor as he looks at the phone case he has given him. The first thing that stands out is the drawing, of course. The phone has been hand-painted and the reverse shows a white wolf with a black paw. It is an almost childish drawing but it matches the yellow moon shining in the blue sky and the white star with a smiley face and pink cheeks.

His eyes sting from the tears that accumulate as he rereads the letter. He doesn't even know where to start analyzing it. Divorce? The strike-through? The double meaning words?

The certainty in his heart that Steve is not wrong? Of course he's right, he misses him like a dull ache. Like a phantom limb, which sometimes gives the impression that it is still there.

But it has been Barnes' decision to step back and stop suffering, to learn to live without him, without his constant approval or fear that he will turn his back on him. He is learning to be a whole person himself, a functional and independent person without being lonely.

A balanced person.

And that is precisely why he wants to detach himself from the feeling of betrayal and abandonment that he suffers when he sees Steve. All the love and devotion he feels but is useless.

All the disgust that drowns him out when he thinks of Steve with Peggy.

All the bitterness and fear that invades him when he thinks of his own misery.

Bucky doesn't want to lose Steve's friendship but for that, he first needs to heal. He needs to prioritize himself to learn to maintain his friendship properly, so as not to get stuck in an asymmetric and dysfunctional affectionate relationship. Cultivating self-love, self-esteem, and knowing himself is the key, as his therapist likes to repeat.

So Barnes is unwilling to voluntarily step back on the rugged path of healing the mind and heart. He swallows the thick knot around his neck and after rereading the letter two more times, he folds the paper and puts it on the nightstand along with the phone. He washes his face and sends a message to Shuri while he prepares some snacks to go.

**White Wolf:** Hi Shuri, I was thinking of going out for a walk

**White Wolf:** Will you join me?

**Shuri:** Of course! Pick me up in half an hour

Barnes smiles. Bastet bless this restless ass princess.


	46. Week 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In today's chapter appears the National Socialist Movement. It exists and is one of the most widespread in the United States, where it is legal to demonstrate against population groups based on their color, culture, religion, etc. I have based on this article (in Spanish):  
> https://www.bbc.com/mundo/noticias-internacional-40944269  
> Simply horrible.

Alamosa is a Colorado town with a very old Hydra facilities. Sadly, these facilities are active thanks to Reese Bennett, an intelligent and ambitious man who has managed to manipulate the greed of hate groups throughout the state of Colorado and much of the neighboring states. Bennett is a charismatic man who wields My Struggle as if it were the bible and has been crowned the undisputed leader of the National Socialist Movement of the entire southern United States.

Nazis. Damn fucking Nazis.

He is not only dedicated to organizing demonstrations against blacks, Jews, homosexuals and everything that is different from his aryan utopia, no. The bastard has a criminal mind that he uses to, among other things, traffic in weapons and designs shotgun raids against immigrants who try to enter through the many borders of Mexico. There are signs (though no evidence) of the capture and enslavement of many of the women who reach their claws as well as organizing hunting sports.

Human hunting.

Sons of bitches.

It's not a job for the Avengers, really. They're supposed to be for bigger things like aliens, mad scientists, and disasters of apocalyptic proportions, but this man who is now one of the heads of Hydra meets the requirements Steve needs for his plan.

So here he is, about to storm the base armed with his shield, alone and ready to kick some asses. His motorcycle is poorly hidden not far away, he knows he will not need it anytime soon but the quinjet is safe, hidden many miles from here.

He breaks the entry camera and busts the lock on the door. He has no doubt that he has already drawn attention to himself, but he advances with confidence and poise, getting rid of the little losers who are trying to stop him.

You would think that they should have already learned that the shield can be used to bounce bullets, but no. They fall victim to their own weapons over and over again, at the same time the surprise and reverence for Captain America (I am not going to shoot the guy who resurrected my children!) causes chaos among their ranks.

Most of these jerks have little military training and Steve takes advantage of it, getting into the bowels of the facilities.

He has honestly had harder workouts than this...

At last it seems that they coordinate to stop him and a group of antiriot squad supported by marksmen confronts him, led by Bennett and his hunting rifle.

The fight becomes fierce at the moment in which more than ten men launch themselves at the same time as a crowd. Steve fights and throws the shield against helmets and shields, but _unfortunately_ the shield digs into the concrete of the wall near Bennett's head and Steve loses a great tactical advantage when men with submachine guns, pistols and rifles of all types and colors surround him yelling at him to surrender.

It is not difficult, he is buried under at least twelve men in armor who beat him and kick him viciously, and once they keep him immobilized on the ground they seize him from behind with... rope and handcuffs. They are certainly not prepared to deal with an enhanced soldier...

They put him on his knees before their leader while they aim him and Steve notices how his nose is bleeding and his face is bruised, but he makes sure to look into the eyes of the fascist in front of him who is already visibly calculating how much does the butt of America cost, and everything he can achieve with it.

“I'm disappointed, Captain. Without backing and without your shield it's clear that you are nobody...”

Steve makes sure to put some drama on his part and spits blood on his shoes. "You are nothing more than today's pastime, you fucking Nazis ..." he answers, his eyes gleaming with ill-mastered fury.

"That arrogance is going to cost you very soon," he answers with a crooked and arrogant smile. "Put him in the thickest cell we have and teach him education," he orders as he leaves with a confident step. He only needs to jump for joy.

Steve is dragged through corridors, but the horror and outrage of some of the supremacists who recognize him is not lost on him. It should not be easy to know that the national icon you idolize is fighting what you believe...

They tie him to chains on the ceiling and take turns beating him in order to make him tamer. In time even a drop of water can pierce the rock, but Steve hopes Bennett's impatience shows sooner rather than later.

A few hours later he receives a visit from the little guy who inevitably starts talking up his nose about his moral code, the damage that immigration is doing to America (the guy does not know that he is the son of Irish immigrants?), and the punishment that waits for having dared to assault them.

“I'm sure that many people will pay to have a vial of your blood. The shield of vibranium can also fetch a succulent price but...” Steve does not let him continue with the dissertation.

“As soon as they find out the Avengers will rescue me. Do you hear me? The Winter Soldier will make you mincemeat!”

It's nice to see the idea settle into that greedy little brain and instead of freaking out he gloats, doing numbers on what anyone would pay for Hydra's old asset.

"Oh, but the Winter Soldier won't be able to resist, right? His old childhood friend, the man who has saved him countless times. His debt to you must be enormous...”

“No! I will never tell you the activation words!” Steve barks in anger as he tries without much success to get rid of the chains that keep him hanging.

“We'll see, Captain. We'll see” the man says goodbye while rubbing his hands.

Steve knows this man's ambition will be his downfall but for now, he can only wait.

The bait is in the trap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, what do you think? What's happening?


	47. Week 21

Barnes doesn't expect visitors so he's a bit surprised when Shuri shows up at his door, restless and with a cell phone in hand. Tissina stays behind and the stoic gaze of Dora Milaje doesn't let any emotion filter through, which in itself isn't a good sign either.

He does not hesitate to make them pass while anguish grips his stomach. Something is happening, he knows.

“White Wolf, I have Falcon on the phone. First of all, I want you to breathe and stay calm, okay?” Barnes notices how the blood runs from his face. Something very bad has happened and it is related to Steve, so he sits in the chair that Shuri takes out for him and focuses on the phone that he leaves on the table.

“Wilson? We are ready” Shuri answers as she tightly grasps Bucky's hand.

“Barnes, Steve has been captured. The idiot left alone and without notifying anyone for an active Hydra cell. They have contacted us and are asking for a ransom. They specifically demand that you be the one to carry the rescue...” Barnes's stomach sinks. He knew Steve was reckless, but this? Why?

"Do we ... do we know if he's alive?" Barnes asks, his mouth dry and his heart pounding. He feels guilty for not being there to look at his six, and although he knows that it is not his fucking responsibility, the heart is a double-edged sword that is not so easily convinced.

“Yes, they sent a video; He looked pretty bruised...” Wilson answers with concern. Shuri plays the video on her kimoyo beads and Bucky can see it hanging from chains from the ceiling. He is barely standing and his face is bruised. He seems too still even though he is awake, as if the damage received is significant or he is drugged.

Holy shit, of course they do. Hydra has the drugs to incapacitate an enhanced soldier, they created them!

"What are their terms?" He asks dejectedly, running a nervous hand through his hair. Jesus, this shouldn't be happening. What the hell, Steve?!

“The usual, an obscene amount of money, updated files with information and that it is the Winter Soldier who delivers it. Do you think...?” Wilson leaves the question in the air.

“Yes, they think the trigger words are still in my mind and they will be able to keep the entire batch of two super soldiers laden with gifts. That gives us an advantage ”Barnes answers harshly.

"Right, so we just need a plan. The delivery has to be done tomorrow, they don't want to give us time to react” answers Wilson on the other side. Sam has obtained the location of the quinjet in Colorado and also the motorcycle, in California. That definitely doesn't make things easier.

“I will help you in what I can” sentence Shuri full of resolution. Barnes smiles briefly and gives an affectionate squeeze to the hand that she hasn't let go of for a second, but although she is a little genius, she’s not an expert strategist and has a responsibility to her people. She must stay and Wakanda needs to stay out of it so as not to start any diplomatic crisis now that America is so ... touchy. The political climate is very murky and sensitive thanks to the invaluable help of General Ross, of course. The very bastard had to survive the decimation.

They already say that the devil looks after his own ...

"If we could only know where Steve is…" Barnes whispers, but the meeting place isn't even in Colorado or California. They need a lot more information to be able to play it safe.

Wait, the phone he sent him won't have any information on it, right? He hasn't turned it on since T'Challa gave it to him and something tells him that maybe...

He gets up in a hurry and picks it up from his bedroom. When he turns it on, message notifications start to arrive

**Unknown (02/16 10:12):** Hi Buck. I'm glad you decided to turn on the phone but I don't want you to feel compelled to talk to me, okay? Let's do things at your own pace

**Unknown (02/16 10:16):** Do you mind if I send you some random messages? I would like to think that we are talking even through time. Like in the letters we sent each other in the war, do you remember?

**Unknown (02/16 10:17):** Damn, they could go for three months without news and suddenly receive ten letters. You can even add photos, like yesteryear!

**Unknown (02/16 10:19):** anyway, I don't want to become tedious. Thanks Buck for giving me this opportunity.

**Unknown (02/20 17:12):** Hey! Do you know that I have drawn again? Let's see if I can achieve the state of peace in which I was immersed. I will probably also try digital drawing, I have heard that you can do real magic

**Attached image (02/20 17:13):** One of my latest drawings. Do you know what it is? I give you one day to find out ;)

**Unknown (02/21 11:03):** no answer? Don't worry if you don't feel like talking. They are an apple and cinnamon muffin and a strawberry and white chocolate muffin. Our favorites! Jesus, it was a welcome discovery of this crazy century ^^

**Unknown (02/21 11:04):** although you have always been crazy about any sweet with cinnamon

**Unknown (02/21 11:05 AM):** I would like to share those delicious moments again. I know it's early, I'm in no rush

**Unknown (02/21 11:21):** really, we go at your own pace. The last thing I want is to scare you

**Attached image (02/24 18:25):** Brooklyn may have changed a lot, but the sunsets on the bridge are still just as beautiful

**Unknown (02/24 18:26):** although much busier...

**Unknown (02/26 08:43):** Good morning! Today is a radiant day. I hope spring comes soon ;)

**Unknown (03/01 11:06):** Hey Buck. I found a Nazi camp in Colorado. Can you believe it?

**Unknown (03/01 11:09):** Of course they are not just foaming at the mouth claiming freedom of expression. They are killers, Buck. Slavers. All those lives that World War II took seem to have been for nothing...

**Unknown (03/01 11:11):** Damn, is it that human stupidity has no limits?

**Unknown (03/01 11:12):** And on top in an old Hydra base in Alamosa. I bet half of them don't even know what they've gotten themselves into...

**Unknown (03/01 11:20):** Can't stand it. Not there. Not now.

**Unknown (03/01 12:40):** I am going to burn Hydra to the ground. They deserve no less. I'm going to wipe them off the face of the earth by the day you decide to leave Wakanda.

**Unknown (03/01 12:41):** This is for you, Buck

The ground has opened at Barnes's feet. The sense of guilt grows because Steve, the very sentimental idiot, remembers about a teenager's dreams of one day traveling to the Colorado Canyon.

His hands tremble as he covers his face with them. If he had turned on the phone earlier, he could have stopped him.

He could have checked if the mission had ended well.

He could have accompanied him.

He could...

The tightness in his chest looks like it's going to drown him. He needs to fucking rescue Steve. He got in there because of him.

He needs to rescue him at any cost...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The allusions to the cinnamon pastry that Bucky likes are a nod to CrushedRose and Kocuria's fic "the power of five seconds". If you haven't read it, it's a Post-End Game angst masterpiece


	48. Week 21

"Oh Captain, you'll be delighted to know that I no longer need to get the Winter Soldier's activation words out of you" Bennett purrs. That makes Steve lift his head and open his eyes. Despite the constant beatings, he’s not as bad as he makes them believe. He prefers to be underestimated, although they will soon know what an enhanced soldier can really do.

“It turns out that the CIA already had them and I just needed to put enough bills in the right pockets. It has cost me a fortune, I’m not going to fool you...” he continues as he watches Captain America's reactions. Steve doesn't have to fake the disappointed look and continues the charade.

“I don't believe you” he bites with a challenging look.

“Not? I also think it's worth checking out. Is it perhaps the first word 'longing'?” He comments with a predatory smile and Steve is surprised “Well, I know they have to be pronounced in Russian, of course. I have been practicing these last few days but I’m glad I got confirmation that they are correct. For such a stoic face, you are surprisingly expressive” he struts.

Steve wriggles in his chains a bit, enough to make him jump. Even though they are starving him, you can tell they have no idea how his body works.

"You're a bastard, he's a war hero, leave him alone!" He growls.

“No kidding. The meeting is shortly and I already have a buyer for the Winter Soldier” he answers with a short laugh.

Steve prays that everything goes well.

*** *** ***

Bennett did not like the turn of events happening at his base.

At the meeting place, the despicable nigger Falcon and the Winter Soldier had shown up. It was nice to see Captain America's best friend all dressed in black with a suit full of buckles and the muzzle that covered his mouth and nose. Long hair like a fucking hippie was unpleasant but accentuated the dangerous look. Well, the pale eyes promising hell and the exposed black and gold arm already made it clear that he was not someone to try his luck with.

They wanted the Captain back and Bennett smiled as he showed them the camera filming the national icon as they pointed a pistol at him with almost no resistance. If they ran away, if they attacked, if they even raised an eyebrow, America would be in mourning.

Falcon took a step back, finding himself in the trap. The Soldier stepped forward like the loyal good dog he was and stood his ground as Bennett spoke the activation words even though he looked downright terrified.

“Я готов отвечать” said the guy, who had no qualms about shooting Falcon as soon as Bennett ordered him to.

Falcon fled and was quick, the bastard. But as soon as the Winter Soldier was given a sniper rifle, it wasn't long before they saw the bastard crash into the hills with a small explosion that lit up the night.

Bennett was not reckless and sent some men to check what was left of Falcon while he took the rest of the men and the Winter Soldier back to base.

In hindsight, his plan turned out to be not very good.

The silent and impassive guy who had accompanied them like a lapdog turned on them the moment they were in the bowels of the base, firing at point-blank range with the weapons he was dedicated to snatching with that monstrous force.

The idiots got scared around him. His reputation as a ruthless killer caused some to simply drop their weapons and flee for their lives while others tried to meet him with shaking hands.

The fucking Winter Soldier didn't even sweat.

Well, here he is, with one less kneecap and being dragged on the floors like a mop.

"Tell me the entry code," the Winter Soldier orders him at the door of the cell in which Captain America is chained.

Bennett is in pain, obviously, but anger and hatred sometimes lead to unwise decisions.

"Fuck you," he manages to mutter before the other kneecap is blown off and he howls like a dying dog.

“Tell me or the next thing will be the hands. I assure you that there are fates worse than death” sentences the son of a bitch.

Tears and snot trickle-down Bennett's face as the cell door opens and the Winter Soldier disappears inside to go find his inseparable friend.

Bennet regrets all the bad decisions of the last week but knows that Hydra has worse fates than the Winter Soldier, so he takes the pistol from his belt, takes aim, and shoots the Asset from behind. After all, money can cure almost everything.

Except the fucking monster turns around like he's thrown a pebble at him and takes a bullet between his eyebrows.

Okay, money CANNOT cure everything.

*** *** ***

"Bucky!" Steve yells when he sees bastard Bennett pointing the gun at him. His arms move with the urge to cover his friend but the chains hold him back and clink and the bullet finds its target.

Steve's heart stops for a painful second but Bucky moves quickly and shoots the Nazi between the eyes. Steve knows that the bullet has hit him and he still marvels when he turns around and with a smile in his eyes (damn, funny gray eyes, wrinkled at the corners) he finally hears his voice again after 6 years.

"Fucking Nazis..." Bucky whispers humorously, and Steve feels the sting of tears for the sheer happiness he feels.

When Buck unchains him with confident movements and is able to lower his arms after several days, Steve hugs him as life depends on it. He's not proud of the sobs that make him shiver against his friend's chest or the tears that flow unbridled, but Bucky's arms curve around him, and his hands comfort him in circular motions. It feels like the best place in the world.

“Shhh it’s ok, Stevie. You're already safe” the voice of his best boy comforts him behind the muzzle.


	49. Week 21

"Did they hit you, Buck?" Are you hurt?” Steve's face is still streaked with tears but they are not the only thing that makes his eyes shine. He holds on to his friend, anxiously feeling his back and ribs where he knows the bullet has hit. Bucky's hands are checking him too, checking the bruises that delicately shade his face.

“The jacket contains a high percentage of vibranium, courtesy of Shuri” he answers with a smile that invades his practically covered face and Steve is fascinated by the expressiveness of his eyes, the dense lashes framing stormy pupils.

He hesitantly backs away but quickly the arm of his best friend holds him securely and on his feet, and they begin to leave this hole of Aryan supremacism.

“You're good? Do you remember what they did to you?” Bucky asks as they walk through the empty or blood-filled corridors. The Winter Soldier's pose is no accident, with a loaded and ready SIG-Sauer leading the way. They meet practically no resistance; most wounded simply raise their hands in surrender or are writhing in pain clutching one knee.

“Yes, they ... they kept me drugged but also they only gave me water, no food. I don't even know how many days I've been here” he murmurs in a low voice and notes a protective grip around him. Bucky was always a fierce defender of the weak.

“You have been in captivity for six days. It is normal that you are weakened” he murmurs as they approach the exit of the base. According to the plan, Sam and Wanda are waiting for them outside, cleaning up and contacting the relevant authorities.

"Why, Steve? That has been reckless even for you..." Bucky complains to just a glance.

Steve sighs and closes his eyes. He must be smart with his choice of words because he is only going to get this chance. "I know, Buck, it was stupid of me but I ..." he bites her lower lip as his stomach growls with hunger. "I wanted to fulfill our dream. The decimation was devastating; everything I took for granted flew through the air and when you came back ... Jesus, I know it sounds corny, but I wanted to be able to give you this, see the sunrise in the Colorado Canyon" Steve smiles tiredly, and Bucky's shocked, incredulous eyes don't leave him, his mouth ajar without words.

"This Hydra base was too close and didn't seem safe to me, Buck. Not if I wanted us to be able to travel with ease. What if someone recognized you? What if Hydra tried to get you back? I couldn't risk it. Not on your birthday”

"My birthday..." Bucky whispers weakly standing on his feet and looking at Steve with amazement and affection.

Steve smiles and notices a slight blush creeping up his cheeks, pleased by the reaction “Well, it clearly didn't go as planned - he smiles shyly as they walk out into the cold Alamosa night. There are noises outside but the shooting has mostly stopped and Sam quickly lands before them clearly concerned.

"Hey Steve, are you okay?" He asks as he superficially checks it for wounds or cuts.

“Yes, easy, just bruised and something hurt in the pride, really” he answers with a tired smile. Sam directs them towards the quinjet in which they have come, more concerned about the orography of the terrain than about the thugs they leave behind.

"I'm not surprised, these people are rednecks" Sam answers while Buck helps him to move forward. “The situation is under control, Wanda is giving them hell and the feds are on their way. We should leave shortly, Bucky is still on the list of the most wanted” Sam answers once on the ship.

As Falcon returns to support Wanda, Steve glances at Buck; now that his muzzle has been removed he can notice that his expression has hardened into a mixture of disappointment and guilt.

"Hey" he catches his attention with a blow of the shoulder and Buck looks at him, in his eyes there is nothing left of the joy from a while ago "Shall we stay for breakfast?" He asks with a heart full of hope and a shitty smile. Bucky blinks like an owl and there is... a new light in his eyes as the smile slowly spreads across his lips.

“And do we see the sunrise in the Canyon?” He asks playfully while hiding his face a little under the long hair that Steve wants so much to caress. Obviously, he bites into the urge because he doesn't want to scare him, so he gets up and searches his locker for the backpack with his personal effects. "Pick up, we're leaving before I get fainted" he answers as he throws his own backpack at Barnes that he grabs with his elegant vibranium hand. Steve takes one of the communicators and opens the Avengers channel “Falcon, Scarlet Witch, do you have the situation under control?“

“Hi, Captain!” Wanda greets “We're almost done, we don't need support. Are you okay?” asks the girl and Steve knows that her concern is genuine. This kid is a gift to the Avengers and to the world.

“Yes, just hungry. Do you mind if we leave you with the heavy lifting? We would like... Bucky and I have a dream to fulfill and we are just in the right place” he answers while he is face to face with Barnes, the conspiratorial look and a small smile on his lips.

"And have breakfast" adds the brunette.

Steve nods and his smile widens. "Yes, and have breakfast. I'm starving”

Sam rebubbles on the other side of the communications “What a pair of old men you are. Disappear before the FBI arrives, at least you will save us a problem” Sam replies smug, although he is clearly happy with the development of events.

Steve stumbles out of the ship and quickly Buck's arm holds him carefully "Are you sure you're fit, Steve?" He asks with concern on his open face and Steve has missed his friend, damn it. Steve closes the distance and hugs him tightly, one hand resting on the back of his neck in an intimate and protective gesture that makes Barnes's body freeze.

"I can almost smell the bacon and pancakes" Steve answers, lightening the intensity of the moment, letting go of his friend and directing a hand to his grumpy stomach.

Buck blinks and looks down "And muffins..." he adds shyly. Rogers notices how his heart trembles. Buck has read his messages, seen his drawings. He is almost ashamed to manipulate him in this way.

Almost.


	50. Week 21

Finding a car with the keys in the visor was embarrassingly easy. Barnes gets behind the wheel without hesitation and Steve simply shoves the packs into the rear seats and assumes the role of co-pilot with a smile. Barnes steps on the gas as soon as the engine comes to life, he doesn't feel like going to the Raft and the knowledge of what will happen to him if he is caught sinks in his stomach.

"Jesus, Buck, I can't believe we're going to see the sunrise in the Canyon," he says, leaning his elbow on the open window and fiddling with a loose thread from his battered uniform.

“Yes, well, first find me the first open honky-tonk you find. You must be famished” answers Barnes without taking his eyes off the road.

Steve pulls out his phone and searches the area, the perfect excuse for quiet silence while breathing in the scent of the man he's been searching for the past five months. He is dying to touch him, to hold him. To verify that he’s real.

They arrive at a roadside motel and it is very shabby but it has a restaurant and the kitchen is open at these ungodly hours of the night (or early morning). "I'm going to check in, you need a shower before sharing an enclosed space with someone else," Barnes answers before getting out of the car without looking at him. Steve snarls with mock offense but doesn't take his eyes off the rearview mirror as Bucky opens the back door and begins to remove his jacket. By the sound it makes when he drops it in the back seat it's heavy and smells of fresh sweat and gunpowder. Steve's mind travels to the past, to the Howling Commandos. Bucky has always had the same smell ever since.

But what he's not ready for is the charming bun that Bucky makes with a little hair tie and the rimmed glasses. Jesus, the hipster style suits him and Steve has butterflies in his stomach in a surprising new way.

Although Bucky doesn't make eye contact with him.

He is not blind; this situation is being uncomfortable despite the fact that both are doing everything on their part. He knows that Bucky will be leaving shortly, when Steve no longer needs help. Dawn in the Canyon will only hold him back one day, two at the most.

In the distance, he signals him and they climb the stairs to the door of their room, barely two shadows crawling in the night.

Cross that out, of their rooms. Bucky seems to have taken two of them and Steve realizes how their relationship has changed. Buck doesn’t want to share intimacy with him and tries to swallow his disappointment. Fortunately, at the first groan of pain, he has Bucky at his door “Do you need a hand?”

Steve shows off his most pathetic smile and nods. Bucky helps him to unbuttons his suit and he hisses as he raises his arms to help him with the shirt. His torso is still perfect, with some hair on his chest and belly button, but is now obscured with endless bruises in various states of healing.

Bucky's fingers are delicate on his skin when he presses on his ribs. "Are you sure you're okay?" He asks with fleeting glances. Steve wants him to look at him with longing, with tenderness. He wants to know that still likes him.

“Be calm, it's more scandalous than serious. I just need a shower and I'll be like new” he answers against his will. "You don't change?" He asks, gesturing at his clothing: tactical pants, knee pads and combat boots.

“I will just pass water, the spare clothes I have is Wakanda's and it would attract attention” he answers as he goes to the door.

"Wait" he asks a bit too fast as he rummages in his backpack. He has brought leftover clothes and hands him a gray henley and dark jeans as well as underwear and socks. He notices the hesitation before taking the clothes and turning them in his hands “I don't think I’ll fit into your wasp-waist jeans” he answers trying to put a touch of humor.

There is a small silence, Steve doesn’t know whether to mention the obvious and spoil the mood, but at least it is something that they will fix shortly “You have lost a lot of weight, it will probably be big for you” he answers sadly.

Bucky is silent with his eyes fixed on the clothes except for the fleeting glance he gives the window and Steve knows that he is being tempted to flee.

“Buck, eh pal” he catches his attention “I know things are not easy but baby steps, okay? For now we have breakfast and then we see the most anticipated sunrise of the last century. Shall we shower calmly and meet in the restaurant? “He asks with a hopeful look and a small smile, and that at least makes him look him in the eye. They have a suspicious glow but Bucky closes them and sighs loudly "Yeah, we'll do that. Baby steps” he answers taking the door to leave.

Steve freezes, his heart pumping like crazy and ready to run if instead of hearing the next door he hears a car engine roaring, but hardly a few seconds pass before he hears the soft closing of the door and only then he can breathe in peace.

He showers calmly, has week-long filth to shake off himself, and the hot water is a balm for his sore muscles as he thinks about the clothes that await him in his backpack, a black henley, and jeans that look great on him. The black converse gives him a somewhat rocker look that it will accompany with some cream in the hair and some black-rimmed glasses, almost matching Bucky. The backpack is conscientiously prepared for all the eventualities that could happen, and having a date with Bucky was the first of all.

When he opens the door to the restaurant he is eager to see if Buck will keep his word. His friend's gaze quickly finds him in the corner, with some plates already on the table and two steaming cups.

Steve is hungry but barely glances at the table. All his attention is captured by Bucky, his friend. His hair has been blow-dried and the bun looks elegant. The gray henley is oversized and accentuates the difference in size between the two shoulders. The color also highlights his eyes badly hidden by the rimmed glasses.

"I ordered a little of everything," Bucky mutters as he hides after a sip of coffee and Steve has a little collapse between the delicious smell of food and how attractive his best friend is. The waitress comes and goes, bringing more plates and refilling the cups. She has only raised an eyebrow at Steve's battered face but whether she recognizes him or not, at least she gives no sign.

He sits down and begins to reach into all the plates they have brought, another contrast to Bucky who is crumbling his muffin with barely looking up. Steve knows he has to fill in the silences without intimidating Buck, so he takes out his cell phone and starts talking about the routes he's been looking for, the best viewpoints for sunrise and sunset. The beauty of the landscape.

That at least gets him out of silence and Bucky makes input and questions here and there. When Steve shows him some of the photos, his eyes sparkle and his pink, profiled lips spread into a small smile. Steve wants to kiss those lips and undo the bow between his fingers. He wants to hold him to his chest and protect him with a fierceness that he has rarely felt in recent years.

The waitress arrives with some more filled bags and sets them on the table along with the bill.

"Shall we go?" Bucky asks, paying with a card and taking the bags with lunch.

"Let's go" Steve answers with a smile capable of illuminating Manhattan.


	51. Week 21

The night is cold and they are not very well equipped with clothes, but they walk confidently along the paths of the Colorado Canyon to where Steve has promised is the best vantage point to see the glorious sunrise.

Barnes knows their relationship is brittle. He feels ... guilty. He looks at this Steve and notices the differences, he can't help but think that this Steve is an imperfect copy of his friend. But he's just the Steve who went back in time to live with the love of his life.

That he left him behind to move on.

Instead, this man was captured because he wanted to be able to bring Barnes here, a teenage fantasy from a hundred years ago. Doesn't that show a heart of gold? Steve has always been a good man. Barnes knows that he will look out for his well-being, although sometimes his expeditious ways are not the best results with a broken person like him.

But is that Steve's fault?

He's been tempted to run off a couple of times and he knows Steve has noticed. Even so, he has not pressed, he has not recriminated. He has offered his best smile, has looked at him with eyes full of tenderness, and has extended his hand in a conciliatory gesture. This Steve knows how to fill awkward silences with reassuring words; he knows how to handle Barnes's anxiety.

And he wants to reciprocate that effort. He wants to be able to talk normally with Steve, even if he’s this version that has been happy without him. So he puts on his big boy pants, takes a deep breath, and tries to do his part.

And that has led them to Toroweap, the viewpoint with difficult access but wonderful views. The sky begins to lighten and the blues are banished by the purples, lavenders and wonderful pinks, the clouds that dot the sky here and there take on complementary colors to create a visual image worthy of a postcard. The minutes pass quickly and the oranges are illuminated with golden bands appear to announce the King Star.

Steve takes his flesh hand and laces their fingers together with a brief, excited look as the sun rises.

Barnes's heart stops for a second at the beauty and emotion of the moment. Steve's hand is as warm and steady as ever.

“Wherever you return, I hope you find the happiness that you seek so much. The place where you can be you as a whole” Steve whispers and Barnes looks at him with a raised eyebrow. “Those were Peggy's last words before returning to the present. The divorce papers were signed and our relationship, dead” he says in a quiet voice, still looking at the sky.

Barnes's stomach knots with anxiety. The residual disgust he feels when he hears her name is almost erased by the big question Why didn't his relationship with Carter go well?

"That must have been harsh..." Barnes whispers not quite sure what to say but turns his attention back to dawn. It sounds like a heart-to-heart conversation and Barnes doesn't know if he's ready.

“I thought it was worth it but it was actually very lonely. And it was hard to admit that I was wrong, to admit that Peggy...” Steve is silent for a second and sighs “I missed you so much, Buck. Your calm and warm presence, your gentleness and solidity. Even that dirty mouth capable of making a goat blush” he says smiling, probably remembering many of the afternoons in which Bucky had to fight with the damn goats because they did not want to enter the corral.

But Barnes's eyes turn to him with a suspicious look. "But I was there, right? To help you, to comfort you. I would never ditch you in a moment of need, not now or then” Barnes answers with certainty and Steve looks at him with a small wrinkle in his brow. Is there... is there shame in that look? Repentance?

Barnes lets go of Steve's hand, horrified. Anguish gnaws at his guts, disbelief crushed by the weight of the truth.

Steve never saved him from Hydra.

Steve left him.

“Bucky you have to understand that I couldn't just travel to Russia to rescue you. Peggy was rising in Shield…”

The next thing Steve knows, he is on the ground with intense pain in his face, the sky is glowing with some clouds, and Bucky's shadow looms over him with clenched fists. With a frown and a wild look, his best friend asks "Who the hell are you?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ups...


	52. Week 21

Steve didn't see it coming, plain and simple. He has a very big mouth and Bucky, who never had a fool's hair, has been able to deduce too much -Bucky, listen to me! - he begs while raising his hands appeasingly still belly up, defenseless. Steve needs to fix the situation at any cost, and fast.

Buck's face is livid except for his eyes, which are mere slits of hatred. Steve's stomach sinks at the wildly menacing look of the silhouette against the peach sky, legs apart and fists clenched. Bucky's slim figure steps closer, favoring the left side. He reminds Steve of the Bucky who escaped from the Vienna International Center under Baron Zemo except for the now slender and angular figure.

“Who are you? A clone made by Hydra? Did you think that _I_ would not realize if you impersonated Steve Rogers?” He spits with contempt as he raises his metal fist ready to destroy, but his words are even more hurtful.

“Jesus, Buck, it's me. I swear!”

"I'm not going to hear any more lies" he growls. The metal fist crashes to the ground and rock chips dot Steve's face, who has turned his head just in time to avoid turning to pulp. His eyebrows rise in surprise as he realizes that he can't trust Bucky not to kill him. Not now that he thinks he's someone else. He jumps up off the ground to at least have a chance.

Bucky attacks, chaining blow after blow and Steve feels like he's narrowly escaping. Steve is stronger, superior in hand-to-hand combat, and could take him down, but he doesn't want to hurt him even though Bucky isn't holding back an ounce, damn it, and right now he feels like he's in real danger.

“Buck. Bucky! It's really me!” He tries to make him see reason, dodging the fists that seek to destroy him “In Wakanda you never let me cook. You said that with one arm you continued to cook better than I did with four” he goes with the first memory that comes to mind in which there are no witnesses. They had both giggled and Steve feels like a real jerk for missing that opportunity. For taking the easy way.

The comment at least gets a reaction. Buck looks at him dangerously but straightens up at a safe distance. "So what are you, a Skrull? Is that it?” Bucky's voice is ironic and biting but it doesn't escape Steve who directs his hand towards the knife he keeps in his boot. Without his shield, he has no chance of succeeding with armed Bucky and his metal arm, so without thinking twice Steve throws himself at him and for a moment they are a scramble of limbs, blows and knees. They roll through the reddish dust digging stones into their kidneys, a few meters from ravines that would kill them both in a long fall as the sun continues to lazily rise.

Fists strike mercilessly and although Steve is now fighting for his own life, he can't help but cringe every time he hits his friend's slim body.

"Fuck, Buck! It's me, damn it!" He barks when he manages to get behind him and stick like a limpet. He keeps Bucky face up on his chest; the metal arm immobilized with one leg while the right arm keeps it tight against the neck. Bucky wheezes, resists with everything he has but is not making it out. It's the same key that knocked him out on the helicarrier and Steve is ashamed to take advantage of his friend's weak points.

"What do I have to do to make you believe me?" Steve pleads, seeing his hopes fade.

"You can't!" Bucky yells at him, his eyes shining suspiciously as he tries to free himself from the grip. "You can't because Steve would never have left me in Hydra's hands knowing what they did to me. Knowing what I went through"

"Fuck Buck, I couldn't rescue you! It was the beginning of the Cold War, Hydra kept you in Siberia and would have pursued you, there was nowhere to hide!" Steve wants to make him understand that even if he had managed to enter the USSR there were no possibilities of escape. Not without the help of the Avengers. Shield was just a baby and Peggy wouldn't have understood. There was also no way to explain it to her without giving himself away.

"I didn't need a rescue!" Bucky's voice breaks into a half-strangled sound. His gasps now seem more desperate but not from lack of oxygen. "I needed someone to get me out of my misery. Everything they did to me, everything I did ... I didn't need a rescue, I needed a bullet. I don't want this, I don't want to know that I had a chance to die and you left me stranded" the struggle takes hold and he escapes from Steve's numb arms. His heart has stopped and his brain is melted, the words dead inside him because ... what do you say to that?

Bucky stands up fast and steps away, panting heavily, his eyes sore and his nose red "But the real Steve knows that, he knows I'd rather have died than have all that blood on my hands, and that's why you can't convince me" The hollow voice that comes out of his best friend's chest, strangled and thick, is the voice of uncertainty and fear. Holy shit, he is terrified that it is not true, that he has given nonexistent virtues to his lifelong friend and the truth is...

The truth is that if he has a defect, it’s selfishness.

Steve stands up heavily as if his body weighs a ton and suddenly feels each of the years in his soul "But Bucky, if I did that ... you wouldn't be here now and I wouldn't have anyone to turn to" Steve whispers in disbelief, gasping through tears. "I love you, Buck. I could never kill you, not in the past or in the present. Don't ask me that..."

Bucky's chest makes hurt and incredulous sound and he puts his hand to his heart "No! You are not him! You're not him" he whispers in just a moan as the tears trickle down his cheeks. He takes big gulps of air and seems to wobble until he falls to his knees. He is the very image of defeat and Steve approaches with a trembling heart, reaching out to caress his shaved cheekbones; the gray and unfocused irises stand out like jewels amid tears and dark lashes.

Steve hugs him like a bear; Buck's body trembles like a leaf and his breathing is erratic and gasping. With both hands, he clutches his heart trying to stop an invisible bleeding of pain.

"Please, Buck, give me another chance. I can make you happy, I know, I just need the opportunity..." Steve whispers over and over as he strokes the soft hair of his trembling friend. He keeps his nose close to his neck and damn, Bucky is so warm and solid in his arms, so real.

He has waited almost seven years for this, to be able to embrace the love of his life, to be able to declare what he has always kept in his heart.

To stop being a coward.

It's too late? Or worse yet, is the damage dealt too deep? It is scary to look for an answer, to face the consequences of his actions.

It's scary but he has to know.

When he detaches himself from Bucky and lifts his face with a gentle gesture, his friend still blinks in confusion, but when their eyes meet Steve finds a pair of polished steel mirrors.

There is no emotion in those eyes, just cautious attention.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you hear that? it's Bucky's heart breaking into a thousand pieces T_T


	53. Week 21

Big hands caress his wet face. His head aches and his eyes itch, but nothing compares to the deep throbbing pain in his heart. His hands are trying to stop a possible bleeding but when he pushes them away there is no blood.

Still, it hurts like a stab in the chest.

“Can you stand up? Are you okay?” asks the man with the big hands as he helps him to his feet. He knows this man. Steve Rogers aka Captain America. He's a threat but also an ally, Barnes' primary handler.

The source of his pain.

He cannot attack this man who looks at him like an abandoned puppy.

Now he can't run from him either.

He can only hope that he’s a compassionate handler and that he doesn’t hurt him further.

Winter stands before Rogers and removes his hands from his chest, letting them fall to the sides “Ready to comply”

Rogers takes a step back as he gasps like a fish out of water but recovers quickly. "Winter?" He asks suspiciously. And who else would it be, causing all that pain and causing Barnes to flee in terror? Isn't he who he was looking for?

"Yes, sir," he answers obediently.

“You... Bucky... what happened? I was talking to Bucky. Why are you here?”

Winter squints his eyes. What Rogers says clearly doesn't make sense. The blooming bruises on his skin, the rapid gallop of his breathing, and the gradually fading pain in his chest indicate that they were fighting. Barnes was subdued, once again.

"Because of the pain" he answered as a simple explanation.

Rogers seems disgruntled, runs a hand through his messy hair, and bites his lip as he puts his arms on hips. "But I didn't hurt you. We rolled on the ground, yeah. Some stone has bruised us, but I haven’t hurt you” In his words, he wants to print a security that he doesn’t feel. Doubt is painted all over his face.

Winter lowers the neck of the henley to his heart, showing the handler where he feels pain. He looks for something himself, any mark that shows the damage is real, not like the pain in his phantom limb.

But there is no mark on his chest. He gently runs his fingers over the skin, finding neither sensitivity to touch. Maybe it is really a phantom pain...

Rogers takes two steps forward and hugs him tightly. Winter's arms hang down without knowing what to do. Rogers is making some very unworthy, wet sounds on his neck as he babbles incessantly, "Bucky, I'm sorry. Come back to me, please. I never meant to hurt you. I wish I could erase everything Hydra did to you but I can't pay that price ... Buck, come back to me…”

Winter is glad to hear of the good intentions of his new (old?) handler and tries to do what is expected of him: try to comfort the man who is holding him. He wraps his arms around him and keeps his hands making comforting movements on his back. Several minutes go by like this, ragged breaths, human warmth, and heavy silence.

When Rogers finally pulls back, his face is smeared with dust, a deeper red where tears have dampened it.

"Will you run?" Steve asks anxiously.

"No"

"Then we have a chance." Rogers looks at him hopefully and holds out his hand.

Winter takes a dagger from his boot and hands it to him. The handler's confused look lasts barely a blink, but he puts the dagger away. "Come on, Bucky. Let's go back to the hotel”

Winter knows that Bucky is the name he gives to Barnes, but if the handler wants to call him that, it’s his right.

Bucky will be for Bucky not to become.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Samhain!


	54. Week 21

Bucky had loved the views, stopping in the best areas to gaze out at the reddish landscape even for just a few seconds.

Winter only stops to look for threats and control Steve's descent; it's efficient, clinical, and impersonal, and Steve hates him.

He understands that Winter is a part of Bucky, not someone else. It is a shield created by the mind looking for a way to protect itself from pain and fear. Of all the trauma lived during 70 years.

But he also feels that Winter is the epitome of all Steve's failures. He couldn't catch Bucky before he fell off the train. No one searched the Alps for his body except Zola.

And Steve, knowing where he was, never went for him.

Steve was scared he wouldn't be able to rescue him, the logistics were really screwed up, and the Russians were at the height of their power. And even if he rescued him, that would mean he wouldn't find Bucky here, in the present. It would leave them stranded in 1955, unable to build a life together and at the mercy of homophobia, jail, and derision. It's not something Bucky needs while he's recovering.

He could have also saved him and kept him close as a good friend, as his best guy. Pray that his heart will hold disappointment and sadness when Bucky finds a girl, and settle down with Peggy in a beautiful house with a white fence and garden.

But she would know.

Oh yeah. Peggy would have seen the way he looks at his friend and knew she was second best. She would know he was with her just because he couldn't be with him.

And while she wasn't cocky, she knew exactly what she was worth.

What does that make him? In a weak and mean man? Selfish and manipulative?

In a bad person?

Steve just wanted a simple and happy life. Five years of loneliness, guilt, and despair; five years of pain and agony only endured by a faint thread of hope were more than enough for Steve. He needed to rest, he needed something easy.

And the Buck of the present was not easy. Among post-traumatic stress disorder, guilt, and depression, Steve felt that their relationship was fragile. As if anything could hurt him.

He couldn't bear the fear of hurting his friend.

He couldn't bear the thought of watching him die once more.

So he fled.

Tears blur the way back but... there it is. A hand. Winter stretches out his hand before him to help him down.

Bucky always there. Always waiting for Steve.

Always helping him every step of the way.

Steve takes his hand and accepts the help, one more gram in a ton of tokens of infinite love.

How blind he has been, Steve thinks as he wipes the tears that never stop with the sleeves of his jacket.

How stupid and cowardly.

Steve feels a new determination spring up in his chest. He has claws and teeth, and boundless devotion. He has had seven years of peace. They may not have been the best of his life and surely they were not as he expected, but they have been his to do what he wanted.

It's time to look out for Buck's happiness, and Steve is going to take care of it.

*** *** ***

Winter drives calm and attentive; he remembers exactly where the road hotel is and doesn't even look at the GPS. On the other hand Steve is in the passenger seat answering the messages of Sam. It's a fucking miracle the phone still works after the fight.

**Sam:** How about the famous sunrise? Was the walk worth it?

 **Steve:** It was impressive, so much so that we forgot to take photos.

 **Sam:** hey that's great. Is your boy doing it right?

 **Steve:** Things are a bit tense but we're talking. You can already be proud

 **Sam:** No man, you just needed the push. Talking will make you feel better, you'll see

 **Sam:** The first words are always the hardest

 **Steve:** We will stay together for a few days if something urgent comes up call me

 **Sam:** OK! Remind Barnes about the medication!

Shit. That implies contacting Shuri and she will demand to speak to her White Wolf. If she recognizes Winter, she is able to come looking for him herself.

Luckily he has brought the drugs that Dr. Cho has kindly replicated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have struggled with this chapter. I didn't want to be repetitive, but I wanted Steve to suffer a bit, you know...  
> I'm also in courses that take more time than I thought and I'm writing 3 fics at the same time, but I don't regret anything!


	55. Week 21

Winter is quiet and silent, he does not depart from Steve and is always two steps behind him allowing him to lead. Instead, when they enter the hotel room he is like a bloodhound after his prize, searching and researching in every corner, nook, and piece of furniture. That keeps him entertained while Steve dusts himself off and washes his face. He needs to recover from the emotional blow. He needs to help Bucky come out of dissociation and talk to him. And perhaps even treat him, although it’s not recommended that the therapist and the patient be close...

A soft knock on the bathroom door startles him. Still, with the towel in his hand, he opens the door and the immobile figure of Winter receives him with a pair of tiny transmitters in his skin hand.

Steve can't believe it and anxiety and anger twist in his chest. What the hell? Was it Sam? He doesn't trust Steve to do the right thing and is spying on him? Or has he been conspiring with Princess Shuri?

"Shit!" Steve yells as he punches the door frame with his fist and splinters it flying splinters all over the small room. Automatically he repents; Winter has shrunk a couple of millimeters and is noticeably paler than ten seconds ago.

"Damn, I'm sorry..." he cradles his friend's shaved face between his two palms and moves closer to bring their foreheads together. Winter is still and anxious, and Steve hates being the source of his unease.

"Hey, come on, I haven't gotten mad at you, don't worry," he whispers against his forehead giving it a soft kiss. He wants to start a relationship of trust and affection, to show him that he has nothing to fear from Steve so that Winter feels more relaxed. If he realizes that Bucky is not in danger he may retreat and allow Bucky to surface.

He inhales deeply the fragrance of Bucky's, Winter’s hair. Now he has something to fight for and he doesn't intend to let others get in the way, but he has to be smart here. He needs to cover their tracks.

 _Do these things work?_ He asks with only his lips moving. Winter nods, they still have time to use them to his advantage so he asks him to quietly rearrange them while he collects all his belongings. Only then does he speak aloud again. "I'm going to make a three-day reservation at one of the hotels in the Tusayan. From there we will be able to do several routes by car at our own pace, although the entire park can also be visited with the bus service” Steve quickly writes a message and shows it to him without sending it. It's a clear instruction: _Steal a car similar to ours. Be discreet. Wait for me with the engine running._

“I'm going to get food, now I'll be back” he gives an ominous look at his friend who nods again. They both walk out the door and each heads to a different place, Bucky carrying the duffel bags and Steve renting the first hotel he finds in Tusayan through his cell phone while ordering food for a regiment.

With the bags loaded with food, he goes to the parking lot and finds Winter in a dark sedan, the suitcases stored and his eyes alert to any danger.

It never crossed his mind that Bucky could have taken advantage of his absence to flee. Now they are two men on a mission; again the Howling Commandos working together like well-oiled cogs, covering each other's backs.

Steve gets into the passenger seat with a smile on his lips and the absolute certainty that no one will separate them.

*** *** ***

They've been driving for twelve bloody hours accompanied only by radio and fussiness. Winter answers the direct questions and offers the best choices or alternatives to the needs Steve identifies. That is why they have changed cars four times and have finally arrived in Las Vegas with the assurance that no one is following them. Steve knows that the relaxed morale of this city is what they need to hide them in plain sight.

The night is cold enough that they can cover themselves with a scarf and cap, and with the IDs just stolen, they rent a room in one of the (surprisingly expensive) hotels that surround the city. They accept cash and ask few questions; so really what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

The room is on the third floor. The colors are pleasant, with pearl gray walls and two oversized beds with white sheets and purple blankets. The television is large, as are the refrigerator and the bathtub. He doesn’t care about the rest of the hotel equipment, they will buy their food in a supermarket and some more clothes but for today they have had enough.

They dine quietly while they watch a kind of show in which two teams renovate houses (okay, Steve is able to admit that he was a bit spellbound) but it’s late and Steve wants Bucky to rest, to feel as safe as possible.

He finds the neon orange jar in his duffel and puts it on the table. He takes out two pills and places them in front of Bucky along with a glass of water. "This is the medication you should take, Buck. Dr. Cho has developed a psychiatric cocktail that will help you with anxiety and guilt” his friend diligently takes both pills while Steve explains, and he knows these could have been cyanide and he still would have taken them. He sighs exhausted, he must not forget that Winter is a part of Bucky, that he must make him feel at ease, but his silence and lack of judgment make Steve uncomfortable.

“Bucky, Winter...” Steve has to make up his mind, he can’t be calling him by both names and if his intention is to make Winter go back by making him recognize that he is a part of Bucky, he has to start now.

“Bucky, we've known each other since we were a couple of kids. When I was a sickly child, and even older, you sometimes slept in my bed. You not only gave me warmth but also comfort. You made me feel protected, loved, and I cherish those memories. I must say that I never thought you would live in a place even smaller than our apartment in Brooklyn until I met your shoebox in Wakanda” Steve smiles when he remembers the cabin by the lake. It seemed so primitive compared to the luxury of Stark ... “I admit that it took me to find the appeal, don’t judge me, but what I liked the most was the solitary cot. There was no alternative but to share it if you wanted me to stay the night and you offered it so casually that I can't help but think that you also liked sharing the bed, the warmth, and the security. That I could also offer you that trust and protection when you needed it most”

Winter watches him carefully without moving a muscle. Instead, Steve is nervous, his cheeks burning with embarrassment. He has to remember that this is not about him, it is about Bucky and whatever makes him feel good.

“Would you like us to share a bed? Just that, just... just hugs, consolation. Just the two of us and our old friendship. Sounds good to you?”

Winter does not take a second to answer “Yes, sir”

*** *** ***

The night progresses in the dark room. Steve doesn't know if Bucky is sleeping but his breathing is slow and deep. His friend's hair is spread across the pillow, and its fragrance fills the lungs with every breath.

Steve has a visceral fear of losing what he's achieved and it's a fucking miracle that he stands still like a marble statue instead of smashing him in his arms like he needs to do to make sure he's real, to make sure no one can take him away.

He knows that things are not right. He has made Bucky suffer with his decisions and he never expected the worst of all to be that ... betrayal.

He also has no excuse. He has no regrets because the alternatives were simply unaffordable. He can't even believe that Bucky expected death at his hands...

Steve sighs and rests his lips against Buck's head. He needs to relax and get some sleep. Maybe tomorrow, hopefully, it will be Bucky who opens his eyes, and Steve needs to be prepared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry! I’m busy with some courses and I have discovered that "in the webs of love" is going to be longer than I imagined, so I also needed to organize the ideas so as not to forget anything.  
> I hope you have enjoyed the chapter!


	56. Week 21

“Sam?”

“Hey, Princess Shuri! How is everything?”

“Sorry, I know it's late but Bucky hasn't called me and his phone is off. I am somewhat worried. Is he with you?”

“He hasn't called you yet? He's with Steve, they went together to see the sunrise in the Colorado Canyon. It seems that it was a pending issue since they were children”

“They're together? Alone?” That's a surprise, or maybe not. Rogers and Bucky have always been orbiting each other, at least until the day Rogers decided to leave.

“Yeah, I know it sounds strange but we ourselves saw them go together willingly. It seems that they are finally talking like two functional adults. Something happens?”

Shuri sighs with her head in a mess. "I'm worried. Buck has not given any sign of life. I'm concerned about the side effects of stopping the medication suddenly. Do you know when he will return?”

Sam knows that psychiatric cocktails are not a joke, nor the withdrawal syndrome they can generate. He understands that Shuri is worried.

"Steve told me they would be together for a few more days but I already made sure to remind Barnes about the medication. I'm surprised he hasn't called you yet. Well, it's only been 20 hours since the rescue. Maybe they're catching up...” Sam wants to believe that as much as Steve Rogers has changed, he wouldn't do anything that would put his friend in danger, right?

“Yeah, you're right. Maybe he's distracted, or out of battery... Are you still looking for the Captain's shield?”

“Those Hydra bastards sold it to the first bidder. Luckily it has a locator but we can't track it. I imagine they have it in some kind of suitcase or box that prevents the emission of the locator chip. Anyway, we are ready and as soon as he appears on the map we will go for him” And Steve needs that shield, maybe it will make him connect better with his old self. Defending the weak has always been an intrinsic part of his extraordinary morals.

“Maybe I can help you, we have vibranium locators. Let me pack and see you in the morning”

“Here we wait for you, princess”

Shuri is restless. Bucky has made great progress, partly because the medication has stabilized him emotionally but also thanks to great work with his therapist. She doesn't understand why Bucky doesn't get in touch with her when it was the first thing they agreed upon when he joined the Rogers rescue team, so she sets about looking for where Bucky's kimoyo beads are located.

The sign appears in Fort Garland, Colorado, near a quaint, rustic hotel. She hacks the hotel registry and finds the White Wolf with his Wakandan passport. He has rented two rooms, so he must be with Rogers. Maybe Shuri is wrong. Maybe everything is fine and she is being paranoid, but she is nobody's fool and smells the problems for miles.

She doesn't hesitate: she packs her suitcase and takes the White Wolf's medication. Tomorrow morning she will be in America, helping Sam, locating the shield, or contacting Bucky.

But she will be around in case there are problems.

*** *** ***

When Steve opens his eyes he meets the calm blue gaze of his friend. His heart leaps full of hope. “Bucky?” 

"Yes, sir" Winter answers in just a whisper, with his hair ruffled on the pillow.

Steve feels like his heart is in his boots. Another day with only a part of Buck. Another day that he will fight hard for what he wants.

The sun has not yet risen but the sky is already clearing. “We got up? So we can take advantage of the day and do a little sightseeing in Red Rock Canyon. And at night we could go to visit the city, they say that the views with the colored lights are impressive”

Bucky gets up and starts dressing. He's a man on a mission, and Steve knows he needs to sort out his friend's priorities. He puts his hand on his shoulder to get his attention, under his hand he feels the warmth of the wrinkled fabric “Bucky, breakfast and shower first. No hurry”

Steve has ordered breakfast from room service and is watching the news when Bucky comes out of the shower. Steve's clothes are slightly oversized for him, but they are soft and warm and hopefully comfortable enough. What immediately catches his attention is the wet hair and his fingers itch with the need to touch it, to put them in that thick mane. He takes the brush from his duffel and goes to Bucky “Can I brush you?”

Winter looks at him out of the corner of his eye and nods. Steve feels lucky, the hair is soft and healthy, and it feels nice in his hands.

When breakfast comes it's a feast for two. Eggs with bacon, coffee, toast, fruit, and beloved muffins that look fresh. They get no reaction from Bucky despite the scent of cinnamon in the air. At least Winter is eating heartily. He hates thinking about how handlers used food as a reward and punishment, and how many days he was starving for some stupid mistake.

And that makes him wonder if he's not bingeing on food for fear that Steve will punish him at some point. “Bucky, you know you can eat whenever you're hungry, right? You are allowed to eat. You are allowed to want things, and to the extent that I can, I will provide them. I don't want you to be on guard all day like they are going to attack us at any moment. We're on vacation to meet each other, Buck”

Winter looks at him with intensity, absorbing his gestures and words. It's meaning. "Yes, sir" he answers, and Steve feels a little more frustrated.

Steve takes Bucky's hand and brings it to his face, giving him the power. Touch is important, it's trust and affection. Steve wants to overwrite everything Hydra has taught him about it; to fear the pain that may be inflicted “Don't be afraid of me, Buck. I'm not going to hurt you, I could never” he assures him “And I also know that you won't hurt me. I trust you”

Bucky nods and as soon as Steve lets go of his hand he retrieves it to pick up the cup and bring it to his lips.

Steve feels like he's losing this battle. He tries to put all his heart and trust in Winter to wake Bucky, but as an Asset he is distant and surrounds himself with impenetrable armor. Steve knows what role he has, it's so that nothing hurts him. And it certainly seems that none of his actions affect him.

But if Steve has a second flaw in addition to being selfish, it is stubbornness.

“Come on, Bucky. We have a city to discover”


	57. Week 21

The views are beautiful, there is no doubt. The plain stretches as far as the eye can see, sandstone and dirt, and multi-colored rocks dominated by gray, beige, and red, a reminder of Colorado. Some bushes bravely try to thrive but it’s a desert that can be traveled for miles with hardly any noticeable changes. The sky is a deep blue, clean and not a single cloud appears on the horizon. The contrast of the chill of the wind and the heat of Bucky's body behind him is pleasant, it makes him feel alive as the bike devours the road. He would like not to wear the helmet that dulls his senses, but they need to go unnoticed.

At least he's got Winter to raise an eyebrow questioning his decision to be the driver of the stolen machine.

Winter seems expectant when they stop at a picnic area, checking the surroundings, the possible risks, and the best defensible points as if Steve were finally going to give him a mission. Nothing could be further from the truth, he invites him to sit on the sunburned wooden bench and relax while he talks about old times. Steve is convinced that creating a climate of trust and bringing out good shared memories may lead to Winter's confidence. The assurance that Steve is not here to hurt him.

As much pain as that cautious look causes him.

The picnic table is engraved with dozens of knives and markers but it’s still a good place to have lunch, quiet and with good views. Bucky puts on the hat and sunglasses they bought and just starts eating with Steve's deep and calm voice in the background. Winter doesn’t say a word but Steve knows that he’s attentive to the tiny movements of his eyebrows: disbelief, humor, surprise ... Perhaps for someone who doesn’t know Bucky he could say that Winter has no expressiveness, but Steve sees Bucky in every movement of the eyebrow, in every unspoken word, as if the only thing keeping him quiet was shyness.

It's frustrating.

They return to Las Vegas at dusk, the lights of the city competing with the sunset. The city is large, composed mainly of single-family houses and gigantic casinos of the most varied: fairytale castles, pyramids, modernist train stations ... everything that money can pay.

Although it’s low season for pools under the palm trees and sunbathing, the casinos themselves are not exactly empty. Bucky clings to his back like a bodyguard and Steve has to take his hand to get him to stand next to him. He wants to make him understand that he’s not in a job, he is just touring with his best friend. Something seems like he fits into his place because he gives him a little squeeze and he doesn't let go of his hand anymore.

Restaurants offer delicious food at low cost (not that they won't charge the difference on the slot machines) and even have chapels for instant weddings "your marriage certificate in less than 48 hours!" Steve briefly recalls his wedding to Peggy, when everything was love and joy. When the fire of his passions hadn't burned everything in his path. Now he can't help but think of Bucky getting electrocuted while Steve was saying "Yes, I do." At Buck being tortured as he unbuttoned her pristine white dress with utter adoration. The satin and gauze could have been stained red from all the blood Bucky lost when his arm was amputated.

He doubts that he can ever forget the mental image because that was, indeed, the price to pay.

A squeeze on the hand brings him back to the present. Bucky, who has never abandoned the hand that had offered him, takes him out of sight of four policemen who are arresting a couple of drunks who have fought.

"Hey, it's okay, we haven't done anything wrong" Bucky seems to not share his idea because he slightly frowns, releases his hand, and keeps a safe distance from Steve.

And it’s true that in the 40s those joined hands could have led them to jail with a few blows as a tip. Steve smiles wistfully because Bucky hasn't changed that much being Winter. And maybe that's what he needs to do, let Bucky seep from the inside out, let him engulf and absorb Winter.

“Do you want to live capitalism to the limit and try your luck at the casino? Today I feel lucky” and he can almost, almost see Bucky roll his eyes.

"Come on, it can't be more difficult than winning Frenchie at the dice," Steve says confidently.

They soon discover that it can actually be more difficult.

*** *** ***

The gin has a dry taste in the mouth, lightened by the notes of lemon and herbs. They are on the outdoor terrace on the observation deck, the city lights are bright and beautiful and stretch to the horizon. The night has hidden the surrounding mountains so it seems that the only thing in front of them is this panel of lights and colors.

There are some tourists around them, enraptured by the sights, and not just tourists. A herd of Tyrannosaurus rex are taking photos, some of them already without their plush heads on. Definitely, none of them are cold.

A couple of them wear pink bands across their chests announcing to the world that they have just gotten married. They are two girls with rosy cheeks, eyes full of hope and love, and young, very young ... Will they even reach 25? At that age, Bucky was paying his pound of meat to Uncle Sam and Steve wasting his time dancing around the theaters in America. They were so damn young it looked like the world was going to chew them up and spit them out.

In Bucky's case, it was really like that.

And Steve thinking he deserved a happy ending. How stupid he feels right now. How self-centered...

He looks away when they share a small, loving kiss, just lips, and smiles but so intimate he’s embarrassed to look. Instead, Bucky continues to watch the dinosaurs as if assessing a threat while he raises the whiskey to his lips.

The world is rebuilding after the return of half the planet. It's not perfect but it's good, hope explodes everywhere in wonderful little ways. Sometimes with impulsive decisions, but who can blame them when they already know what it is to lose everything once?

Maybe Steve should take a fucking lesson too.

The night is young and they have some new bags of popcorn. Surely there will be a good movie on one of the hotel channels, something without wars or blood, or romantic movies that create impossible expectations about love and destiny. Maybe a silly comedy or an animated movie...

"Shall we go back to the hotel?" Asks Steve. Bucky nods, finishes what is left of his drink in one gulp, and stands up.

Although he still looks at the dinosaurs suspiciously.

The perfect excuse for Steve to hold his hand with a small smile.

*** *** ***

It's late, too late, or too early depending on your point of view, but it's not time for Bucky to wake him up with a few taps on the shoulder.

"Something's wrong" Winter whispers.


	58. Week 21

"Something's wrong," Winter whispers.

That suddenly awakens Steve, who rises from the bed with his heart pounding.

Steve sticks his ear to the door as Bucky hands him Captain America's heavy combat boots. Steve would swear they are vacating rooms around him.

Hydra?

Then the door explodes and Steve is without a shield. Damn fucking unarmed.

A shove of colossal strength crashes him into a corner as the first SWAT enters the room, Heckler & Koch at the front yelling to surrender. He doesn't take two steps before Bucky takes the gun away from him and kicks him into the other soldiers following him, some falling heavily into a tangle of limbs. Fuck, the hallway is full of SWATs armed to the teeth.

Those seconds are long enough for Bucky to grab the bed and snap it into the doorframe, almost old Romanian style. It seems like a lifetime ago but the recall shines perfectly in his memory.

The heavy structure will give them a few minutes but they need to get out of this mousetrap.

At least Buck has had time to put on his Winter Soldier jacket, even if it's unbuttoned. The jacket stands out, matte black over the soft, wrinkled blue T-shirt and baggy gray pants. From his thousand pockets, a SIG-Sauer appears that he throws at Steve along with a clip. Steve takes it without thinking but clearly doesn't want to have to use it against SWAT.

He also doesn’t have time to have a mental breakdown, in Winter's hands two combat knives gleam that could gut an elephant and Steve can tell that he is angry.

“Bucky, no !! Don't kill them!” Steve yells. _I'm not gonna kill anyone._ For a moment the echo of Romania returns to him. Bucky reaffirming his decision to leave all of this.

"Yes, sir," Winter responds diligently.

Grief and disappointment clench in his chest. Isn't there a trace of Bucky left in this man other than instinct and programming? Has he scared him that badly?

Steve focuses. He can't start falling apart now; he needs to rake his brain to get out of here. For them it’s simple, it’s only a third floor but it’s evident that more police prepared for this course of action await them on the street.

“I'm Captain Steve Rogers! This man is in my custody!” He yells furiously.

Steve notices how desperation and helplessness settle in his gut when the stun grenades arrive.

Fuck.

Steve sets the mattress on top of the first grenade with a quick movement. The other one flies out the window when Bucky's fist pierces the glass and drops it.

The grenade explodes on the facade of the building and the sound of breaking glass is accompanied by some exclamations of surprise outside. It's the perfect distraction.

“Buck! Out the window!” Steve exclaims.

He rips off the window frame with his metal hand and jumps out. He rolls when he hits the ground and doesn't give a second for them to hit him, and then...

"Sputnik!" The SWATs start shouting. Winter stumbles and shrinks with wide eyes. Steve stands right in front of him with the SIG-Sauer raised, ready to defend him. Yet his heart skips when some guns are pointed at him, reminding him how naked and vulnerable he is without his bulletproof suit.

“Don’t move!! Put your hands up!” shout those who aim at him while some try to approach the Winter Soldier from the sides. Winter stands up, confused and furious, wielding combat knives.

“I'm Captain Steve Rogers, Captain America. I have immunity and the last time the police pointed a gun at me it turned out to be Hydra. Lay down your arms or I will have no choice but to consider you a rebel terrorist cell and act accordingly” he answers with aplomb. He may be at a disadvantage, but that has never stopped him before.

Although he never had to face anyone in pajamas...

“Captain, don't make me detain you. We are here to arrest the terrorist James Barnes” answers a voice that Steve knows and hates.

“Ross...” he growls. It had to be him. Between locking Buck in the Raft or using him as a weapon, Steve knows what the Secretary of State's decision will be. He sees the Winter Soldier as an obedient dog ready to shoot and who will not hesitate to undergo the experiments Ross needs to reproduce the super-soldier serum.

Steve Rogers has never hated anyone like Thaddeus Ross.

“Captain Rogers, we both know you have no escape. Surrender and give us the Winter Soldier. He has many crimes to answer for” answers the bastard son of a bitch.

But he has already danced this dance once.

"Buck, run!" He yells as he kicks the nearest armored car with such force that the soldiers behind cover fall on his ass.


	59. Week 21

"Buck, run!" He yells as he kicks the nearest armored car with such force that the soldiers behind cover fall on his ass.

Gunshots sound behind them and the distinctive sound of vibranium bouncing them. Bucky is a blur but out of the corner of his eye, he sees one of the brave men who was trying to outflank the Winter Soldier fly out.

_"Longing"_ says the voice through the megaphone. Steve has a second to be surprised. Bennett already told him that he had gotten the words from the CIA. It was stupid to think that they wouldn't try to use them...

“ _Rusted_ ” everyone is paralyzed, the police do not advance a step in the hope of not having to engage in a battle against the Winter Soldier. Steve knows that brief hope and will make good use of the few seconds they give him.

“Secretary Ross, the trigger words of the Winter Soldier are the work of Hydra and a direct violation of the Charter of Human Rights”

“Seventeen”

“If you do not give up its use, I will consider it an attack against the rights and freedoms of this man”

“Daybreak”

“Is this how the government works now? Stripping victims of terrorism of their rights? Because that's what Bucky Barnes is, no one knows better than me”

Steve can see the doubt in the soldiers who are pointing at them. They are certainly acting outside the Constitution and giving Ross a sideways glances hoping he will clear up the situation. Steve is undermining the authority of the Secretary of Defense.

They just need a little push.

_“Furnace”_

“I know what you want, Ross. As soon as you have Bucky in your possession, he will disappear into any laboratory and you will do whatever it takes to replicate the super-soldier serum. I will never let him be a laboratory mouse again”

The nervous looks are accentuated. There is a small pause in which not a leaf moves, but it lasts little “Benign”

"You're no better than Hydra" Steve says with the power of truth burning in his gut. He notices Bucky's warm presence behind him, his breathing is shallow and his hands are shaking. Winter does not remember that words no longer have an effect on him.

Steve can't bear to see that lost, fear-filled look.

_“Homecoming”_

He opens the armored car door and kicks it off its hinges. They haven't shot him and it's already more than he bargained for.

“Bucky, run!”

But Bucky doesn't move.

_"Freight car_ " Ross's smile fills his whole damn face and he looks like a piranha. Soldiers don't move a muscle. Steve lifts the door and stands in front of Bucky, prepared to defend him with his life.

"Soldat?" Asks the bastard with the wolfish grin.

But there is no answer.

Behind him, Bucky's breathing is still fast but he puts a warm hand on Steve's back, grabbing a small piece of the cloth. Through the fine cotton of the T-shirt the warmth is comforting. “Handler” sentences in a low and choked voice, almost like a question. Steve looks at him and there is a plea in his eyes that breaks his heart. Jesus, he should never have forced him out of Wakanda. Now he takes an undeserved risk because of his selfishness and stupidity.

“Soldat?!” Ross insists losing patience. He already knows that something is wrong.

"Are you with me, Buck?" Steve asks quietly. Bucky nods without looking away.

“Then, run” Steve orders with all the urgency that he is able to capture without scaring him more than he is. Bucky has the knives back in his hand and runs like a bat out of hell toward the hotel entrance.

"I want him alive!" Ross orders. Weapons are raised but the two unmotivated shots resonating shots that resonate go straight to the wall six feet from him. Steve steps back but doesn't turn his back on them. If he's good at something, it's handling a shield, even if it's a fucking armored door and running around in his pajamas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year!!


	60. Week 21

“Captain Rogers, turn your friend! Don't put yourself in a worse situation than you're already helping a criminal escape” barks Ross as Steve disappears through the hotel entrance. He quickly tracks down Bucky by jumping over the crumbling SWATs on the stairs. Seriously, these five never had a chance against the Soldier at close range...

They are on the rooftop weighing their alternatives when Steve discovers that the motivational talk has taken effect. The soldiers are not shooting at them or entering the hotel. A couple of them have requested the arrest warrant for Ross, who has had to appeal to his position as Secretary and announce that it is a matter of national security.

“But he is Captain America!!” Many of them have said, dropping their weapons. Some others are calling their lawyer or requesting information about the Winter Soldier's arrest, and the word Hydra recurs a lot in whispers.

Steve blesses the men with his heart in place as he points to the massive castle-shaped casino with illuminated capitals. The huge building offers everything they need: a fenced area inaccessible by vehicle, hidden corners, and crowds of people to mingle with.

Bucky nods, focused, and ready. They take a run and jump to the next roof two floors below, sheltered for the night. Many blue lights illuminate the facades wherever they pass, approaching quickly.

SWAT cars and vans occupy the wide streets of Las Vegas, a hell of single-family houses with no place to hide. Despite the efforts of the police to contain them and close them in a more manageable area to concentrate the troops, they are managing to leave them behind. Feet fly over grass and jump over bars and fences, crack planks, break tiles, and speed over concrete and asphalt. No one is prepared for the speed at which they can run or jump, and where the police see closed streets or mousetraps, they find exits and take advantage.

Two more helicopters join the hunt and the makeshift shield proves its effectiveness, shielding Bucky from the bullets. They don't shoot at him, thanks for the little mercies and immunity that not even Ross is able to strip away from the figure of Captain America. They don’t slow down despite the shots a few inches from their feet, advancing unpredictably and with the armored door always at hand. Also, their destination is easy to find with the capitals glowing red, yellow, and blue in the dark.

They are panting when they jump the walls that separate the street from the garden area of the pools, dimly lit and surrounded by palm trees. The helicopters chase them with the spotlights but cannot prevent them from finding shelter. They have already reached the huge, bright entrance, full of light and color when the police cars begin to stop behind the wall.

The casino welcomes them warmly as in a dream, despite the looks of surprise and disdain they receive from late-night (or early risers). The interior is huge, sumptuous and eye-catching, filled with chandeliers and a huge indoor fountain; the carpet reaches as far as they can see and softens their steps. There are few people in the hall except for the receptionists who look at them in surprise. The super-soldiers don’t give them a second glance, they advance directly towards the casino area where they begin to surreptitiously collect some articles of clothing from the few unwary who are still dreaming of becoming millionaires.

The security personnel are scattered throughout the room and they see them, it cannot be otherwise. After all, his scruffy appearance draws a lot of attention, not so much from Bucky as from Steve in shorts, crimson combat boots, and a tight white T-shirt.

With the car door still in his right hand...

Well, he's not getting rid of the door, damn it. He tightens his grip on it and guides Bucky to the nearest exit that leads to one of the four thousand shopping and dining areas. Coffee shops are preparing to open blinds and the aroma of roasted coffee grows stronger, and right next to the Pizza Hut ... that's where he sees it.

A chapel.

A fucking 24 hours non-stop wedding chapel.

Steve's brain freezes for a second and... and the question arises that suddenly occupies his entire mind.

If he married Bucky, would his diplomatic immunity extend to him?

Yes, he knows. It would. His diplomatic immunity is almost the same as that of the President of the United States. Bucky would be untouchable, his privacy inviolable, his disappearance a scandal. No one could lay a finger on it without turning the entire policy of the United States and the UN on its head. There would be direct intervention by the Avengers.

Oh, sweet fucking Jesus...

Steve takes the information brochure and flips through it; the essential thing is to obtain the marriage license by carrying a photo ID and the money.

Steve lifts his head in disbelief. He carries Bucky's military inscription on his wallet, one of those sentimental things he did when he came back to the present dead of longing and never looked back.

His wallet is at the hotel...

In the brochure, it says that the licensing office is seven blocks away.

Could he...?

Steve takes his eyes off the brochure and looks at Bucky, standing next to him. He is with the disheveled hair of the dream and the race. He keeps the knives inside his heavy armored jacket and watches all angles protecting Steve while he is absorbed in his little mental epiphany.

Bucky notices, of course, that Steve is watching him and their eyes meet and stay. The stormy gray eyes are clean and attentive, but there is concern and steel in his gaze. There is no trace of the shy smiles, the tenderness in his eyes, the trust and the ... yes, the love that he professed all his life.

The brochure slips through his fingers, absorbed in the face that is painfully familiar and yet so strange; his hands reach to rough cheeks and caress his sharp cheekbones, thick lashes touching the tips of his thumbs.

Steve's heart shatters when he realizes it, fear chills him to the bone.

Oh, Holy Maria... what is he thinking?


	61. Week 21

"I'm sorry, Buck ..." tears prick his eyes, struggling to get out. Their foreheads are united, the warmth of his skin comfortable in the cool environment. The fingers buried in Winter's thick mane squeeze gently and lovingly.

Steve knows that he has screwed up spectacularly and only now that there is virtually no escape he can see the sad consequences of his limitless selfishness.

"Bucky, Jesus, forgive me" he whispers, clenching his eyelids tightly. Tears trickle down his cheeks and his nose itches. The mere possibility that this is the last time he sees Buck turns his knees to jelly and his stomach twists into a knot.

He knows he has to get him out of here at any cost. If Ross moves the army to this city, capturing the Winter Soldier is a very real possibility. He might even end up dead and it would be Steve's fault. He could never forgive himself.

He will never forgive himself for putting him in danger in the first place.

“I never wanted this for you, Buck. I ... I love you, I have always loved you. You have always been my home but I wanted to go on an adventure, try my luck with Peggy because I am stupid, and because you would always be there to pick up the remaining pieces of my heart and put it back together with your infinite patience and love. I took you for granted and it was the biggest mistake of my life. I'm so selfish, Buck...” Steve sniffs and hugs him fiercely as if he could protect him from the ever hostile world against the war hero that he is. Steve trembles, of course he is. It’s fear. More fear than he has felt in the last seven years.

Fear of losing everything.

And yet uneven-temperature hands caress his back in comforting, tender circles.

"I'm so sorry..." Steve trembles in his arms, hot tears soaking his warm neck and dark vibranium from his jacket. Repentance fills his whole heart.

He could have tried, grow a pair.

He could have gone back to Buck instead of staying with Peggy.

He was protective and tender, he was gentle and steady. And yes, he was sick, as Steve had been in his youth a thousand times. Not that that would have pushed Buck away from him. He was the warm fireplace that warms the bones with dedicated, infinite love. His was not a passionate love that set everything on fire in his path. A love of which only cold ashes remained.

That does not mean that his love was weak or scarce. Steve knows that if something Hydra could never erase it was his feelings for Steve. In the end, it was that which allowed him to break out of Hydra's conditioning.

That was how trustworthy his love was.

And now Steve has to live with the consequences of the decision he made. He hurt Bucky in ways that he is even able to understand and he can't expect Bucky's heart to embrace him as if he had done nothing but a prank. Steve despised it. He knew about his feelings and went looking for the arms of another.

If the roles had been reversed, Steve doesn't know if he would be able to forgive him.

And that's fine. Steve deserves no less.

He is ready to be hated by Bucky and yet he will do everything in his power to help him, to protect him.

To finally love him generously.

"I promise you, Buck" Steve whispers with a new flame in his chest "I promise that I will become the man you deserve, the man you can trust. I only hope that one day you will be able to forgive me, that you can look me in the eye without feeling the contempt I deserve” he kisses him fiercely on the cheek, sealing his promise in the body mistreated by all.

Steve wipes his tears on the hem of his T-shirt and heads to the counter at Pizza Hut, half the shade down.

"We open in 15 minutes, sir" answered a young woman with curly hair and a round face who leans out the window.

“Miss, I am Captain America and this is an emergency. I need his phone” Steve answers in his most authoritative voice. The young woman's eyes go wide and her eyebrows raise even more when she notices the damn door that he carries on his arm. She hesitates for a brief moment but she quickly disappears from the window and reappears with a cell phone and a large bottle of water.

“The code is 5789, Captain. Here I am for what you need” she answers firmly, almost vibrating in her own skin and ready to go out the window with the rolling pin as a weapon. Steve smiles unconsciously, grateful for his unexpected ally.

“Thanks for the help. If someone asks, you haven't seen us”

"Yes, Captain, my Captain!" she answers with steel in her eyes. Steve and Bucky run up the stairs like gazelles, the water barely lasting a breath. Steve dials Sam's phone that he knows by heart. If there's anyone who can get Bucky out of town, it's him.

*** *** ***

"Hello?" Sam answers the strange number that is calling him on the phone. He swears that whatever other phone company with a new offer he will hang up without a goodbye.

“Sam? Sam! We need help!”

Sam's posture changes radically and Shuri's eyes, sitting next to him, become mere slits.

“What's up Steve? Where are you?” Sam is already looking for his Falcon outfit with the princess hot on his heels.

“Hotel Excalibur, Las Vegas. Sam, Ross is hunting Buck, he's going all out! I need you to get him out of here!”

Fear and apprehension are evident in Steve's tone of voice, and Sam acknowledges that he has reason to be freaked out. Secretary Ross is an unscrupulous bastard who plays dirty.

Sam runs his hand through his hair, figuring out how long it might take for him to get there. The quinjet is fast, but...

“We are in New York, it will take a while to arrive. Can you hold on?” Shuri has a three-dimensional image of the hotel on her kimoyo beads. The castle-shaped hotel is huge so they can stay hidden for a while.

“Tell him that we collect them at the base of the highest capital” Shuri orders, dragging Sam with a firm hand to the heliport. Her ship is the fastest and most importantly, invisible.

Her damn intuition was still sharp. She knew something was wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back!


	62. Week 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Yes, it took a long time to post this chapter. It was really difficult for me, although I knew exactly what I wanted to appear. I have written 4 versions until I like it enough to publish it.  
> Anyway, here we go!

“... drone view images of the main entry roads to the city collapsed by an ocean of cars that the army has cut off. Drivers are abandoning their vehicles and entering the city on foot from a thousand corners, probably to join the manifestation that emerged as a result of some morning tweets and messages shared on social networks. We pass the connection to Greg Carpenter”

“Thank you, Lucy. Today the city has woken up with a message that calls for citizen mobilization. The user fightforyourrights@, a hotel worker, has tweeted a message asking for the massive support of citizens through social networks:”

_‘Today Captain America is in trouble. The Army has him surrounded at the Excalibur Hotel, Las Vegas. We have all recovered a loved one thanks to his tenacity. Where is our gratitude? We are America and the Captain needs us!’_

“The message has been shared with the main groups and associations supporting the Avengers and Captain America, whose followers number in the millions. Some profiles also call for beefy blonde protesters to wear gray pants, blue T-shirts, and red boots. Others have asked to wear gray pants and black jackets with boots. One can only assume that Captain America is accompanied by his inseparable friend Sergeant Barnes, also known as the Winter Soldier”

“Thanks, Greg. Recall that until just five years ago, Captain Steve Rogers was considered a criminal and had a search and arrest warrant after helping the well-known terrorist Winter Soldier. It was a very controversial decision since Captain Steve Rogers was the only one to detect the infiltration of the Hydra terrorist association within the government, and it was thanks to his participation in a mission off the radar of the authorities that he was able to stop the three helicarriers that were intended to end all possible detractors with the infamous organization. Experts speak of millions of lives saved thanks to this hero, who participated together with the late Natasha Romanoff, known as Black Widow, and Sam Wilson, current Avenger known as Falcon”

“It’s confirmed. Secretary Ross is leading this operation with the land army. The police have withdrawn after strong disagreements and a complaint by the Las Vegas police union. We have confirmation from the Chief Police Commissioner that Steve Rogers and his companion have not broken the law in the short time they have been in town”

“The Secretary-General and Captain Steve Rogers share a long history of disagreements. The Sokovia Accords broke the unity of the Avengers, the New York-based superhero organization, and it was only ratified by all its members after many changes to the Accords and three years of Captain America's escape, right after the snap that made half the world's population disappear”

“In fact, many have speculated about the relationship between Steve Rogers and the Winter Soldier, who later became known to be Sergeant James "Bucky" Barnes, the Captain's best childhood friend. In the investigation that followed the fall of Hydra, numerous pieces of evidence was presented regarding the torture and coercion with which Sergeant Barnes was forced to obey. Despite all the evidence pointing to him as the world's oldest prisoner of war, the controversial decision was made not to remove the search and arrest warrant until he stands trial and is found not guilty”

“The escape of Captain Rogers with his friend has ignited many rumors about the relationship they have, even creating the famous hashtag #GiveCaptainAmericaHisBoyfriendBack, which became a trending topic for a few weeks in 2016, when people still had hope of the return of his hero”

“Greg, we are seeing the images that the citizens of Las Vegas are posting on social networks since by order of Secretary Ross it is not possible to fly over the city, not even with drones. You can see the army convoys practically abandoned, the roads inside the city full of barricades made with crossed cars and waste containers. We understand that these acts of vandalism have forced the army to travel on foot to the Excalibur Hotel, getting some time for Captain America”

“Exactly, Lucy. In fact, just a few seconds ago they arrived at the hotel. You will see in the images from our camera that the soldiers are entering the hotel under the insults of the crowd, who throw anything they have at hand at them. The most prepared have brought tomatoes, water balloons, and eggs. Many of the soldiers have had to stay to reinforce the police cordon because the protesters are beginning to make risky decisions, striking out with the army in order to force a larger and larger detachment to leave the surrounding areas of the hotel, which it boils down to a lower amount of troops to stop Captain America. As you can see, the posters of ‘Ross, resign’, ‘Not in my name’ or ‘America needs us’ are proliferating too”

“Indeed, Greg. The consequences of Secretary of State Thaddeus Ross's military operation are not only being heard in Las Vegas. Right now a crowd is gathering outside the Capitol and the White House in a spontaneous act of protest, many dressed as the slogans call for. They also inform us that it is a trending topic in Twitter #OhCapitanMiCapitan #Hydragain? #Americaneedsyou #NotInMyNameRoss # RossThe Bullier, which pretty much sums up the general thinking of America about this operation”

“Lucy, we interrupt you for a moment. We have found the user of the original tweet and she is currently here in the manifestation. For security reasons, we are not going to say her name and she has covered her face with a hat and a scarf, but we hope that she can explain to us what has happened to mount this commotion”

“I am a worker in one of the Excalibur hotel stores. This morning Captain America came running to our counter asking for a phone. The police were chasing him and he was clearly trying to mislead them. When Captain America asks you for help, you know what to do”

“Is it true that a man with long hair and a black jacket accompanies him?”

"I'm not going to confirm or deny anything, but what does Ross need from Captain America or whoever goes with him? Let me tell you that after the helicarriers affair in 2012 and in which millions of people were going to die under the noses of our ignorant or corrupt government if the Captain puts his skin and name at risk to protect someone, it will be for something. Do I trust Captain Rogers's judgment more than Secretary Ross's? Without hesitation. Not only that, I am fully aware that my decision may have legal consequences for me. Damn, I'll probably lose my job, but I've done the right thing. Perhaps it would have been easier to ignore it and do nothing. But you know? This is not how you change the world"

“Thanks for your words. We return the connection to Lucy”

“Well, it seems that the young woman has very clear ideas and her heart in her place. This shows once again that Captain Rogers, a man who has usually been described as out of his time, has managed to win over the hearts of the young with his example”

“They also inform us that in 15 minutes Pepper Potts, the Stark Industries CO, will give a press conference. Since Stark Industries has practically financed the Avengers out of pocket, the well-oiled legal department of Stark Industries is expected to get down to business with a colossal lawsuit. Greg, what are your cameras filming? Is that Falcon?”

“Lucy, the protesters have seen him too. Right now it is difficult to be heard among all the voices that chant Falcon or that scream for the Avengers. Falcon is flying over the hotel ignoring the authorities who have already warned that the airspace cannot be used. Let's remember that the Avengers enjoy diplomatic immunity to be able to carry out their superhero activities. If Sam Wilson is here on a mission, not even the army has the power to order his withdrawal, only to hold him accountable”

“Wait, it seems that he has leaned against one of the capitals of the hotel. He must have entered through a trapdoor because we lost sight of him... No! There he is! He walks backward and the wings prevent us from seeing what is happening, but it seems that he is hugging someone. Could it be Captain America?”

“Oh, God! They fall, there are like 20 floors high! Isn't he spreading his wings? Does he try to hide the man from the army until the last moment? Oh Jesus, Mary and Joseph, he did it!!”

“Have you seen that? Falcon has opened his wings to glide at ground level, we have only been able to see that the person he keeps hidden in his arms wears red boots...”

“One second Greg, can we zoom in and slow down the camera images? Our techs get down to it, but for now, we know that Falcon has indeed pulled someone in red boots out of the hotel. He looks like he is also wearing a black jacket, but there is no detail on his face. Perhaps when we have the enlarged images we can go into detail about who the mysterious man is, but for now, we can only speculate. Greg, is there anything else known about Falcon? Are there any of the Avengers ships around here?”

“Lucy, we don't know anything else. We don't see any ships nearby but the ships used by the Avengers, the famous quinjet, have the latest in Stark technology. They're probably outfitted with an invisibility camouflage and they're... Wait, Falcon has reappeared! He again is in the capital, which makes sense if inside there were two people waiting for the rescue”

“Greg, what is the army doing? Are there strange movements?”

“One of the three helicopters approaches the capital. It is a risky maneuver to be so close to a structure like this... There are weapons pointing at Falcon! The manifestation is rearing up, booing the helicopter, and pushing towards the police cordon, pushing to enter or divert attention. Things are very tense here, the army is not happy that their own people are scolding them and any bad gesture can lead to misfortune... Falcon has jumped again! Stick with the previous tactic, you can't see who he's carrying but he's wearing black boots and a navy blue jacket. Could it be Sergeant Barnes? Thank goodness the helicopter hasn't fired but is dedicated to following Falcon and whoever he's carrying”

“They are out of our angle of vision, Lucy. Our camera cannot capture more of this air conflict, but you can hear the slogans shouted by the protesters calling for the resignation of Secretary Ross”

"Indeed, Greg, it sounds loud and clear. We will return to you shortly. We now give way to Anne Kerrigan, at the White House where the President of the United States is about to give a press conference on the events in Las Vegas...”

*** *** ***

When Sam drops Bucky on Shuri's ship, he quickly sets off to rescue Steve. As agreed, they have mixed their clothes so that the army cannot know for sure who is who, in case they tried to try their luck with a shot. Shuri and Tissina quickly approach the White Wolf but he remains stoic in his place and is the first sign that something is wrong.

"White Wolf, how are you feeling?" Shuri asks with concern as she gently takes his hand.

"Operative, ma'am," he answers, leaving his hand limp.

Oh, Shuri already knows what's going on and a wave of resentment warms her guts. How hard he fought to stop dissociating. How hard he has been fighting to overcome depression, to have a life.

And now this, the army behind him as if he were a criminal, a terrorist.

Can't Barnes get a break from his fucking life?

“Any injury to report?”

“No ma'am”

“She's heartbroken but at least he seems to have eaten enough. Just in case she hands him a bag of fried banana and a bottle of water. “If you're hungry or thirsty you can use them. Now rest”

Winter nods and he sits in one of the seats in the ship, next to Tissina, Shuri's bodyguard.

Thus they await the arrival of Steve while they continue watching the news on the screen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey you! In this chapter, I have used some words that I have never translated into English before. If you see errors do not hesitate to tell me!


	63. Week 21

As soon as they enter Shuri's ship the door closes and the ship rises. Nearby helicopters still looking for Falcon have no chance against the ship's mobility and speed. In spite of everything, she will not remove the camouflage, she does not want a stupid and unnecessary diplomatic conflict.

"Hey pal, are you okay?" Steve asks, crouching before Bucky with a worried face.

"Yes, sir" he answers, looking into his eyes. Bucky's face is not blank. There's some kind of... emotion, but Steve doesn't know which one, if it's a good or bad emotion.

“All seated and with the belts, now” Shuri orders very seriously. Steve is not going to push his luck and sits next to Bucky, fastening the belt. The ship veers sharply on more than one occasion, but nothing that can silence Sam's mouth long enough.

“Damn Steve, what the hell happened? How did your trip to the Colorado Canyon end like this?” Sam rests his hands heavily on his knees while the belt keeps him straight, but he hasn't taken his eyes off either of the two super soldiers.

“The FBI was at the Alamosa base. Some of the bastards would talk about the Winter Soldier and Ross saw the opportunity for him. He has always wanted to get his hands on the serum, come in any way it comes. Bucky is simply the most convenient. With a search and arrest warrant, no Sokovia Accords to protect him...”

Steve is unable to take his eyes off Winter for more than a few seconds, hands clasped and fingers crossed nervously writhing in an attempt not to touch him in front of witnesses. It feels too intimate. Too forbidden for the eyes of others.

Sam sighs and nods. "That old man cajoled Tony into, but Bruce always knew he was an unscrupulous bastard. He had a very bad time in his hands”

After a few minutes of silence and a few more lurching, the ship takes a steady course and Shuri approaches, leaving the ship on autopilot.

“Shuri, it was never my intention...” Steve begins because he knows that he does not have the favor of the princess, but she looks at him harshly.

“Shut up Captain Rogers” she says sternly “I don't want to hear excuses, I don't care how or why the United States Army has been about to capture Barnes. He knew this could happen when he joined the mission to rescue you. I'm more interested in your explaining why the White Wolf kimoyo beads are still in Fort Garland, Colorado. Because you know what I think? I think when Barnes dissociated in Winter you freaked out and instead of doing what any sensible person would have done, you decided to shut up and hide him from the world, pretend it hadn't happened. You left the beads in any quiet corner hoping I wouldn't find out. Or even worse, hoping you’d disappeared from the map by the time I'd discovered it, living as a fugitive and dragging Barnes with you”

"That's not..." Steve tries to justify himself, but Shuri quickly cuts him off.

“I don't care what you have to say. I don't believe your words, Captain Rogers. You always tell the truth that it suits you and although you have never misguided people's hearts, you are no longer the Steve we used to know. You have changed”

Steve is offended by this statement, sitting on the bench of the Wakandan ship while Shuri speaks to him as if he were a stranger, arms crossed over her chest. Worst of all, Sam frowns at him and doesn't say a peep.

"It was only six years! They have hardly changed me!”

“Haven’t they? Do you think you have not changed? Because the Steve I knew would have understood that Barnes needed time and space after being despised by the most important person in his life, something that you have been unable to understand. You want everything to remain the same when nothing is the same for him, and it may be that you are angry, or hurt, or disappointed but you cannot pretend that nothing happened, much less blame him”

“Okay, I understand that things are not the same for him and I know that I have been acting impulsively, but I have always been impulsive. I can't see him walk away from me and just sit still and do nothing! ”Steve's voice is sharp, pouring out his despair and finding no mercy in Shuri's eyes.

"This is not about you, you fucking idiot!" Shuri yells at him "You, your needs, your feelings, and your fears. Your anxiety, your loss, your everything. Always you. You were his best friend and you have been unable to see to what he needs”

"I realize it now" he answers defeated, his hand running over his bangs and his shoulders hunched. It seems that this calms the ferocity of the princess and silence reigns for a few moments.

"Do you know when he will be Bucky again?" Steve asks exhausted.

“The White Wolf dissociates when something hurts him and returns when he feels safe. I want to know what happened, don't get me wrong, but not from your lips. When the White Wolf returns he will tell me himself if he thinks it necessary”

"I... he found out that I never tried to rescue him from Siberia. I thought you told him” he answers in just a whisper. He looks up to look at Winter, but he's got a hundred-yard stare, he's lost in his head.

"He was heartbroken enough, Steve. I didn't want to put more on his plate" Shuri replied without anger in his voice "I'll leave you near New York”

The trip is short and Steve takes the opportunity to talk about everything and anything with Bucky, who barely answers. He sometimes looks at Sam and his eyes are sad, there is a sense of loss in the air that makes his heart shrink.

They finally land in a Jersey field and it's time to say goodbye. Steve is dying to hold him, to sink his nose and breathe in his fragrance. He doesn't know when he will see him again, or even if he will see him again, and it is difficult when the eyes of his best friend look at him with intensity.

"I promise you, it was never my intention to make you suffer, Buck. You are the most important person in the world to me and I am sorry I did not show you properly. I'll wait for you as long as you need, I just hope someday you can forgive me” Steve whispers as he holds Buck's hand. Winter looks at him with an odd calm and Steve wonders if he understands what is happening here and now. He appears taller than Bucky, with broad shoulders and straight posture. He seems like a man with nothing to regret, and Steve hopes that one day that man could be Buck.

“I'm scared, Shuri. I'm fear I'll never see him again” Steve is honest with the afternoon sun caressing his skin and Sam's solid hand on his shoulder, a small comfort. Winter has stayed inside the ship with Tissina, but Steve doesn’t turn to see him. He’s afraid of wavering and not being able to fulfill his promise.

Shuri sighs, she looks tired and older than she really is “Barnes is sick, Steve, and needs treatment to heal. In Wakanda we have almost everything that is needed: therapy, medicine, and peace, but only time can heal a broken heart. I know it's hard to wait but it's worse to pressure him. You cannot force him to accept you, nor can you impose your will on him. You can't make him see you if he doesn't want to, and that's why I ask for your patience. I know you see me as an adversary, but in fact, you are your own worst adversary. I'm just the one who will set the limits when the White Wolf can't”

Steve tries to smile even though his eyes sting “I'll try to remember it”

“And Steve, take the advice of a friend. Talk to a therapist” she answers before leaving.

The door closes and the ship takes off with little noise. Bucky is taken away and Steve feels his limbs go numb. He bites his tongue and takes a deep breath. Maybe they are right. He has no reason to fear a therapist. In fact, he himself studied to be one so he could help people, could help Buck.

“You know? Maybe I will” he answers softly, accepting perhaps for the first time in years that maybe his life trip has been too long and has had too many curves. These are his friends, people who love him and want the best for him.

Sam smiles and pats him cheerfully on the back.

*** *** ***

The mornings are glorious in Wakanda. The sun rises behind the wild mountains, the green has grown fast and strong with the spring rains. The clouds are orange and gold while the purple sky turns pink. The flowers in the palace garden are fragrant and beautiful. The exotic and promising aromas reach your balcony, it smells of spring. It smells of futures to come, of hope.

He could dream, dream of a bright future, free, with a place to call home and a pal to share life with.

He might daydream but he won't, not today. Today he is grieving for an abandoned Bucky. A Bucky who will be tortured, tormented, and raped. A Bucky who will forget all the good things that his life had, who will forget his own family, who will fear any touch and follow any order.

A sound catches his eye. Shuri is still sound asleep on the sofa in his guest apartment at the palace, but she has moved and part of the blanket that covers her has fallen off. He wipes his tears and rises to cover her gently. Barnes owes her a lot and knows that he hasn't earned this fierce friend.

But tomorrow will also be a good day to have hope, to believe in the future, and earn all the love that he already treasures.

Tomorrow is full of possibilities.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are in the final countdown! I estimate that in about 10 chapters we should have an ending. Do you stay?


End file.
